Critique #14 — Larry Hammer #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy June 30th, 2006
Girl-Fight on Helicon
A rhyming rumble in the gym. At stake:
The Cheerleading Championship of all Greece.
Pieria Academy had come to take
The challengers on their home court down a piece.
Not Atalanta’s balls, not Golden Fleece,
Not wife-swapping in Troy would beat this brawl.
‘Twas almost bigger than school basketball.
Though Helicon College had done well that year,
Our own Pierides were picked to win again.
We had the talent, looks, support, and gear–
For the Academy, just across the plain
From Mount Olympus, could afford to train
With godlike pros, producing a collection
Of nymphs polished and coached to cheer perfection.
Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Though I suppose I can weigh in on my own thing. One problem seeing the beginning detatched highlights is that the first person narrator is so nearly absent you can’t tell there is one. Instead of “Our own Pierides” (st 2.2) make it “Us Pierides,” and in 2.4, make it “For out Academy … ” Or better yet, recast the clause to make it “we could afford.”
—L.
Larry,
I’d love to comment, but I’m not a poet, so I have no idea what to say about this. Are there any reactions that you would like from a prose reader?
Does it work as the start of a story, really. Since it’s trying to be just that, a short story in verse.
—L.
I can read it and understand what is going on, if that is any help. It is the beginning of a story about a cheer-leading championship in Ancient Greece. As I read it through, there were two points where I became confused, and both of those are probably due to reader (me) error.
I was confused by the following lines
It took me while to work out what was going on here. The sentence isn’t put together in the same way as other sentences I read, so it took me a while to work out what it was saying. This is probably because, as I said earlier, I am not a poet, and so I’m not used to reading sentences that are twisted around like this.
The other phrase that threw me was
I’m still not sure if ‘pros’ is a made-up god, or if you are using a shortened form of the word ‘professionals’. I incline towards the latter, but I am not certain about this. This is probably due to my personal quirks (linking the ‘god-like’ with ‘Mount Olympus’)and not your verse.
I found the idea of a cheer-leading competition in Ancient Greece incongruous and therefore humorous. I hope this is the effect you wanted to produce.
I’m not sure what else to say. Does this help at all?
Hi Larry,
I was lying in bed last night and realised that I had forgotten to tell you that I really like the fact that your verse rhymes. I apologise for leaving this out. I am not a fan of free verse, and for me, one of the best things about the form of your verse story was the fact that it had a structure and a distinct rhyming scheme. It was lovely to see new verse with those characteristics.
Rosamunda
Helps muchly — thanks. And you’re right that the slightly bent syntax of “take the challengers on their home court” is out of keeping with the rest. Must think about that.
Yes, short for professionals. And if it isn’t clear yet, yes, the Helicon cheerleaders are the Muses.
—L.
And thanks for the thumbs up for formalism. Always nice to hear.
—L.