Critique #127 — Carlotta Zane
Kevin Andrew Murphy April 28th, 2007
It’s whispered in the village that Aleister Reavy practices the black arts at the old Montford place on the lakeshore.
There are always whispers in the village, of course. We are too isolated here, beyond the grasp of commerce and industry fifty miles to the south, and without the amenities which draw the tourist trade: our pleated, forested hills do not rise into mountains, and our springfed lake is near bottomless, cold and black on even the most sweltering of August days. Almost no one moves to this remote and inward backwater; anyone who does, becomes the main topic of speculation and conversation, as was the Methodist minister, sent by the synod fifteen years ago to replace the Reverend Mr. White, a village native. Even after a decade and a half, even after his son married a village girl - over her parents’ objections - the Stauntons are still outsiders.
Or were, until last summer when, sudden and surprising as heat lightning, Aleister Reavey came.
Carlotta,
I always find the present tense a bit off-putting for a story, and even more so for a tale that’s obviously going to be a backwoods story of black magic and hoodoo. Why are you using it?
Getting aside from that, you’ve got a nice hook and I’m interested in reading more about the characters, but I think you could pare some of the business in the second paragraph back. Ditch the business about it being inconvenient for industry, and put in something more likely for the reason why tourists aren’t that interested in coming–bad roads, for example. The description of the lake sounds straight out of a tourist brochure and I can think of any number of people including myself who’d like to visit that. And forested hills mean easier hiking.
Anyway, apart from such bits of polish, you’ve certainly set up an intriguing starter, and I particularly like how the Stauntons were not accepted by the townsfolk until the new and extremely creepy outsider entered town, at which point they become “our Stauntons” which is a wonderful human detail.
I like this beginning very much, though I agree with Kevin that some of the busy-ness of the second graph could be pared. There are also a lot of commas that would be better removed, and “which” comes after a comma–in this sentence “that draw the tourist trade” would be more correct. (That is, if you’re going for an American market. British “which” use goes both ways.)
I like this a lot.
If I were reading this in a collection or magazine, I would take a wait-and-see attitude on a present tense - depends on how you deal with as the story unfolds.
As for the second paragraph, I’m not sure I think there is too much information, although I think I agree with Kevin that the elements that are listed as not being tourist-attracting might, in fact, attract tourists unless there is some other element to them that makes them discomforting. I also could not help but wonder if the lake was going to figure further on in the story.
Anyway, I would read more - that third paragraph is great, a real hook.