Critique #132 — Ivy Reisner
Kevin Andrew Murphy June 6th, 2007
“Lord…Set?” The teenager who poked his head into my
office managed to make each word sound like its own
question. He probably thought someone was playing a
joke on the new guy–trying to get him in trouble with
the CEO–but I believe in being honest in my dealings.
No one ever expects it. Besides, when you’re an
Ancient Egyptian god, why hide it?
I arched an eyebrow. “Yes. Can I help you?”
He swallowed hard and entered my office, dragging a
mail sack behind him.
“I have a delivery for you.” He even made that sound
like a question.
“Yes,” I confirmed. “You do.” He looked bewildered
but he pulled the sack to my desk and unloaded
armloads of manila envelopesâ?”transom submissions of
game designsâ?”onto my desk.
Now I don’t know how other game companies handle this.
I’d guess they either hire someone at minimum wage to
wade through the muck looking for gems or they send
them all back unread.
I think the block of background smack at the beginning slows this down a lot.
Seaboe
Seaboe, do you mean the first paragraph or the entire opening? I appreciate the feedback.
-Ivy
From “Lord…Set?” to “honest in my dealings”, I liked it. I was intrigued by having an Egyptian god in a modern setting. However, I didn’t understand “No one ever expects it.” Expects what? Expects him to be honest (why ever not?)? Expects him to be a god? Also, is Set the CEO or is calling Set “Lord Set” something that might get them in trouble with another person who is the CEO?
The next few sentences are fine. You could probably lose the word ‘ancient’ since that part is obvious. However, I got confused again in the “…unloaded armloads of manila envelopes….back unread.” Part of it might be the formatting issue–how is the “manila envelope” line really supposed to read? After a few read-throughs to put everything together, I think you mean that the envelopes contain submissions of game designs that have been mailed to Set’s game company and that he, the CEO of the company, is personally reviewing them. Is that correct?
If so, then I have questions: How come a CEO–and a god at that–doesn’t know how other game companies handle things? Why is he accepting submissions from outside the company? My brother applied to become a game designer at a computer game company. Why? Because they typically hire talented folk to design and build games in-company. If you know for a fact that some game companies out-source the game design, just keep in mind that people like me will still get tripped up on this part. (Just a note: applications to work at a game company do involve designing a ‘pretend’ game to show a person potential skill. Those might be mailed in.)
If you meant that these were submissions from his own game designers, why would a minimum-wage earner look through them instead of the boss? Also, why aren’t the designers pitching their game designs to him personally?
If you cleared these questions up in the text, I’d probably be interested enough to read on.
Debbie,
I think you’re right, I didn’t clarify things I should have. Comes from spending too much time with the character; I forget what isn’t obvious.
As you rightly guessed, Set is the CEO. For the quick answer as to how game design submissions work the answer is, it depends. Nearly all companies design exclusively in-house, a few outsource to consultants and a very rare few (including the one I worked for) accept transom submissions. They pay peanuts.
The character stuff, and the stuff I need to work into the text somehow, is that Set doesn’t know how other companies handle things because Set doesn’t care. He’s the Lord of Chaos. He does things his own way. The next bit has him sniffing the submissions to see which ones smell interesting.
You’re right, if this is the your first time encountering the character (and being the beginning of the story it has to be) then this stuff is far from obvious. I need to review it to see how I can fix it up without upping the word count too much. I’m sure I can tighten the language and not lose much.
Thank you.
-Ivy
Ivy,
Well, I have to say I’m engaged straight off. I’ve always liked the schtick of ancient gods in modern settings, and Set not only as the CEO of a game company, but such an affable one as well, promises some good fun. Telling a story from the standpoint of the villain is always entertaining, and just the idea of Set referring to Nepthys as “the ex” makes me smile (not that you’ve gotten there, but I would not be surprised or displeased if it happens).
There are bits and bobs that could probably be polished, but the main point of the exercise, engaging the reader, you’ve done and then some. I’m wanting the next page.
I thought this was a good opening, in need of only minor tightening up to make a few details more clear. A couple of suggestions:
- I agree with Debbie, I’m not sure that you need the “Ancient” — although it depends on how you’re playing it in this story. He seems to still think of himself as an Egyptian God, at any rate.
- You have Set ask “when you’re an Ancient Egyptian god, why hide it?” as a rhetorical question, but unless this is a very light story or a very different world than our own, it’s actually a very valid question that I’ll want an answer to. If you’re not going to answer it up front, then you may want to delay asking it.
- It was a little unclear to me whether the teen was an employee of Set’s company, or of a delivery company.
- I confess, I had to look up “transom” — not being from the game publishing world, I had never seen it used that way before. That may be the case for other readers, too.
Hope this helps!
Wow! Thank you so much for the helpful and kind feedback. “Ancient” is gone. I’m all for saving a word and it’s true that he thinks of himself as a current, relevant, deity. Pending overwhelming or editorial objection, “Transom” stays. I have no problem with sending a reader to a dictionary once in a rare while.
Matt, this is a very light story. Set’s a total goof. Would it work for you if I left the “why hide it?” question hanging a little while? It will be answered, but not right away. Would it help if I changed “He probably thought someone was playing a joke on the new guy” to “He probably thought someone was playing a joke on the new hire”? He works for Mischief and Mayhem in the mailroom.
Kevin, will you dislike it if I say that Set’s kind of the good guy in this story? He’s arrogent and impossible and he harasses this psychic he likes, but he’s going to beat up Apep on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. The mythology is hard with him. He was the patron of Lower Egypt before Narmer, from Upper Egypt, unified the country. So he’s the good guy in some legends (those surrounded Apep primarily) and a bad guy in others (those centered on Horus mostly). I decided to play around with the more positive legends for a change. Would that be so out of keeping with the modern view of Set as to make the story fail?
Ivy,
No, I think it’s just fine. No one’s a villain in their own mind, and as I see it, from Set’s perspective, the whole business with Nepthys, Isis and Osiris is his past history with the ex, her sister, and his former brother-in-law where perhaps he got a tad carried away, but hell, he’s a god isn’t he? He got better. Set’s probably partially annoyed that the ex got custody of Anubis, and partially relieved because his son grew up to be a creepy goth and whatever else Set gets blamed for, he’s not responsible for THAT.
Which is a long way of saying that I like it and enjoy it.
I’d go with “guy” over “hire,” as it’s more what folk in an office would say, especially an informal one where Set is not hiding behind a receptionist.
Ivy, I meant that most of the background in the first paragraph could’ve been worked in later in the opening, after Set responded to the questioner.
Seaboe
Ivy,
I love the voice, I love the setup, especially having Set the CEO of a game company. Good crisp writing, excellent pacing, too. I would definitely keep reading.
Very minor quibbles:
The end of the first paragraph could be tweaked for clarity and streamlining. Something along the lines of “trying to get him in trouble with the CEO. No one ever expects an Egyptian god.” (And this is just me diddling with the wording to give you an idea of what I meant.)
The fifth paragraph looks as though it had some formatting problems. “He looked bewildered” should start a new paragraph, I believe, and after “armloads of manila envelopes” my browser showed some funky characters. I’m guessing there’s a word such as “marked” or “labeled” in there, no?
My only other complaint is that I want to read the rest of this now!
It was clear that he was a new hire, just a little ambiguous to me as to whether he was a new hire at Set’s company or a new hire at the postal service or a delivery company like FedEx. It was in fact the “I have a delivery for you” line that caused my confusion, I think…if it was something like “I have your mail” it would be clearer that this was not someone making a delivery, rather just a kid from the mail room.
I’m not the best judge of light stories so I think just go with your gut on the “why hide it” question, unless anyone else comments on it. I don’t read enough light short stories to know what is allowable, what readers expect. If he asks that question rhetorically, and then runs into trouble later because he didn’t hide it, then I as a reader may feel a bit cheated because I wondered about it right from the start. But it really depends on where you’re going with the story and how well you justify his not hiding it later on.
I do think it’s quite excellent that you’re going for an alternate yet historically accurate depiction of Set. I like it when stories challenge modern monolithic views of ancient myths. Be sure and let us know when the story finds a home!
Ivy, just to let you know: If it was clearer that Set was the CEO and that he didn’t care how other people ran game companies, then I wouldn’t question the transom submissions or the later sniffing of submissions. I wasn’t absolutely sure what transom submissions were, either. However, if it’s clear in further context, I don’t think it would be a problem. Good luck with this story.
I was intrigued from the first graph.
Little stuff? “Lord? . . . Set?” Since he made each word a question, why not two question marks so we can hear it?
‘I arched an eyebrow’ –this has become as cliche as ‘A shiver traveled/slithered/crawled/trickled up my spine.’ Especially in first person. Is there another way to really indicate character, because that stamps stereotype on it for me, smearing out individuality.
Finally, handle ‘this’–this what? An ajective used as a noun can also smear reader understanding at the gitgo.
But again, I really liked this opening.
This is interesting! I enjoy new explorations of Egyptian gods, and Set has tended to get a bum rap. (His place in the Egyptian pantheon and cosmology is interesting and complex.)
One thing you might consider clarifying at some point (and perhaps you do): because Set so seldom appears in a completely anthropomorphic form in the ancient art, you might want to clarify for the semi-knowing reader whether or not he appears human. Most people will (I think?) expect that “Set-animal” head.
Not that I disagree with Wenamun, but I don’t think that is a problem in this story. The teenager would hardly be asking,“Lord…Set?†(explained by the following “get him in trouble with the CEO” line) if the dude in the chair looked like anything but a normal human.
Well, what I mean is that some readers are going to simply expect Set to have the big snout and ears. I myself was a bit confused (when I first read it) about what the “joke” might have been, knowing immediately it might have been that the fellow looked odd (perhaps wearing a mask), especially after the remark about why bother to hide that one is an Egyptian god.
The suspected joke is the name, it seems, but to get that across better, perhaps he could say something like, “Mister — I mean — Lord… Set?”