Gyp - I did notice that also.

Yes, I realize that the last sentence still needs a little work to make it read more smoothly. I just wanted to make sure I was going in the right direction with it since I’m still trying to come up with something better.

To Kevin: Your final comments on my last critique clarified things for me. Thank you.

To Gyp: You probably got the Japanese shogun image because that’s what I was trying to invoke. I’m American. I know that I don’t know enough about the Japanese culture at that time to write an accurate story based in it, so my story is based in an ‘alternate world’ where an early Japanese shogun and his loyal men were exiled to a foreign land and the shogun was made king there. Thus, the story has a mix of cultures, names, skins types, etc. In this context, is my use of psuedo-Japanese and (later) psuedo-European names acceptable?

To Rhiannon: Tesrica is called ‘Rica’ throughout most of the story, if that makes you feel any better.

Are you going for some sort of Japanese naming theme? I mean, I have a problem with psuedo-Japanese names and giving Japanese names to non-Japanese (I live in Japan, after all), but hey, to each her own. Just, it ought to be consistent, anyway.

I have a minor quibble with the names - Sano, Sansu Kobri, and Sanshi Jun are clearly Japanese names, but wouldn’t Tesrica be a bit difficult to pronounce?

The last sticker of a line, however:

While the ministers before her and the four guards posted along the walls of the hall wore purple undertunics and black robes or armor to mark them as her servants, she felt the lie of it

This would run easier if rephrased something like:

While the ministers before her and the four guards posted along the walls wore the purple and black that marked them as her servants, she felt the lie of it

 After all, it’s irrelevant to the reader’s visualization of the scene if the undertunics are black or purple, and we assume that the ministers are wearing robes and the guards are wearing armor because these are the things that guards and ministers generally wear. If three paragraphs later you mention that the ministers have ceremonial hats or the guards have turbaned helmets, no one will complain that you did mention it to begin with.

The “of the hall” is also unnecessary.  All we see is the audience hall, so those are the only walls it could be.

The important thing in this sentence is that you’re noting the colors of the royal livery and pointing up the fact that, just because someone wears that color doesn’t mean they’re loyal to the queen.

My issue with the purple undertunics might be the generic nature of the description. Is there a more specific word that might be used? But that’s a quibble - I think you’re moving in the right direction here.

It’s amazing how much difference there is between this one and your last one just in how I imagined it. Your first one was completely dark with crystals raining on people’s heads (or, well, the light from the crystals all over the place like a disco ball). This one, however, makes me feel as though sunlight is streaming through somewhere and the mention of white lightens up your whole building a lot. Now I can actually see people’s faces!

I would keep reading to see what has this woman angry at these two men and what is to come of it.