Critique #139 — Adam Colston #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy June 20th, 2007
“You must know why this is forbidden, Amja,” the old man had hesitated, the scroll still in his hand.
“I know.” Amja had said, nodding, “but there is no other way. I must avenge them.”
The old man had looked at him for moment with milky eyes.
“Take it, then,” he had spat on the ground and made the sign, “You will need courage beyond anything you have experienced.”
Amja had taken the scroll with the sacred words. He had performed all the rituals and had travelled to the wilds.
He sat on an outcrop of rock and watched the crimson sun drift down to touch the distant savannah. For a moment he felt peace within him.
The roar of the lions cut through his thoughts. The cool evening breeze now blew his scent towards the pride.
It is time, he thought and picked up the bloated skin from the rock beside him and undid the fastening. Gases spluttered out and the metallic smell of zebra blood filled the air.
Let me remember my name, Amya thought in the ancient tongue, let me never forget. I must persist.
He raised the skin above his head and poured the thick, clotted blood over his head and body.
He heard a sound behind him, a stealthy movement, and a sudden, deep vibration that seemed to penetrate his body.
He slowly lowered the skin.
They are here already, he thought and he felt a hot blast of breath on his neck.
Let me remember my name, let me never forget. I must persist. I am Amya.
Start here–
–and cut everything before that line. You really don’t want to begin a story in a flashback. We can find out later why he’s doing this. But we don’t need to know that now. Without that flashback, you’ve got a beautiful, intriguing, riveting, strong beginning that stands perfectly well on its own. Would I keep reading? You bet.
Should be
“You must know why this is forbidden, Amja.†The old man had hesitated, the scroll still in his hand.
“I know,†Amja had said, nodding. “But there is no other way. I must avenge them.â€
I agree with Beth. Don’t start with the flashback.
Overall it felt like it was trying to hard. “Let me remember my name”. Without knowing why he’s likely to forget, it just reads as corny.
Just as a personal preference, I don’t like stories that flaunt the fantasy element. “The elf effused a deap and abiding mystery, that spoke of ages lost and things unseeable to eyes that had not lived across millenia.” I’d much rather a story that, in the context of the story world, takes the fantasy element for granted. “Bill hung up the phone in disgust. What idiot in management thought elves, immortal freakin elves, would be the least bit interested in life insurance?”
Hi Beth,
Thanks for your comments.
I agree that the flashback is not needed. I wrote a version without it, but was unsure which to post.
My previous post seemed to generate queries about what the protagonist’s motives were, so I tried to make them clear in this.
I am pleased with your comments regarding the latter sections.
Adam
Hi Ivy,
Thanks for reading the intro. Although I have the story in my head the only written part are these lines!
The bit which goes ‘remember my name..’ is thought by Amja in the ancient tongue and I felt it qualified as a sort of incantation, but I wanted it to be simple too — in keeping with his tribal background.
The reason he has to remember his name is that he is allowing himself to be eaten by the lions. He needs to retain his sense of self through the process in order to be able to become a were-lion — and exact the revenge on some no-good people.
Now, to critique your two openings:
1. I liked, but was a little overdone! Therefore, completely dissimilar to mine.
2. A good voice, but not my thing! I guess I am very traditional in my fantasy!
I appreciate that you may enjoy a different thing. As for trying too hard, yes, guilty as charged. I was trying hard to get it right!
I will see what others have to say….
Thanks
Adam
Beth,
I checked out your blog. It was very interesting! You write like I do. I mean the process, not skill-level!
I guess you would call the flash-back intro on this piece a ‘gangplank’?
Adam
I can see where you’re coming from. Your description of the story sounds really good. I didn’t get most of that from the intro. I thought he was hunting the lions.
I knew he was out for revenge, but without knowing what wrong had been done to him, I can’t judge if I want him to succeed or fail. “Not even the cost of his own humanity would stop Anja from exacting revenge on the monsters who raped and killed his wife and four year old daughter” is very different from “They may have mocked Anja and driven him from his tribe, but they didn’t know who they were reckoning with.” A Cask of Amontillado is a great story of revenge largely because the perceived wrong (insult) doesn’t merit the vengeance enacted (murder).
I guess what I want is the relevant details. At the very least I want to know that he’s planning on getting eaten and that this is going to transform him somehow. Instead of having him say the bit about remembering his name twice, how about a line about him being scared of being devoured, or one about him being uncertain of what becoming a were-lion is going to mean? At least put the word “were-lion” in there somewhere.
Hi Ivy,
I guess I wanted readers to think he was hunting the lions (it’s the most likely scenario), but then be taken on the journey of his change to a were-lion. Not a surprise exactly, more like getting on roller-coaster and seeing the drop. The journey would be through his pain, a brief moment of floating before controlling the lion’s body. I wanted it revealed as it happened, rather than warning the reader what was going to happen. The situation itself — him covered in blood and the
approaching lions — I assumed, would be enough to retain readership until the process explains itself.
Perhaps I am wrong.
I have not read ‘A Cask of Amontillado’ but will try to do so!
As for his reason for revenge, it is the death of his family at the hand of slavers. I would think he’s a right to be angry!
You haven’t said if you would turn the page! Would you?
Adam
Adam,
To insert another perspective into your discussion with Ivy…fwiw, I would rather see the story simply unfold rather than have a lot of explanations sandwiched in. What’s happening is intriguing and intense enough that I don’t need to know the whys and wherefores. In fact, that would spoil the suspense of seeing this play out. If I know in advance he’s planning on getting eaten and becoming a werelion, then all sense of surprise and shock when that happens is taken away. It would kill the tension. Resist the urge to explain.
And yes–I think the flashback might be considered a gangplank.
Thanks for stopping by the blog.
Ditto Beth and Ivy about getting rid of the flashback (though you’ve already agreed to get rid of it :p).
I got that the ‘let me remember my name’ bit was some kind’ve chant or incantation, but it did occur to me that lions are hardly likely to walk up to a blood-drenched prey and wait, much less breathe on them. Pouncing and eating is more what I’d expect from a lion. If something about the magic is making them not-horribly-kill-and-dismember, maybe a little hint to that effect somewhere would help. Also, can you smell blood? I mean, obviously lions and other animals can, but I certainly can’t. And I don’t think I’ve ever ecountered a metallic SMELL. Taste yes, but smell? Not so much.
I thought there was some really nice description in the begining (crimson sun touching the Savannah, etc), and I’d definitely read on.
I think Ivy and Beth have pretty much covered everything else :).
Beth,
Thanks for agreeing with me (always appreciated!) with regard the unfolding tension of what is actually happening. It seemed a waste to explain it, from my perspective, although I realize now that we all seek different things from each story.
Thanks again.
Adam
Daniel,
I take your point regarding the lions and the blood-drenched prey. In my expert opinion (from my many hours watching Discovery!) I was always struck by the way predators would circle wounded or dead prey (if they just came across it) to assess the lay of the land. I assumed a lion would assess before attacking, obviously they wouldn’t wait hours but a quick look I thought was feasible. In the story, the next thing that happens is he gets batted to the ground by a huge paw and killed.
Regarding blood, well, I worked in a operating theater in Norway for a couple of years. Surgeons use suction devices to remove blood that was obscuring their view or was leaking into body cavities. I had to empty these bottles which had stood at room temperature for sometimes as long as 4-6 hours. I can promise you it had a definite charm by then. A definite old blood smell, curiously different from meat. As far as metallic reference goes I guess the smell triggers memories of the taste for me….not that I drank any of it. Thats a different story.
That was my reasoning, but looking at your comments again I feel uncertain of it’s use as an adjective. Any thoughts anyone?
Thanks for reading, Daniel :).
Adam
Question: Is the switch from Amja to Amya intentional? Names being so critical, I’m guessing he changed his after starting the path of magic. I don’t know if I’d turn the page. It would depend on my mood. If I understood what the PoV character was up to I would most definitely turn the page.
I’m not fond of the bait and switch plan. Amya is the eyes we’re watching the story through. We should have all the salient information he has.
So far, just looking at the prose, I see some guy has it in his head to get even for something that was done to him justifiably or no. He took a scroll that was supposed to be bad news and now he’s off hunting lions for no discernable reason.
Cask is by Poe. You must read it, one because it’s a walkthrough of how to create suspense in fiction and two because it’s one of those stories that makes a reader grateful for the english language.
http://www.poenightmares.com/Cask.htm It’s available online.
Lol, fair enough about the blood - my experience with it is pretty much limited to ‘OW, paper-cut!!’
As for the lions, I think you’re right that they do circle their prey and get really close, and then take their moment etc (*has very little knowledge on lions :p*), but the way you’ve, written it, it seemed to me as if the lion had just walked right up to Amaya and stood there being menacing.
And re: Ivy’s comment, I hadn’t noticed the change in the name, but now that I do it sticks out - is it deliberate?
erm, minus the random comma after ‘you’ve’.
Ivy,
If the flashback is deleted (and I gather that Adam is considering doing that), then we actually won’t know about the scroll and the vengeance, so there’ll be no disconnect. What we have then is a guy sitting on a rock watching a pride of lions. It quickly becomes apparent that he is there to perform some ritual that’s very dangerous and very important to him. And just because he’s the POV character doesn’t mean the reader has to be privy to everything he knows or remembers. We’re getting this scene “live,” as it were, with no background. He’s not stopping to explain it to us, or even to himself; he’s focused on what he’s doing right then and there, and I think it’s the stronger for that.
Adam, the “metallic” adjective might need changing if old blood doesn’t smell metallic. Just what does it smell like?
Adam,
In order:
1. Unless there’s a particularly good reason, don’t make up male fantasy names that end in A. Even if you’re doing non-European fantasy as you are here, the European convention lurks at the back of the reader’s mind and it annoys them if what they took to be a signal of one sex turns out to be a false one. I didn’t know that “Amja” was male until the third paragraph.
2. Don’t start a story with an “As you know, Bob” scenario. It bores.
3. Don’t use a said-bookism in the first line. I might use “hesitated” as a speech tag if I really needed to, but not in the first line. It draws too much attention to itself.
Beyond that, what Beth noted with the “Your Story Starts Here” comment at the outcropping of rock.
As for the goatskin of zebra blood, call it a goatskin rather than “bloated skin,” both because it adds more color and because it makes him look like an inept hunter to have it laying out in the sun getting ready to pop at worst or at least leak, which is messy.
As for the “gasses,” that also makes him look incompetent. If you have a wineskin or a skin bottle of anything, it’s a simple matter to bleed off the air so that all you have left is an airless shrunken skin. This would be especially important in the case of blood, which would clot if you were so silly as to leave air in the skin. Ever notice any air in the bloodbags from the Red Cross? That’s why–air makes blood spoil.
Admittedly you do note that the blood’s clotted when he pours it over himself, but it makes for a gloppy ritual. Let’s see him not just brave but semi-competent.
I’d probably go on, but stuff like this really annoys me.
Hi All,
I have revised the intro based on the comments. Kevin, I left in the one rference to the clotted blood but removed the other bits you didn’t like. I thought it would clot to some degree due to the fact it wasn’t refrigerated. THanks for your other helpful comments. I am sure I will have made a whole new set of mistakes — still that’s why I am here:).
The name change in the original was a mistake. Well spotted.
Anyway, here it is:
Kamu sat on the rocky outcrop and watched the crimson sun drift down to touch the distant savannah. For a moment he felt peace within himself, but then the thoughts started; images of great jaws grinding his still-living bones.
You must bear the pain of it, Kamu repeated to himself for the thousandth time, and you must feel no fear or your ka will leave as your body dies.
The roar of the lions cut through his thoughts. The cool evening breeze now blew his scent towards the pride.
It is time, he thought. He picked up the goatskin from the rock beside him and undid the fastening; the smell of the zebra blood wafted out. He lifted the skin above his head and poured the thick, clotting blood over his head and body. He took the small leather bag from his waist band and removed some carved stones. He carefully placed these on the rock around him, in a circle, while whispering the ancient words.
A stealthy sound made him turn to face the clearing behind.
A large lion with a big, dark mane moved out the dark shadows. It glanced about and sniffed the air. Its amber eyes turned to look at Kamu. Then it suddenly it dropped its head low to the ground, and roared; its ears held flat and its huge teeth bared.
The blast of stinking air hit Kamu.
Yes, Kamu thought, we shall consume each other. Then they will pay for what they have done.
The lion leapt for his throat.
More explanation than I like, but see what others say. Maybe if you just drop this:
Here:
You’ve repeated “dark.” And shadows are always dark, no?
Likewise, thick and clotting is somewhat redundant.
You said you’ve smelled old blood before, didn’t you? This would feel more visceral if you could communicate something about that smell.
No semi-colon here:
Use a comma, an em-dash, or even a colon.
And again here:
You need a comma after roared. A semi-colon is used to join two independent but related clauses. It can also be used to separate multi-clausal items in a list. It is not a substitute for an em-dash, comma, or colon.
Also, I don’t think “suddenly” is needed in the above sentence.
How does it stink? Like carrion maybe? (Lions are often scavengers.) And try to avoid commonplace descriptions like “large lion” and “big, dark mane.” The more you use specific, unusual, or original details, the fresher and more compelling your writing will be.
How does he manage to overcome his fear? Perhaps a sentence or two showing him working at that.
And finally, just a passing thought: Lionesses are the hunters. That’s not to say a male lion wouldn’t attack and kill something if it was hungry or provoked, and this could be a bachelor male on the outskirts of the pride, with no lioness to hunt for him. But wouldn’t it be interesting if Kamu became a were-lioness….
Like I said, just a passing thought. [g]
Better. Much, much better.
Is this Egyptian? The reference to the Ka twigged me to that. So laying things in a circle as a protective symbol fits. Anything to do with lions falls under Tefnut’s domain, right? That works really well. She’s a goddess of water and fertility and he’s, in effect, being reborn.
In any case, I like this version a whole lot better.
Not bad, but a few things:
‘A stealthy sound’ - the whole point of something being ’steathly’ is that you don’t notice it, so it’s not really a stealthy sound if he hears it. That, and it just sound odd to me, lol.
Ditto Beth on dark-dark.
Again, you need to be sure of the hunting-practises of lions. For a start, as Beth said, the male lions don’t do the hunting. I’m fairly sure that even if they’re on the outskirts of a pride (trying to ingratiate themselves), they eat the leftovers, so that’s out. Secondly, I doubt that the [female] lions who do hunt will roar at their prey - they’re used to hunting gazelles and such, things that bolt at the slightest sound. I have a friend who actually works with them, so I’ll check all that, but I’m sure I’m right.
There’s something about the new version that I’m not fond of, and I can’t put my finger on it I’m afraid. I’ll comment if I think of something more useful, lol.
Hi All,
Beth S.
Thanks for your input. I tried the re-write to see if it worked better. I think some elements did but others suffered. I am not happy with the thought starting “you must bear the pain of it..”, but I included it because it gave a hint of what was happening.
Yeah…bad grammar — sorry!
Ivy
Yeah, I have just (april) come back from Egypt, but this was not meant to be full-on Egyptian lore but peripheral.
Daniel
Stealthy sound–you’re right! And the dark-dark, I didn’t notice! To quick with the re-write!
As far as the male goes, well I assumed the magic drew a male to him. I checked YOU tube and found some video of lions roaring and charging…if they see a human as potentially a threat they may roar before killing them…no? I am open to suggestions, and obviously the roar is something I like!
Adam
Adam,
Twigged on the same things Ivy did. “Ka” likewise made me wonder what Egyptian metaphysics were doing in what otherwise looked like sub-saharan Africa.
As for “Kamu,” I’ll have to admit that I’ve written an African story myself where the protaganist was named “Karu” except she’s female, since “Karu” is one of the ten most popular San names for girls from southern Africa. Kamu? I’ll have to admit it sounds to me like Karu crossed with Shamu, the whale. Admittedly I haven’t looked up Amja or Kamu in any African naming lists to see if they actually exist, but I’d check.
Otherwise, this is reading quite interestingly now and I’d certainly turn the page.
Kevin,
I have to admit, as you suspect, that Kamu was plucked from thin air. I tried a variety of sounds and settled on that one!
The ka relates to information he obtained from the old man he got the scroll off. Obviously, it wasn’t mentioned in this version.
Maybe I should try writing the rest of the story, lol.
Thanks for everyones help!
Adam
I twigged to Kamu, but I thought it was an intentional (and really clever) play. Kamu is the name of an ancient tongue.
I don’t think I can post a link but Google “Kamu Australia language” and you’ll see.
Ivy,
I ain’t that smart!
Adam
I have not answered the question of how old blood smells. I worked in the operating theater in the mid-eighties, so it was while ago.
It isn’t metallic.
One operation where they used a cauterizing tool would result in liters of watery (from irrigation) blood that stunk so bad it would make you want to vomit.
Standard blood just whiffed — like a concentrated butchers shop.
Not much help.
OK–so if blood smells like fresh meat, old blood would smell like rotten meat, maybe? I know that steaks starting to turn bad get a sickly sweetish smell to them before they get really bad. Is it like that? Anyway, seems like you you could probably evoke something like that in the description in your opening.
OK–so if blood smells like fresh meat, old blood would smell like rotten meat, maybe? I know that steaks starting to turn bad get a sickly sweetish smell to them before they get really bad. Is it like that? Anyway, seems like you could probably evoke something like that in the description in your opening.
No idea why that posted twice.
I think blood has a stronger smell than flesh. I would imagine that it is because it is a fluid and liable to spoil quicker.
I think you are right. I just remember gagging when I used to smell it. Breath through your mouth, they always said.
Adam
That conveys a lot more than the description in the story, actually. The gag reflex and needing to breathe through the mouth. I’d include that. It’s very visceral.
Ivy,
I did, but I took it out. I thought it would look strange if he gagged at the smell of the blood minutes before he lets lions eat him.
You think it would be better in?
Adam
Maybe the idea that he was overwhelmed by the stench, that he swallowed his own bile, and that he had to breathe through his mouth to mitigate it. Some kind of reaction to how strong it is.
Gagging might be a bit much. He’s a hunter. Surely he’s used to the smell of blood and viscera, fresh and not-fresh. It’s not going to faze him, though he may still find it unpleasant. So like Ivy suggested, you say something about rank, throat-closing stench, maybe something about needing to breathe through the mouth, and move on.
Okay, I will include a reference to its stench.
Thanks
Adam
Dear Adam,
With all due respect to my fellow critiquers I feel that many of our colleagues are over thinking here. The question is ‘Would I continue to read if i were the editor. Probably not BUT only a minor adjustment is needed. I do not regard the opening lines as a ‘Flashback’. It is written in real time as I read it. This is where the changes I feel need to be made.
>He had performed all the rituals and had travelled to the wilds.
You can cut this. It is redundant in my opinion. I would also change “He sat on the outcrop of rocks” to “He waited on the outcrop of rocks” That is what he is doing after all. A little more descriptive as well.
Then I would add a line at the end.
>Let me remember my name, let me never forget. I must persist. I am Amya.
Write something like this to it…
He felt the weight of the beast on his back, its claws digging into his side and its teeth sinking into his neck.
That leaves a vivid imagine that is hard to shake. The type of attention getting exclamation point that I prefer. That’s what I would prefer as an Editor, take it or leave it.
Frank
Hi Frank,
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I notice that you are commenting on the original version — I revised it in one of my comments — you may want to take a look a the new version.
I agree, he was waiting as well as sitting on the outcrop of rock.
The new version ends with the lion roaring and leaping which, I felt, qualified as vivid image to end the intro on.
Perhaps you would turn the page if you read the newer version? Lol, if you have the time a comment would be cool.
Thanks
Adam
Dear Adam,
My apologies. I scanned right over it. The second one is better. I think it will do.