Critique #110 — Debbie White #3
Kevin Andrew Murphy February 3rd, 2007
   “Behind you!”
   Jerome twisted just in time to block the sword thrust with his rapier. Soon the last attacker was lying in a pool of blood on the cobblestones. After a quick glance around to make sure all threats were gone, the lanky man stomped over to where Kit was huddled behind a rain barrel. “Why the hell are you still following me? Do you think that I’m out to save the world or something and want a tag-along?”
   Jerome twisted just in time to block the sword thrust with his rapier. Soon the last attacker was lying in a pool of blood on the cobblestones. After a quick glance around to make sure all threats were gone, the lanky man stomped over to where Kit was huddled behind a rain barrel. “Why the hell are you still following me? Do you think that I’m out to save the world or something and want a tag-along?”
   Kit shook her head so hard that her braids flew. “No. I believe what you said–that you’re out for revenge for your father.”
   Jerome gave a bitter laugh. “Yeah. So why are you still hanging around, kid? Don’t tell me that you have some grand idea of trying to save me.”
   Kit gave him a wary look, stood up, and shook the dust from her patched dress.
Debbie,
Overall, good–I’m intrigued enough to turn the page.
Various nits, however: Having a character named “Kit” is fine but not if you’re going to be having another character calling them “kid.” It’s sort of the “Sue said” problem, looks confusing on the page.
You’re starting with an omniscient narrator, which is fine, but I am wondering who these men (women?) are and why they’re attacking. Having thugs for the hero to fight is okay, but all I can gather of their purpose is that they’re here to show that you’re hero is good with a sword. Which is okay, but sort of movie serial stock footage for my taste.
In fact, I think that’s the problem I’m having here–the action, the “as you know, Bob”bing of characters recapping things said previously and whatnot, this reads like the intro to part three of a movie serial, after the cliffhanger which left Kit hiding behind the rainbarrel and Jerome fighting with the random mooks. Which is okay after its fashion, but I’m the sort of reader who wants to go back and see chapter one.
Apart from that, the descriptions are nice, and I’m definitely turning the page, but I’m also wanting some payoff soon since I’ve had to suspend disbelief already in the first thirteen lines, what with the anonymous mooks and the “as you know, Bob” recap.
Thanks, Kevin. I have two questions, but I want to wait on one until I’ve seen what other people comment about. I don’t want to skew people’s first impressions in any way on this one.
My first question is: Is it clear enough that Kit is a child without Jerome calling her ‘kid’? If so, then I’d prefer to keep the name and drop the ‘kid.’
I also meant to ask this question of my critiquers: Is it clear that Kit is the one who called out the warning on the first line without me having to tag it? I’d really prefer not to tag it if I can get away with not doing so.
Debbie,
For the second question, yes, it’s clear, at least to me. Jerome is hardly saying it, and there’s no reason for the attackers to say it, so it has to be Kit.
For the second, I was thinking of “kid” more in the “Billy, the” or “Here’s looking at you” sense. I imagined Jerome around thirty (old enough to actually be out on a revenge quest and that good with a sword) with Kit a kid in the relative sense of being fifteen to seventeen. Extra evidence of this is the rainbarrel she’s crouched behind. Those stand about three feet high, so for her to be on knees behind it and consequently dusting her skirts off, she’d need to be at least five feet, so not child but teen. She’s also speaking pretty well, so I’d guess teen.
Describing her as having braids is a start. Maybe Jerome calls her “little one” or some other dismissive nickname. Or you point out that she only comes to his waist or her language choice. It doesn’t have to be an obvious “kid” — in fact, it’s better when its not.
Otherwise, I agree with Kevin’s comments about it feeling like it’s starting in the wrong place. Depending on what happens next, it could work. or perhaps it’s just a rephrasing of what you’ve got already — for ex, “Why are you following me?” “Were you serious at the inn when you said you were out for revenge?” “Yes” “Well, then, I want to help, because… blah”. That pulls us much more into the present rather than feeling like we’ve missed something.
Though I liked the general idea of the story, a bunch of little things tripped me up, each diminishing my interest just a tad. Since this is a forum where we scrutinize the little stuff, let me point them out:
“Behind you!â€
“Behind!” would be quicker.
Jerome twisted just in time to block the sword thrust with his rapier.
You want to imply speed, so you don’t need ‘just in time’–it’s obvious in the action. Also, if he’s fighting with a rapier and the faceless redshirt is fighting with a sword, he’d deflect, not block, or he’s gonna be standing there with a broken bit of steel in his grip.
Soon the last attacker was lying in a pool of blood on the cobblestones.
lay in a pool is quicker–why use the past progressive, since you don’t need to convey ongoing action? Why not just the past tense of lie?
After a quick glance around to make sure all threats were gone, the lanky man stomped over to where Kit was huddled behind a rain barrel.
You could cut a lot of that out–’scan’ is faster than ‘a quick glance around’ , and ‘over to where Kit was huddled’ could be gotten rid of if you move the rain barrel up and have Kit huddle or crouch behind it. (You don’t need the ‘was’, which changes an active verb to passive)
“Why the hell are you still following me? Do you think that I’m out to save the world or something and want a tag-along?â€
Here is the biggest problem to me. It sounds totally false for a new character to say ‘Do you think I’m out to save the world’ and the ‘or something’ just draws more attention to the falsity. I cannot imagine anyone saying that after having just killed a bunch of people–even faceless redshirts. I really need to know why he’s saying it (and the ‘or something’ could go) to make me believe in him as a character. I see the author’s hand right there, shoving him into ‘hero position’, and judging from the fact that he’s had no emotional reaction whatosever to killing, or to the dead lying there, he becomes ‘cartoon hero’.
Kit shook her head so hard that her braids flew.
I love the image. Here’s where your natural storyteller is reaching past the text to beckon to me.
“No. I believe what you said–that you’re out for revenge for your father.â€
Jerome gave a bitter laugh. “Yeah. So why are you still hanging around, kid? Don’t tell me that you have some grand idea of trying to save me.â€
This is confusing after his ’save the world’ speech. Why would a child have a ‘grand idea’ of ’saving’ a guy who’s just killed a bunch of people, especially if she insists he’s not about to ’save the world or something’? Unless this is the signal that Kit is about to become the standard Perky Heroine.
Kit gave him a wary look, stood up, and shook the dust from her patched dress.
Dust? It’s dusty behind the barrel, but not dirty, full of cobwebs, or more to the point, gouts of blood from the sword battle that just made pools of blood clotting the grouting between the cobblestones?
In short, overall, I want to like it–there are elements I like (a competent hero, a courageous kid) but the details are adding up to ’standard’ and I want a fresh take on these elements. See Lois’s post on text outside–try to make the text render these familiar elements all shiny and new!
Impressions are very important in the story and so, while I still have that big question to ask, I’d like to hear people’s impressions of the revised version before I ask it. Can I send the revised version for critique now if I promise to not send another one in for at least two weeks?
To Dani: Later, Kit is described further in the manner you suggest (i.e. implying her height, etc.). I just wanted to make sure it was clear she was young from the start.
To Kevin: Establishing that Jermone is an excellent swordsman is the pivotal to the whole story. If he wasn’t so darn good, there would be no story. Or no story worth telling. If I start the story too much eariler, you’ll simply have to read through a bunch of sword fights. Eariler than that, and what I’m trying to do with the story itself will be destroyed. This is were the real action and ‘intriguing things’ start. I knew I’d need help if I was going to pull it off, though, and everyone’s advice has been very helpful.
To Sherwood: Thanks. I cringe at how wordy I apparently am even when I’m trying not to be. I’ll respond to your ‘looks like the makings of a standard hero and sidekick’ story after the revised portion is posted, but hopefully I’ve gotten rid of some of that.
Debbie,
Okay, but please remember these pages don’t just pop up magically. It’s a bit of a bother to juggle in a new one, but you’ve caught me in a spare moment.
Locking this thread. Everyone, please take the discussion to #111 and the revision.
Also, I think as notation, I think we’re going to start putting a “.5″ on the revisions so people can keep them straight from the new submissions.