Critique #121 — Donnie Gillespie
Kevin Andrew Murphy March 7th, 2007
The delicate lace curtains flap silently in the late night autumn breeze as he silently slips in through the open window. He glides down the darkened hallway, blending in with the misshapen shadows cast by the waning moonlight.
With a slight creak, the door opens and he slips into her bedroom. He strolls up to the bed, which is cloaked in a canopy of the finest European silk. He looks down on her sleeping form. Her raven hair shines in the moonlight creating a halo about her head. He looks at every inch of her, so beautiful; not even the full-length linen gown can hide her full and graceful curves.
How many lonely centuries has it been since his last bride had been taken from him? Eternity is a long time to be alone. He must have her; she must be his, now and forever.
Starting at her small and delicate feet, he takes one finger and lightly slides it up her long, slim legs, over her soft but taut belly. Goose bumps decorate her skin as she wiggles and moans in response to his touch. He softly caresses her full firm breasts, feeling her nipples become erect against the palms of his hands.
This is definitely not my sort of story, and I’m so turned off by it that I wouldn’t be a fair reviewer. My only comment will therefore be: if someone touched my feet while I was sleeping, I’d wake up. I’m unconvinced by a sleeping woman who wouldn’t wake up at this treatment. (I’d also have her bash the fellow in the head with the alarm clock for good messure, but that’s just my opinion.)
I think the basic balance of this beginning is good, the level of description versus action.
There is a fabric fetish going on — most of the details involve fabric — that may or may not be purposeful.
Some nitpicks and one major issue:
- The word “silently” is awkwardly repeated in the first sentence.
- The word “strolls” seems far too casual for someone who has been waiting “lonely centuries.”
- The big issue I have is that this story doesn’t feel unique enough amongst the legion of “he had waited eternity to find a new bride” supernatural stories out there. There’s nothing in it to brand it as new, as special, as yours. That doesn’t mean you have to give up the story’s secrets in the first paragraph, but you do need to signal the reader in some way that you’re not just going to be rehashing clichés — or I stop reading.
Debbie and MattD have said everything I would have said.
hey everybody. thanks for the comments. sorry i haven’t been to check on this sooner but i have my first novel (ramblings of a mad man) in a competition over at gather.com’s first chapters writing competition and i’ve been monitoring that. Anyways, about the comments.
debbie: you got me to thinking. i see your point, maybe i need to give him a lighter touch. something like “his touch caressed her skin as lightly as a summer breeze” or something like that. i’ll work on it.
mat: the ’silently’ occuring twice was actually a typo, one that i hadn’t noticed. the first one was supposed to be gently. “curtains flap gently”. i see your point about making it different. i need to get something in there to hook the reader and hold them. i see that i also need to work on painting the time period a little better. it’s supposed to be in the late 1800 to early 1900 time frame.
you’ve given me some good stuff to work on. thanks again.
If someone stranger’s hands were on my breasts, I can tell you one thing, I would NOT be moaning in pleasure. I would be running away. Very swiftly.
But yeah, this story ain’t my thing. I wouldn’t keep going just ’cause.
Why present tense? What does it add?
Definitely not my type of story, since I’m not into vampires who can have sex.
Seaboe
I think a lot of the adjectives could be excised to make it go faster–delicately appears twice, for example, and both times it’s already implied. (Is there such a thing as lace that is not delicate?)
And likewise, Donnie, why load a sentence with ‘his touch caressed’ when you could just say ‘he caressed’?
Other than that, the opening does mark it down as sexy-vampire subgenre, which I only read if it’s funny, but it might appeal to those who like their vampires to be Peeping Toms.
Hello, Donnie, You seem to have collected some commentary here from people who say this is not their sort of thing. Well, it’s not my sort of thing either, I’m sad to say. In my humble opinion, the vampire thing has been done to death already. I agree with Matt that there would have to be something strikingly unique happening in the first few lines for me to keep reading.
I don’t know enough about the “sexy vampire†genre to know how soon sex should come into play, but I do know this: what Debbie and Gyp say about their reaction to someone unexpectedly laying hands in the night is how most women would react, especially women who think they’re sleeping alone. I think, since it’s been centuries and he’s longing, your setup would be much more powerful if he masters his need by drawing back those silken bed hangings and standing there admiring her and wanting her until she becomes aware of him, as people often do when someone stares at them while they’re sleeping.
Actually, I’d be much more interested in the beginning if he saw her on an evening street and followed her. It would give you an opportunity to set the scene with specific details of time and place, which would keep the beginning from sounding so generic. And then he could return to her house and slip into her room while she’s sleeping, which would have much more resonance because we would already know a little of his backstory.
Now, a few nit-picky comments.
In paragraph one, the moonlight is “waning,†but in paragraph two, it’s bright enough not only to make her hair shine, but to create a “halo†around it. I don’t think I’d buy that.
She has “full and graceful†curves and “full†breasts. Yet she has tiny (“small and delicateâ€) feet. I can believe delicate feet, but tiny feet and big breasts make me think of Barbie or someone equally disproportionate. I don’t imagine that’s the picture you’re going for here.
I agree with Matt that “strolls†is too casual. It implies purposelessness, and if this vampire fellow is anything, it’s purposeful.
For those who like “sexy vampire†stories, I think it’s possible for you to make something interesting out of this.