Critique #103 — Debbie White
Kevin Andrew Murphy January 19th, 2007
 After seven months, Queen Tesrica was beginning to realized that being chosen to rule by Sano didn’t automatically make her a ruler. Two of her ministers, Sansu Kobri and Sanshi Jun, knelt before her on large, heavily-embroidered black cushions.
“Now, Your Majesty–†Sansu Kobri said.
“Silence!†Rica’s command resonated off the black and white marble walls and polished black granite floor. The first king had built every aspect of this hall to impress, from the five chandeliers dripping with crystals that scattered light throughout the long, narrow room to the marble columns that flanked the dais. Yet it didn’t seem to be helping her very much. The ministers before her and the four guards posted along the walls of the hall wore purple undertunics to mark them as her servants, but she felt the lie of it.
Debbie,
You’ve got some good underlying tension here but I got lost in the monochrome gothiness of the description: black floors and black cushions and black and white walls and purple undertunics which presumably the queen could only see if the servants were walking around in their skivvies (which would certainly communicate an extra level of disrespect, but that’s not what I think you’re going for here).
I also question the aesthetic taste of the first king in mixing granite with marble, and moreover, putting crystal chandeliers in a room designed to suck up the light. Not to mention the plain extravagance of using costly purple dye for underwear.
There’s also a pet peeve of mine going on here of what I call “Kindergarten heraldry,” meaning that the colors described are the ones put above the chalkboard/dry erase board in kindergarten classrooms throughout the English speaking world: Black White Grey Brown Red Blue Yellow Green Orange Purple. I have no problem with using the straight basic crayon colors except when it becomes obvious. And even in kindergarten, my crayon box had cornflower, mustard and salmon. I’d think that an ancient king might have had a slightly better palette as well, or at least interior decorators who would have counseled something more interesting.
Anyway, little detail things like this snap me out of the story and make me less inclined to believe in the world you’re setting up. I might turn the page, but only just, and if I saw more such descriptions, I’d probably put it down.
Thanks for your comments, Kevin. If nothing else, the line about the skivvies had me laughing and I needed cheering up (bad day so far).
So, you don’t like civilizations that show parts of their undies? *pout* Thanks for pointing out that I need to clarify that bits of their undertunics do show.
I’d like to keep the excessive black because 1) there’s a reason for it and 2) Tesrica later thinks about just how questionable and expensively overboard the first king’s tastes were even though she understands that there was a good reason for it. My question: is the unrelenting black so overwhelming that I ought to cut it back on it even though there’s a deliberate pay-off later?
You’re right: mixing granite and marble may be a bit much since I already established that the fist king had odd tastes with all that black. However, (this is a serious question!) wouldn’t a room designed to suck up light need crystal chandeliers? The crystals aren’t just decoration but a way to refract light throughout a dark room. Anything less (in the terms of lighting) would make the room virtually unusable (“Uh, hello? Did everyone sneak out on me in mid-speech again? Darn!”).
As for Kindergarten heraldry, you’ll be pleased to learn that the other house colors are scarlet, gold, and indigo. Plum or Mauve just does give that same ring in a person’s mind as ‘purple’ and, like you pointed out, most people realize that purple was an expensive dye while they might not know that about scarlet. While not quite as wasteful as unseen purple skivvies, it was deliberately used to point out that the first king had expensive tastes. Since it’s ‘just’ your pet peeve and I don’t continue using primary colors beyond black and purple, I think I’ll keep it as it is.
Once again, thanks.
There’s a typo in the first line and I’m not sure whether it’s from your text or an artifact of transfer to this page. Anyway, it threw me right out of the story. Then I said, “Augh!” and then I went back and started again.
I say that to emphasize something in the guidelines, which is that, indeed, proper grammar and spelling give an immediate impression, kind of like how you’re dressed when you walk in for a job interview.
Okay.
Onward.
I like the undercurrents here. You set up quickly a nice conflict.
My main critique parallels Kevin’s: too many adjectives.
“large, heavily embroidered” “long, narrow” “five” chandeliers, etc.
Choose your poison. Pick the adjectives that matter most and keep those. If the detail matters as foreshadowing or set up for a later payoff, then keep it. If the adjective is particularly interesting or unusual, or absolutely necessary to describe something that would otherwise not come across the way you need it to, to the reader, keep it. Cut the other stuff, or chivvy it in later.
I don’t have the same reaction to kindergarten colors as Kevin does, but I think his point is reasonable in terms of larger detail – there are a number of shades of red, and when possible one should try to pick the shade that creates the strongest image in the reader’s mind. However, heraldry does tend to focus on basic colors, and in the case of heraldry if I saw what I call “catalog” colors (as in modern clothes catalogs) that would throw me right out of the story.
Having said that, I would turn the page. I’m intrigued, and your writing overall is straight forward enough, with the conflict laid right out in bold, that I want to see what happens next.
I do believe that one pairs black and white marble with red sandstone.
I like the conflict, but like the others, I thought the description was on the heavy side without contributing tension or forward motion: ‘heavily-embroidered’ is a long phrase for little real imagery. Why not just black pillows? (large is implied in the men being able to kneel on them). I had to stop reading and remind myself that “dripping with crystal” is a cliche because my first reaction was crystals poinking off that granite with tinkling noises all round the queen and ministers.
Other problems (besides the typo right in the first line) is that I still don’t know what ‘Sano’ is, and finally, the confusion of the last two lines:
Yet it didn’t seem to be helping her very much. The ministers before her and the four guards posted along the walls of the hall wore purple undertunics to mark them as her servants, but she felt the lie of it.
What is ‘it’ here? The room? The effect it’s supposed to have? But there’s another ‘it’ at the end of the next sentence–does that refer to the room, the purple undertunics, the effect of the room, or the issue of servants not behaving like servants? I want to read on, see what the queen’s problem is, but I keep having to go back and parse these sentences to try to figure out what’s going on.
Debbie,
Kate and Sherwood have pointed up my concerns with additional detail. In agreement with all they’ve said.
With the crystal chandeliers, and your question of whether a room with so much black wouldn’t need them, I think you’re falling into what I’d call the “electric lighting” syndrome. Back in the day when illumnation was precious and troublesome, people did as many tricks as they could to maximize the light. For example, the cut crystal danglies on a chandelier are not just to sparkle and look pretty but to refract and diffuse the light as widely as possible. A room with such chandeliers (and obviously with glass-cutting technology) would also have large numbers of mirrors on the walls to maximize the illumination.
Which does not mean that black marble doesn’t have its uses. It’s great for torch-bearing pillars, fireplaces and other things that are prone to soot.
Anyway, having a later payoff is fine, but the trick to stopping picky readers like me from thinking it unreasonable is to have your viewpoint character think it’s unreasonable and have an internal thought about that, hopefully snarky. Something like “Evidently the ancient king had gotten a very good deal on black marble.” Or something.
Also, and it’s an important point, construction materials are either used because they are local and cost efficient (and a source of national pride), or imported and ostentatious. Your queen would know this and could easily clue the reader in.
What details you show tell us more about your world.
To everyone: I apologize for the typo. I changed that first line right before sending it and somehow missed the typo when quickly checking for spelling/grammar. I’ll be more careful in the future.
To Kate: Thanks for the advice on how to pick which adjectives to use in a scene. It was very helpful, and I revised my opening using your advice. Also, thank you for your encouragement.
To Rhiannon: Thank you for your suggestion. Red sandstone doesn’t fit the story that I’m trying to build, but thank you for trying to help.
To Sherwood: Ack, now I have servants in their undies in a room raining crystals onto the floor! Oh, the (unintended) comedy! I thought the description cliché enough to pass as figurative, but now I have attempted to fix this passage. Who wants to use clichés, anyway? Thanks for pointing out the potential parsing problems. As for Sano, he is described in more detail elsewhere.
To Kevin: My queen gives said snarky remark about expensive, imported black marble in an upcoming scene. I can’t put it in the first scene without ruining the ‘this is serious!’ tension I’m trying to build. But obviously we both believe a snarky remark is called for.
I guess I didn’t phrase my chandelier question very well, but I think we’re both saying the exact same thing about the chandeliers and the crystals, so I’ll drop that. Not to get too sidetracked off the main point of these critiques, but I do have a question about adding glass mirrors to walls to reflect light. I’ve heard of using polished metal mirrors to reflect natural light deep into mines and things like that, but I’ve never seen nor heard of a pre-modern (i.e. era of cheap mirrors) example of placing glass mirrors on walls solely to help light a dark room. Could you give me a reference on this? Granted, this is a fantasy story, but, as a history buff, you’ve got me curious. Also, marble is usually polished to a high sheen and that in itself helps reflect light further throughout the room. If a room already uses chandelier crystals and polished marble walls and floors to help reflect and refract the candlelight, then mirrors don’t really sound necessary to me.
Debbie,
You’re thinking like a person with electric lights. If you have candles, you have soot. You have soot, your reflective black marble quickly becomes matt black sooty marble.
For history, I’ll note that candle sconces have reflectors and Versailles has lots of mirrored halls. It’s a way to multiply candlepower efficiently.
You’ve posted a revision as #108 so I’m locking this topic. We can continue the conversation there with your new draft.