Critique #118 — Arnold Lund
Kevin Andrew Murphy March 7th, 2007
Edmund stumbled through the downpour, the laughter of the men at the port still ringing in his ears, the last of his narcotics ebbing in his blood. Somewhere behind him he could hear the shuttle that had vomited him out–certainly one of the last volunteer flights to the surface–roaring in preparation to scramble back out of the atmosphere.
“They’re hauling,” said the man who had been walking near, his head nodding in the direction of the docking bays. His stained, unsealed grin pierced the haze of rain between them and the shadow cast on his face by a dirty, wide-brim hat banded with a colorful animal pelt. The man laughed then, suppressing the air that built inside with each guffawing motion before it wheezed from his throat in truncated bursts, as though the action pained him. Edmund gazed at the wrinkled, coarse skin stretched tight across an elongated jaw and nose that protruded from shadow. Ancient layers of sunburn darkened the man’s hide. Definitely a native, and, not medhanced in any evident way.
From this sentence, I’m imagining an (illegal-drug) drugged-up sailor stumbling around a city in the rain and remembering the laughter of ‘the men.’ (Which men? the crew? the passengers? loiterers?)
This firmly sets this at a planetary space port and it sounds like he is much closer to the shuttle and maybe still at the port or just outside the port area. I assume the narcotics had something to do with the space flight? Your “certainly one of the last volunteer flights to the surface” is coming at the wrong place, I think. I found it confusing. Maybe shift it to right after “the shuttle” and drop the “certainly”? Or maybe break this sentence down into two separate sentences.
This sentence is a bit confusing with the current grammar and is a bit repetitive. You can simply said “…a man walking near him said, nodding toward the docking bay.” sine we assume that he has been walking near Edmund.
I’m confused. How can a grin be stained or unsealed? It’s not a shirt or something. Or did you mean his teeth were stain and showing? Also, how can a grim pierce haze or rain? It’s not a light. Did you mean that it could be seen? I would assume that, anyway, because Edmund can see the man. The second half of the sentence is confusing, too. Did you mean that the hat cast a shadow on his face? Or that the grin somehow pierced the haze, rain, and shadow?
Why is he laughing, then, especially if it’s painful? I haven’t read anything funny so far. It just struck me as odd. Also, a guffaw is a loud, unrestrained burst of laughter. I don’t think it works here in the way you’re using it, especially since the man is trying to restrain the wheeze…I think. Why not just say, “then the man wheezed” or shorter? Does the laugh really merit this much description?
From which shadow? The hat’s shadow? Even saying, “from the shadow” would flow better.
Sunburn either fades or the skin peels off after a relatively short number of days. I don’t think sunburn can be layered nor ancient.
You can drop the second comma.
At this point, I’m too confused by the grammar and word choice to read on, even though I’m curious about these flights and what the hurry is.
Thank you for the critique!
Responses to questions/comments:
Basically, “the men” are people who think he’s crazy for wanting to stay on this particular planet, the reasons for which are only later revealed.
The man in the wide-brim hat can soon be identified as one of those somewhat mentally unbalanced characters who finds it amusing to watch panic in those around him–the type that laughs while the world ends. Specifically, he is amused here by the frantic shuttle crew. And mere pain has not usually stopped me from laughing in spite of myself.
You are correct. I was trying to describe how this particular place gets a lot of UV rays, and so the non-”medhanced” natives become well-tanned. With “layers” was trying to say the tanning went deep. A while after posting and pondering further such things as the physiology of suntanning I did foresee the difficulties with wording both here and elsewhere. Example: with “unsealed grin” I was trying to say his lips peeled back as if to unseal it–might have gone a little description overboard:-) In conclusion, I hope the revision flows better as follows:
Edmund stumbled through the downpour, the laughter of the men at the port still ringing in his ears, the last of his narcotics ebbing in his blood. Somewhere behind him he could hear the shuttle that had vomited him out roaring in preparation to scramble back out of the atmosphere. It was certainly one of the last volunteer flights to the surface.
“They’re hauling,” a man said, grinning with heavily stained teeth while he nodded in the direction of the docking bays. He suddenly began to laugh in wheezing, truncated bursts, as though the action pained him. Through the haze of rain, Edmund gazed at coarse, wrinkled skin stretched tight across an elongated jaw and nose protruding from the shadow of a wide-brim hat. His hide was deeply tanned. Definitely a native, and not medhanced in any evident way.
Thanks again for the input
Most of those questions were actually rhetorical, Arnold.
I was trying to give you and idea of what your readers are thinking and asking as they read the story.
I found the re-write much easier to read, and it was clearer what was going on. Good job. A few minors nits that I still have are:
The “certainly” in “It was certainly…” throws me mentally when I’m reading it. This may just be my reaction and no one else’s, but I think that the sentence works better if you drop the “certainly.”
Even in your re-write, I am still picturing this laughing-man as someone who came off the shuttle with Edmund. Maybe you could sneak in a word or two that lets us know that he didn’t, that this was someone Edmund was passing by who was standing there watching the shuttle or something. Also, the reason for all this laughing (’the men’ and then ‘the native’) is unclear at this point. We can guess that the shuttle has something to do with the native’s laugher, but we don’t know why. The men’s laugher could have been because of Edmund’s stumbling about or because he looks funny in some way. You don’t have to specify why they are laughing in these first thirteen, but (as a reader) I’d like an explanation of ‘voluntary flights’ and the laugher fairly soon. However, I’d almost like a stronger hint at the explanation in the first thirteen, like “the men laughing at him for coming to this planet” or some-such. A person choosing to come and stay on a ‘forsaken’ planet is a much more intriguing hook to me than simply wondering why everyone is laughing. Good luck on your story.
Yes, I can set the scene more clearly by specifying where the man was in relationship to Edmund. As for the laughter, it’s not surprising that you and hypothetical readers are a bit confused, because Edmund is confused by it to, which prompts the conversation that follows.
Got it. Sounds good.
Arnold,
the situation you imply - a man choosing to stay on the possibly doomed planet (which I understood from your excerpt, not from reading your responses to Debbie) - is clear within that one sentence. So - wow - a great conflict.
But right now your verbiage is too convoluted to follow easily, though. Slow down, and seek clarity.
For ex
Edmund stumbled through the downpour, the laughter of the men at the port still ringing in his ears, the last of his narcotics ebbing in his blood. Somewhere behind him he could hear the shuttle that had vomited him out–certainly one of the last volunteer flights to the surface–roaring in preparation to scramble back out of the atmosphere.
could be (not that I’m suggesting you do this, this is just an example):
Edmund stumbled through the downpour. Somewhere behind him he could hear the shuttle that had vomited him out–certainly one of the last volunteer flights to the surface–roaring in preparation to scramble back out of the atmosphere.
“stumbled” tells us the basic info we need to know about E’s condition. The second sentence sets out the bad situation he is in. That’s kind of a one-two punch.
Then you can introduce his memory of men laughing, the narcotics, and finally introduce the fact that there are others (or one other) people walking along the road with him. Then, the conversation, without too much description beyond what we need to know to understand that the guy is local.
Does that make sense?
“They’re hauling,†said the man who had been walking near, his head nodding in the direction of the docking bays. His stained, unsealed grin pierced the haze of rain between them and the shadow cast on his face by a dirty, wide-brim hat banded with a colorful animal pelt. The man laughed then, suppressing the air that built inside with each guffawing motion before it wheezed from his throat in truncated bursts, as though the action pained him. Edmund gazed at the wrinkled, coarse skin stretched tight across an elongated jaw and nose that protruded from shadow. Ancient layers of sunburn darkened the man’s hide. Definitely a native, and, not medhanced in any evident way.
oops, forgot to cut that second paragraph of the excerpt