Critique #107 — Todd Hauskins
Kevin Andrew Murphy January 24th, 2007
It was the duty of the night crew to not only make periodic sweeps of the parking garage, but also to bring any vehicle who’s space had not been paid for to the first level so that it could be taken to the city impound or whatever the heck was done with them. Jerry felt it best to not delve into such details. This car had been in the garage for over 40 years which seemed a little odd. There was no record of anyone ever checking the car out the whole time it had been there. It had been out of the elements so it was mostly well maintained. It just looked like an old car, waiting for its captain to come back and tell it where to go. That being said, Jerry knew it was ridiculous, but he felt some sort of repellent feeling being broadcast from it. He was not looking forward to this job. He put the key in the door half expecting it to bite him, but nothing of the sort happened. Jerry started to relax a little and scold himself for being such a superstitious fool.Â
He pulled into the holding area relaxed and blasting the radio, ready to clean out the car and go back to reading the cheap paperback he had waiting for him in the office. Expecting a mess to clean, Jerry was surprised to find nothing at all inside. He popped the trunk to quickly finish this job. Jerry lifted the lid to find a shoebox shaped object covered by duct tape with a message to anyone who would find it written in permanent marker on it. “Don’t open this box!” Being that Jerry is a human being he immediately set about unwrapping the tape from the box.
Todd,
Sometimes, unfortunately, I have to codify rules of writing which I’ve known internally but only suddenly realize on reading something. It’s one of those moments. This is the main trouble with this sample:
Okay, ennumerating the wacky things, it’s a standard trope for the new guy on guard duty to deal with the old crap that’s been there forever and discover the marvelous McGuffin, but a car that’s been in a garage for forty years and no one has noticed? Even if there is some office that’s been paying the bill monthly like clockwork, someone would have known about it, even if it was just called “Old reliable” by the accounting department.
That can be dealt with, but the next magical mysterious thing is the condition of the car. Not only does it seem to have no dirt or cobwebs, but the tires haven’t gone flat in forty years, nor has the gas gotten screwed up. Having a car that’s been garaged for twenty years now having to have seals redone so it can run, this isn’t believable at all.
Then the ominous trepidation of the protagonist. I can believe him writing this off, but not after the other impossible omens.
Then there’s the mysterious box in the trunk. First, just call it a shoe box. They had those forty years ago. Next, it’s amazing that the duct tape hasn’t fused. But most of all, the mysterious warning message? If someone wanted to bury something, there have to be better places to entomb it than a garaged car.
Individually, these don’t work, but stacked all together, they become impossible. I might turn the page from curiousity, but only to figure out which cliche is inside, and as an editor, I certainly wouldn’t buy it.
Sorry.
“who’s” = “who is”
“whose” = possessive
Having such a simple mistake in your first sentence isn’t very good at all.
Not much else to say; I think Mr. Murphy covered a lot already.
What Gyp said. In other circumstances, I would have stopped right at the who’s/whose mistake.
Try again. Slow down. I think you have a good situation, but Kevin is right that you have to set it up properly.
I just have to offer some advice on this one.
First, nothing wrong with a good “old car” story. But remember, RESEARCH and WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW.
My family owns a salvage and my dad buys and trades old musclecars. Last week he sold 30 cars, 20 of which had been in storage for about 1 year for some, to almost 14 for others. And trust me, the varying conditions of a car that goes unmoved and unstarted for even a couple of years, especially a carburated one, even in a climate-controlled environment, will make you appreciate a ten-year old running Kia like a thirsty man appreciates…well you get the gist.
So– forty years? So it is at least a ‘67 or older. By the way, what kind of car? Was it older than ‘67? For some reason, I pictured a big 4-door sedan, like a mid to late sixties ford Galaxy or something from the plymouth lineup, something basically worthless. But that’s just me. Still, people are gonna read this who know your subject and they’re going to wonder. But starting it up and driving? Trust me. You’re gonna need some tools and tires and a tow chain to move that car. And that would be a funny story in itself! Especially for the inexperienced employee entrusted to the task. Trust the first post by Kevin. He’s definitely on the right track with his advice.
Now, you may not intend to carry on further with your story, but if you do, go hang out in a salvage, or a garage where some old cars are being stored, and then come back and write your story. You’ll be mildly enlightened by the results of your research.
And if you don’t pursue this, you and everyone else (myself included) should always write what you know or simply do the research. But of course, I can’t tell you how to write your story, others here are far more qualified. I kind of like the idea you presented. If it were reworked, I’d probably read it!
and one last thing - because you’ve gotten some good input above - if the car has been sitting there for 40 years and is in pristine condition, then that is a very very very important plot point, as it suggests a supernatural agency
What Kate just said — it’s an important plot point.
However, it’s unbelievable that such a thing could occur in a busy garage. A new employee told to move the car in slot X and finding a 40-year-old car in cherry condition (or at least driveable) would assume it has at least somewhat recently been moved and cared for. About the only way around that is to use the dusty storage locker business, or maybe one of those new automated garages that moves cars on platforms.
Also, if the interval of “40″ isn’t crucial to the story, it would give more flavor to give the make and model of car. Even if the story is read ten years later, would it matter that the car is now 50?
This is all very good advice. I will definitely use it to rewrite. There may very well be a supernatural element to the box or whatever is inside, but the condition and age of the car is not important so out it goes. And you are absolutely right, I don’t know much about cars. Thank you again.
I noticed what the others have already pointed out, but here are a few nit-picky points:
I don’t mind, but, if you truly wanted a ‘13-line critique’, you should have stopped at the line “…but nothing of the sort happened.” Which is an intriguing line to end the page on.
I believe that, technically, you don’t need that comma in your first sentence. This sentence might read better if you made it into two sentences.
Finally, on your last sentence:
1) if this is from Jerry’s POV, I believe that you are moving out of his POV when you say it like that (”Being that Jerry is a human being…”).
2) if this is meant as an omniscient comment from the author, I must point out that I would not have opened the box and I think I qualify as a human being.
The others covered my points–whose, not who’s in first sentence, taking too long to get there–tires forty years old would be rotten, unless there’s magic afoot. All that said, I’d stll read on, because I am very intrigued.