Comments on: Critique #101 — John Chu http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress Writing and Reading. Commerce and Art. Fantasy and Science Fiction. Discuss. Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:37:26 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: kateelliott http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-101#comment-8704 kateelliott Tue, 16 Jan 2007 06:52:53 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-101/#comment-8704 What Sherwood said. I like the first line, though - it's clear and it establishes setting and situation. I'm not sure why you can't jump from there to the second paragraph, and then, as Sherwood suggests, establish the bug fix in conversation or some other narrative mechanism? What Sherwood said. I like the first line, though - it’s clear and it establishes setting and situation. I’m not sure why you can’t jump from there to the second paragraph, and then, as Sherwood suggests, establish the bug fix in conversation or some other narrative mechanism?

]]> By: Kevin Andrew Murphy http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-101#comment-8691 Kevin Andrew Murphy Mon, 15 Jan 2007 18:45:21 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-101/#comment-8691 What Sherwood said. The intro does let us know he's working with a fabricator and so on, but I had to reread it to see what was going on in the muddle, and really, it was less interesting that Office Space or Dilbert, so why bother? The story begins with the semi-territorial waifish woman, which is enough of a dose of reality to give us a taste of it, and we can quickly find out any crucial backstory while your main character vents to this stranger. Anyway, I am intrigued enough to turn the page, but I still want these first lines cleaned up. What Sherwood said. The intro does let us know he’s working with a fabricator and so on, but I had to reread it to see what was going on in the muddle, and really, it was less interesting that Office Space or Dilbert, so why bother?

The story begins with the semi-territorial waifish woman, which is enough of a dose of reality to give us a taste of it, and we can quickly find out any crucial backstory while your main character vents to this stranger.

Anyway, I am intrigued enough to turn the page, but I still want these first lines cleaned up.

]]> By: Sherwood Smith http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-101#comment-8671 Sherwood Smith Mon, 15 Jan 2007 01:06:29 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-101/#comment-8671 I'm intrigued overall, but why not begin with the guys fixing the bug and stick with linear time? Your verb is not precise enough (<em>were pushing</em> when you probably mean <em>had been pushing</em>?) for starting with the station, jumping back to his usual habits, then jumping again to what he'd been doing instead. I was so confused I had to go back and reread the first graf three times--and it's not all that interesting. Once you get him moving, I begin to pick up some interest, but really, why not begin when he drops into the seat beside the woman, because isn't this where the story starts? If we need to know about his late bug fix, can't he establish that in conversation, rather than the narrator having to dump expo on us at the very start? I’m intrigued overall, but why not begin with the guys fixing the bug and stick with linear time? Your verb is not precise enough (were pushing when you probably mean had been pushing?) for starting with the station, jumping back to his usual habits, then jumping again to what he’d been doing instead. I was so confused I had to go back and reread the first graf three times–and it’s not all that interesting.

Once you get him moving, I begin to pick up some interest, but really, why not begin when he drops into the seat beside the woman, because isn’t this where the story starts? If we need to know about his late bug fix, can’t he establish that in conversation, rather than the narrator having to dump expo on us at the very start?

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