Critique #108 — Debbie White
Kevin Andrew Murphy January 27th, 2007
   After seven months, Queen Tesrica was beginning to realize that being chosen to rule by Sano didn’t automatically make her a ruler. Two of her ministers, Sansu Kobri and Sanshi Jun, knelt before her on black cushions.
   “Now, Your Majesty–” Sansu Kobri said.
   “Silence!” Tesrica’s command resonated off the black and white marble walls and black marble floor. The first king had built every aspect of this hall to impress and intimidate, from the intricate gold inlay of the dais to the chandeliers with dangling crystals that scattered light throughout the long, narrow room. Yet the effect didn’t seem to be helping her very much. While the ministers before her and the four guards posted along the walls of the hall wore purple undertunics and black robes or armor to mark them as her servants, she felt the lie of it.
For some reason I cannot get a vision of a Japanese shogun out of my head. I assume this woman is sitting on a throne?
It’s amazing how much difference there is between this one and your last one just in how I imagined it. Your first one was completely dark with crystals raining on people’s heads (or, well, the light from the crystals all over the place like a disco ball). This one, however, makes me feel as though sunlight is streaming through somewhere and the mention of white lightens up your whole building a lot. Now I can actually see people’s faces!
I would keep reading to see what has this woman angry at these two men and what is to come of it.
I like this beginning a whole lot better! I do think the last bit somewhat heavy-laden (particularly the ‘purple tunics and black robes or armor’: if we have to know about them, how about breaking all that into a couple sentences?) but that’s such a small detail. This woman is queen, but doesn’t feel like it, despite the setting and the proper number and attire of servants: I am intrigued to find out why, and am definitely turning the page.
everything that comes before now sets up “she felt the lie of it.” As a reader I am struck by her revelation, and therefore curious to read on to find out what is going on.
My issue with the purple undertunics might be the generic nature of the description. Is there a more specific word that might be used? But that’s a quibble - I think you’re moving in the right direction here.
Agreed with Kate, Sherwood and Gyp–this is much better and I’m definitely interested in turning the page.
The last sticker of a line, however:
This would run easier if rephrased something like:
While the ministers before her and the four guards posted along the walls wore the purple and black that marked them as her servants, she felt the lie of it
 After all, it’s irrelevant to the reader’s visualization of the scene if the undertunics are black or purple, and we assume that the ministers are wearing robes and the guards are wearing armor because these are the things that guards and ministers generally wear. If three paragraphs later you mention that the ministers have ceremonial hats or the guards have turbaned helmets, no one will complain that you did mention it to begin with.
The “of the hall” is also unnecessary. All we see is the audience hall, so those are the only walls it could be.
The important thing in this sentence is that you’re noting the colors of the royal livery and pointing up the fact that, just because someone wears that color doesn’t mean they’re loyal to the queen.
Ditto all prior comments.
I have a minor quibble with the names - Sano, Sansu Kobri, and Sanshi Jun are clearly Japanese names, but wouldn’t Tesrica be a bit difficult to pronounce?
“Kobri” is not a Japanese name, Rhi, although the rest of them do seem Japanese (which is probably why I imagined Tesrica as a shogun at first).
Are you going for some sort of Japanese naming theme? I mean, I have a problem with psuedo-Japanese names and giving Japanese names to non-Japanese (I live in Japan, after all), but hey, to each her own. Just, it ought to be consistent, anyway.
Thanks, everyone, for their comments and for helping me to get my descriptions to say what I actually wanted them to say.
Yes, I realize that the last sentence still needs a little work to make it read more smoothly. I just wanted to make sure I was going in the right direction with it since I’m still trying to come up with something better.
To Kevin: Your final comments on my last critique clarified things for me. Thank you.
To Gyp: You probably got the Japanese shogun image because that’s what I was trying to invoke. I’m American. I know that I don’t know enough about the Japanese culture at that time to write an accurate story based in it, so my story is based in an ‘alternate world’ where an early Japanese shogun and his loyal men were exiled to a foreign land and the shogun was made king there. Thus, the story has a mix of cultures, names, skins types, etc. In this context, is my use of psuedo-Japanese and (later) psuedo-European names acceptable?
To Rhiannon: Tesrica is called ‘Rica’ throughout most of the story, if that makes you feel any better.
Er, yes. I was just curious, because to me the names clashed with the decour quite strikingly.
Gyp - I did notice that also.