Comments on: Critique #106 — Stephen Fahey

By: Debbie White

Debbie White — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:47:19 +0000

Not wanting you to feel left out, here are a few nit-picky comments from me:

First, you might want to review your first paragraph for grammar. I believe that paragraph will flow better and read more clearly once you’ve fixed the grammar.

I realize that you’re probably using exaggeration here, but humans don’t sleep 12 hours (half) a day. I stopped reading the story for a moment when I read that. Even in today’s society, I think most people only sleep about 6-8 hours (or a fourth to a third of a day). In a society where you’re competing with people who don’t sleep, people might be tempted to decrease the amount you sleep even more.

I can see John saying “Asleep?” with distaste, but since he had already guessed that the fellow was a Sleeper, why does he ask if the fellow is a diurnal?

By: Stephen Fahey

Stephen Fahey — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 20:55:00 +0000

Kevin
Definitely no new ideas from me then…
Though you mention reading aloud - another very good acid test that I’ve found pretty useful to apply to my writing (not just dialogue).
And getting someone else to read it aloud would certainly do the trick…

By: Kevin Andrew Murphy

Kevin Andrew Murphy — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 18:39:10 +0000

Stephen,

What you refer to with selecting random thirteen-line segments from a work and seeing how they work has already been done and already has a name, at least informally: Kit (Katharine Kerr) has dubbed this “The Kevin test,” after years ago at World Fantasy where I showed my custom of taking a novel, flipping it open to a random passage, and doing a dramatic reading cold. I do this in three spots and it’s a pretty sure test for clunky prose and other infelicitous constructions.

I’ve been told I’ve missed out on a few good novels since this doesn’t take into account epic sweep, but honestly, I prefer my epic sweep without bad writing.

By: Gyp Oriens

Gyp Oriens — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 07:40:05 +0000

Why is “Diurnal” capitalized? I know why “Sleeper” is, but all I see is you using diurnal as an adjective that needs no capitalization.

Not much else to say besides that. I would pay close attention, however, to the appearance of any other Sleepers I saw while reading this. If they weren’t all “pale, short, fair-haired and tired” in too-big clothes, I might be a little cross. The way you present these particular details about the man strike me as being all related to his being a Sleeper.

I would turn the page.

By: Kate Elliott

Kate Elliott — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 21:56:21 +0000

Good stuff. I would turn the page to find the answer to the many questions you have quickly and efficiently raised.

I note that Nancy Kress wrote three novels about people who don’t sleep. I have not read them, but they are out there.

By: Stephen Fahey

Stephen Fahey — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 21:11:56 +0000

Kevin
Thanks for the feedback. I must admit one of my concerns about this story was it’s originality.
I was inspired to write it by a BBC science programme Horizon but I’m sure the idea is probably older than that.
One thing that strikes me about the 13-line concept, is that if you’re going to be strict on yourself, maybe you should apply it to any 13-line chunk of your story. This is probably a bit harsh, and may push you to try and add ‘wow’ to every paragraph, which would be irritating and unnecessary. BUT, if you chose a random 13-line excerpt from your story and left it on a train for someone else to read, would they be bored, inspired, intrigued, or saddened?
Hey… there’s probably a short story in there somewhere…

By: Kevin Andrew Murphy

Kevin Andrew Murphy — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 17:44:27 +0000

Stephen,

This had a bit of a Nancy Kress vibe going to it, but you’re using different words and it’s not as if there’s copyright on a trope. Anyway, there’s good characterization and fine use of viewpoint to set up both the character and the world, and the start of an intriguing mystery. I’d definitely turn the page.

Well done.