I think I can help you with that.

One characteristic of this brief sample of your writing is that much that could be directly described is filtered through the narrator’s perceptions – and that’s one big reason there are so many I’s in it.

What I’m going to do here is not meant to re-write your story. It’s meant to give you some examples from your text that will shine a light on getting rid of an overabundance of I’s and at the same time allow the reader to experience the sensory details in the story first-hand.

You write, “My cloak was drenched and I could feel the water seeping through my clothes to my skin.”

Another way to say this is, “My cloak was drenched, Cold water seeped through my clothes to my skin.” (This way, we can feel it, too.)

You write, “The sky rumbled and I dashed for shelter”

Another choice could be, “The rumbling of thunder sent me dashing for shelter.” (This way, it’s a sequence of cause and effect.)

You write, “I could not see anything through the haze and the wing beats became louder.”

You could say, “Through the haze obscuring everything beyond the ruined wall, I could hear the approach of mighty wings.” (This shifts the focus from the narrator and what she’s looking at and hearing, to what is actually happening. Showing, not telling.)

A couple of other things. One, do be aware that hearts skipping beats is a very tired cliché. And two, “Nothing was making me go back out there again!” stopped me every time I read your sample. It sounds out of key with the rest, it doesn’t add anything to what’s going on, and the exclamation point, which should be used most judiciously, calls way too much attention to itself.

I do think this is an intriguing beginning. I’m curious as to what will happen next. Best luck with it.

[Note: I don't think you overused "I" at the beginning of the sentences, but I did a few "beginning with 'I'" cuts in this sample since you asked about that. I also did not correct the other things that were talked about in earlier posts.]

“I managed to make it safely under what was left of the second floor when lightning split the sky and the rain came down even harder. Nothing was making me go back out there again! Over the pounding of the rain, I heard something else. It sounded like wings but belonging to something much larger than a bird. I could not see anything through the haze. The wing beats became louder. … Suddenly, a small dragon landed in the courtyard. … My heart skip a few beats. The sight of those wondrous creatures, large or small, always filled me with awe.”

I hope I was able to make my explanation more helpful this time. Good luck.

You did a nice job of avoiding too much “I” construction, and personally I’m not that upset by compound/complex sentences, using a lot of them myself.

The way to avoid to much “I” or even the third-person alternation of “he” and “proper name” is to simply get to the dialogue. If there isn’t anyone else to talk to, this is why there are so many characters who talk to god, their pet/familiar, or alternately the audience/reader (old fashioned, but a personal favorite). Asides about whatnot can help to gloss over “and then I saw a bush and a tree and a couple more bushes and…” all the assorted minutia that actually happen but aren’t as entertaining to read about.

The “purple in colour” is the overly descriptive nature again. Will work on that.

I find I join alot of sentences with “and” because I’m having a little trouble avoiding too many “I” statements. The very first version of this had every other sentence beginning with “I”. Any suggestions on getting around that would be greatly appreciated. I’ll also be getting to the library soon to get a grammer and punctuation book. Thank you for the help.

(I agree with Kevin and Debbie’s comments about language, and you’ll continue to tweak this, but I think now you can really go through the rest of the story with that so called fine tooth comb and then see how much it has improved.)

Kevin already pointed out that you could cut “purple in color” to “purple.”

Commas are our friends if used in the correct places. Your main problem is joined sentences. If you have two sentences joined by an “and,” then you need to put a comma before the “and.”

My cloak was drenched, and I could feel the water seeping through my clothes to my skin. …. The sky rumbled, and I dashed for shelter. …. Over the pounding of the rain, I heard something else. …. I could not see anything through the haze, and the wing beats became louder. I continued to peer out through the rain, and suddenly a small dragon landed in the courtyard.

You use a lot of joined sentences. You might wish to break some of these joined sentences down into singles, especially after your POV hears the wing beats and you want to increase the tension of the story.

It sounded like wings but belonging to something much larger than a bird.

This is an awkward sentence. You are also talking about the dragon’s wing size before the POV can see the wings. Perhaps “It sounded like wings but much louder than for a bird.”?

I could feel my heart skip a few beats.

You can drop the “I could feel.” “My heart skipped a few beats” is sufficient.

Nothing was making me go back out there again!

I found the change in verb tense in this one sentence a bit jarring. Perhaps “Nothing could make me got out there again!” or something like that would be better?

Keep at it. This is getting better.

The rewrite is much improved, though could stand a use of a pen to redline through redundant word choice. For example, “purple in color” could be clipped down to simply “purple.” I know a few extra words here and there can help with mood and flow, but some of this is getting in the way of getting to the story.

The narrator also seems rather unafraid of the possiblity of being eaten by the dragon, which I question, but then again, as I’ve noted earlier, I have a bit of an allergy to the “magical wondrous creature” view of dragons unless it’s followed by “that might eat me.”

(ed. note: Joy submitted a rewrite, but since this post is still current, I’m simply adding it below so folk can comment in this posting)

Rewrite:

               The spring rain fell in torrents. My cloak was drenched and I could feel the water seeping through my clothes to my skin. Pushing my way through the trees, I came upon a clearing. There stood what was once a grand manor now fallen into an advanced state of decay. The sky rumbled and I dashed for shelter. I managed to make it safely under what was left of the second floor when lightning split the sky and the rain came down even harder.
Nothing was making me go back out there again! Over the pounding of the rain I heard something else. It sounded like wings but belonging to something much larger than a bird. I could not see anything through the haze and the wing beats became louder. I continued to peer out through the rain and suddenly a small dragon landed in the courtyard. I could feel my heart skip a few beats. The sight of those wondrous creatures, large or small, always filled me with awe. This particular one was light purple in color and about the size of a pair of draft horses. It stopped and blinked at me. The rain glistened on scales that shimmered in the dim light. Those dark eyes regarded me curiously as it marched into my shelter and laid down, curling its tail around its body.