Critique #126 — Joan Ang
Kevin Andrew Murphy April 21st, 2007
Uncle Robert was a lurker, a vagabond, a tramp, a bum. That’s what people said about him. To me he was a musician, a man of faith, an uncle, a friend, a hero. To me he is the man who said “Never say goodbye. We’ll meet again.”
I was ten when we first met. It was after school. Father was working at church that day and I was let loose in the building. He was camping out in the storage closet.
“Hi, I’m Gloria.” The man in the closet froze. “Who are you?”
He didn’t answer. I examined him, long beard, ragged appearance, broken sandals, intelligent eyes. “Are you Jesus?” I asked.
The man laughed and shook his head, “No.”
“Are you an angel then?”
“Not even close.”
“A fallen angel?”
“No.” His eyes were shining.
“Then who are you?”
“Name’s Robert.”
“What you doing here?”
“Living.”
A comma is needed after “To me” in both these cases. However, I think the second sentence would read better as “He was the man who told me…”
This threw me a little bit. It was after school, so I assumed she was at the school building. Then we find out that she’s in a church. The “it was after school” isn’t really necessary since she’s obviously not in school if she’s at the church. Also, the “he” in “he was…storage closet” seems to refer to her father as it stands.
Since you’ve already introduced Uncle Robert and said this was him, go ahead and use his name here. I’m also wondering why Uncle Robert is hiding/camping out in a closet if he’s a relative.
Change the comma to a period.
Sorry, but I wasn’t really hooked by this writing. Why do I care about Uncle Robert? What is the source of conflict or other change that this story is about? Right now, all I have is a child who likes a man whom others don’t like and that’s not enough to keep me reading.
The way this is laid out, I thought the man in the closet was saying he was Gloria and I was confused because you’d just been saying he was Robert.
Seaboe
Also regarding “Hi, I’m Gloria.”
I think this is a somewhat forced introduction of the characters name and gender. Wouldn’t it be more natural for her first reaction to be “what are you doing?” if she came across a man living in a closet?
Seaboe
Joan,
Any child sheltered or innocent or dumb enough not to know what a homeless person is and recognize one when they find him in a storage closet is hardly going to be able to wrap their mind around the concept of “fallen angel” even if it is obviously a significant symbolic element in your later story.
I have strong objections to anyone cramming exposition and obvious “wisdom” into the mouths of babes, especially when it’s obvious that they’re possessed by the author and saying things no child would reasonably say. It makes me want to perform an exorcism.
It’s a stretch enough to ask if he’s Jesus, but from there to an angel? How often do you see angels depicted with beards? At best, she might make the jump to Santa Claus, but frankly I think even that’s a stretch.
I don’t buy it, I don’t like it, and I’m not turning the page.
I was intrigued by the first two lines, specifically the contrast. However I was puzzled by the shift of tenses. “Was…a lurker/to me, he is…”
After that, I found the picture bluring because you use cliches instead of work pictures: he froze, his eyes were shining. Give real details?
Also, I can’t believe a kid of ten would ask “Are you Jesus?” of a guy in a closet–not these days. Kids are warned from a young age about strange guys, and so I could see a three year old doing it–maybe–but anyone over five would open that closet door, scream, and run like heck.
Thank you all for the feedback.
Sorry I haven’t been able to reply sooner (no internet access in the last two weeks).
Debbie: Robert isn’t really related to the girl in any way. “Uncle” is more of an honorary title, but I suppose that wasn’t obvious from the way I introduced him. As for all the other problems, I want to kick myself for not catching them earlier.
Seaboe: Good point. Which question do you think should come first, “Who are you?” or “What are you doing?”
I guess the main problem I’m having is getting into the head of a ten year old.
I’ll post a rewrite sometime next week.
Thanks again!
Joan
I know it is a bit late, but I am going to disagree with Debbie. Leave the commas out if you want. The commas she points to are operating as pauses and so change the metre of your phrasing.
Try reading the lines out loud with and without the pause. Which do you prefer? Go with the one you like the sound of best.