Critique #111 — Debbie White #3.5
Kevin Andrew Murphy February 3rd, 2007
   “Behind!”
   Jerome twisted to deflect the sword thrust with his rapier. Soon the last attacker lay in a pool of blood on the cobblestones. The lanky man scanned the street for threats before he stomped over to where Kit huddled behind a rain barrel. “Why the hell are you still following me? Do you think that I’m out to save the world and want a tag-along?”
   Kit shook her head so hard that her braids flew. “No. I never thought that. Everyone says you’re going to the…to Devon’s manor to avenge your father.”
   Jerome gave a bitter laugh. “Yeah. So why are you still hanging around? Do you think I need your help?”
   Kit gave him a wary look, stood up, and brushed the dust and cobwebs from her patched dress. “No. My brother says that some people don’t want to be saved, no matter what.”
Debbie,
The revisions from #110 are generally good, except for the final line, which turns this from an intriguing story into “Inigo Montoya meets a Jehovah’s Witness.”
With what you were saying earlier about showing that Jerome’s a master swordsman…you haven’t. You’ve simply shown us that he’s skilled enough to kill redshirts, which we’d sort of assume anyone out to avenge his father might be able to do, unless he’s actively suicidal, which Jerome does not seem to be.
Plus, with Kit going “Everyone says” followed close on by “My brother says,” I’m expecting you hear “My momma says” a paragraph later, at which point I’m going to want to slap her for turning a speech quirk into an odious personal habit.
No matter who she quotes, Kit is being Exposition Girl, and not even gracefully. I’m not wanting to turn the page.
(If you want to post another revision, do so in this thread. People can compare alternates and say whether they like something better.)
Kevin, I really, really do appreciate the time that you’re putting into this to help me. I didn’t realize that you’d prefer for me to just post revisions here instead of doing a new critique. I apologize if I don’t seem to appreciate what you and the other critiquers are doing for me.
To comment on your critique: This opening wasn’t meant to establish that Jerome was an expert swordman. What I meant to say is that he has to kill someone if I’m going to establish he’s an expert swordsmen. The next ‘redshirts’ are identified by who they’re working for (Devon, the man he wants to kill) and those men establish Jerome’s skill. These opening redshirts are here to establish that Kit has helped Jerome in the past and thus he has a reason to trust her to be on his side.
I was trying to establish that Kit is fairly young by having her quote others a lot. (She isn’t trying to save his soul.) Amazingly, this is the last time she quotes people, but I see your point about it coming too often, one right after the other.
I probably should have also rewritten, “Kit gave him a wary look, straightened up, and brushed the dust and cobwebs from her patched dress.” to establish that she’s younger than you guessed.
At this point, I’m guessing that I just don’t have the skill necessary to pull this story off. To explain: You like to say “Imply, don’t tell.” Well, it intrigued me that in the article you wrote called “The Devil in the Details — Descriptions”, your ‘opium den’ description didn’t imply what you thought it would to most of your readers. So ‘imply’ can be a ticklish thing to do effectively since a description won’t always imply the same thing to everyone.
So I began to wonder if it was possible to write a story where a reader’s expectations could be used against them. I wrote this ~1,500 word story (titled First Impressions) trying to set up the reader to expect certain things only for them to slowly realize that those things aren’t true. After the not-so-expected ending, I want them to realize that all the hints were there but that their own expectations had made them miss the significance of those hints.
Hint: Jerome is not the hero, though he is not a villain. Kit, while appearing like the bubbly side-kick, is not…at least, she’s not Jerome’s side kick. She’s actually the heroine, if you dare call it that.
But I’ll shut up now. I’m sorry to be so much trouble.
First line: “Behind!” I think it would look better if it was written something like, “Behind—!” It gives the impression that her warning was cut off by the redshirt’s blow. If I were going to yell a warning at someone, I would actually finish saying “Behind you!” unless I was cut off.
And yeah, her last line doesn’t make that much sense to me. So, he thinks she thinks he needs help; she says he doesn’t want to be saved. Uh, what? How did his needing help turn into his needing to be saved?
Okay, here’s my last attempt at making this story work:
“Behind–!â€?
Jerome whirled to deflect the sword thrust with his rapier. Soon the last attacker lay in a pool of blood on the cobblestones. The lanky man scanned the street for threats before he stomped over to where Kit huddled behind a rain barrel. “Why the hell are you still following me? Do you think that I’m out to save the world and want a tag-along?�
Kit shook her head so hard that her braids flew. “No, I never thought that. I heard that you’re going to the…to Devon’s manor to avenge your father.�
Jerome gave a bitter laugh. “Yeah. So why are you still hanging around? Do you think I need your help?�
Kit gave him a reproachful look, straightened up, and brushed the dust and cobwebs from her patched dress. “My brother says that some people don’t want to be rescued, no matter what.�
Well, I liked the rewrite–tighter–though the last line puzzled me, but with this new version I like it a whole lot. But I really like stories in which kids become active participants, even carrying action.
So, for the purposes of discussion, let me describe my reader-reaction. The fact that Jerome has just offed a bunch of people no longer bothers me because the story has shifted into Young Adult mode. The violence is swashbuckling violence: that is, the redshirts aren’t ‘real’ people (as they would be if there were graphic descriptions of them being hacked up etc), there is no focus on pain and suffering. They become play deaths, in service to the story, the focus is not about the short sharp shocks of life, yadda yadda. The language, the situation, shifts the focus to Kit, signalling “kid story” which has different values and expectations. And I really like kid stories, as I said. So for me, it’s a page-turner.
Yay for the childrens!
Thank you, Sherwood. You’ve been a lot of help. That’s the information I needed to hear. Now I need to study why my first submission didn’t correctly show that this was Kit’s story and that it required ‘YA mode.’ And now, maybe I’ll be able to polish the story off into a decent read–especially if I pull enough strangers off the street and demand they read my story and tell me their impressions of it.
I think I learned another thing from this–just how embedded the assumption of ‘older teenage girl heroine/sidekick’ is.
I think, in the future, my guidelines will be:
Both tell and show what is not fantasy-usual and critical to your story. Show what is important but fantasty-usual to your story. Imply what is secondary in your story.
Thanks, everyone. This has been a huge learning experience for me in more ways than one.
Debbie: what shifted my impression of the story was how much story energy, so to speak, Kit exhibited in this new version. Of course it’s just the opening, an arbitrary number of lines, and yet you showed more story–specifically Kit’s characters–in the latest version, with fewer words than in the first version.
Hmmm. It all sounds a bit familiar. The MC even alludes to the cliched nature of the theme - hero out to save the world (quite possibly reluctantly and not seeing himself in the role) acquires young child sidekick. The girl seems to be a vehicle for exposition - I’m getting too much information and not enough hook. Thehomespun wisdom regarding being saved (or not) comes too early on - I can only be sold lines like that by real characters that I’ve come to know & cut some slack. The description and feeling that I would expect given man and child are surrounded by bleeding corpses and/or wounded men, are absent, giving a slightly cartoony feel to the piece.
Hope there’s some help here.
Len