Critique #144 — Ivy Reisner #3
Kevin Andrew Murphy June 28th, 2007
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have never
had a prior confession. I have defied the Almighty to
His face, directly. I have committed murder and I
have condemned a young man’s soul to Hell.
Let me start at the beginning. When Lucifer asked
who would follow him in an uprising, I was one of the
first to volunteer. I practically jumped at the
chance. You see, amongst the angels, I was nothing.
Zero. Zilch. Nada. I have practically no power.
I’m not smart. I’m not strong. I didn’t get some
great task like “Rotzael, Go lead the Israelites
through the desert” or “Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not
to lay a hand on Isaac”. Staying there, the best I
would get would be “Rotzael, Go make sure that
televangelist’s toupee doesn’t fall off in the middle
of the show.”
Lucifer promised me that I could be someone special.
He promised me potential. Do you know what it’s like
to be condemned to be nobody for all eternity? To be
a perpetual failure while great beings around you
grabbed all the glory? Maybe I was fooling myself.
Maybe I was blind, but I thought, with Lucifer things
would be different.
Oh good. It’s up. I have to say I’m really not certain about this story at all and I’m worried that telegraphing the end at the beginning is killing it.
Hey Ivy :).
Ooo, I like this. No real problems prose-wise, but there are a couple of things.
‘be a perpetual failure while great beings around you grabbed all the glory?’ - ‘grabbed’ should be ‘grab’.
‘but I thought, with Lucifer things would be different’ - I’d either change this to ‘but I thought things with Lucifer would be different’, or put a comma after ‘Lucifer’.
Also, the opening paragraph - it’s probably just me that got this impression, but I thought it was a flashback when I first read it (of him being in the confessional [or whatever it's called], and then turning to the reader and saying ‘Let me start at the beginning’). Is he talking to the priest (? It’s not a vicar, is it *knows nothing about this sort’ve thing*) throughout?
I knew I’d be turning the page when I read ‘I have defied the Almighty to His face, directly’ - nice hook.
The one thing I will say is be careful with a self-pitying protagonist - Rotzael could get whiny and tedious.
Hope this helped
Ah, that explains it. I don’t think it’s killing it, but as I was reading it, I wanted to see that first paragraph in italics or something (does that sound tacky?). I think the opening would be weaker without that first paragraph, personally.
Hi Ivy,
I would definitely turn the page and I love the way it ends like some woman talking about a failed relationship with a man. Great stuff!
I do have a few issues, though.
I am not entirely sure about the first section. Can’t put my finger on why. Just when I re-read it I seem to want to ignore it.
The other issue is with the second block of text. It feels very monolithic. Perhaps I am wrong but I would break it into smaller chunks e.g.
Let me start at the beginning.
When Lucifer asked
who would follow him in an uprising, I was one of the
first to volunteer. I practically jumped at the
chance.
You see, amongst the angels, I was nothing.
Zero. Zilch. Nada. I have practically no power.
I’m not smart. I’m not strong. I didn’t get some
great task like “Rotzael, Go lead the Israelites
through the desert†or “Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not
to lay a hand on Isaacâ€.
Staying there, the best I
would get would be “Rotzael, Go make sure that
televangelist’s toupee doesn’t fall off in the middle
of the show.â€
It seems more natural to do that for me. Perhaps I am wrong and others will feel that as it is fine as a larger paragraph, which it also is.
As far as telegraphing the end at the beginning goes, we are only reviewing the beginning and it works just fine here.
Still, it was great. I enjoyed it.
Adam
Needs the comma.
To me, the beginning paragraph was the hook. Without it, all we have is a whiny fallen angel, and I’m not interested in that.
Personally, I can see Lucifer convincing Rotzael that he was a nobody with God but will be special with him. I have a hard time accepting that God somehow made Rotzael feel like a ‘Zero. Zilch. Nada.” instead of that each job, no matter how small, was important. That’s probably just me, though.
One of the great advantages of coming late to the party is that everyone does all the work in advance so all I have to say is, “What they said.”
I would put the opening paragraph in italics. And add the comma Debbie suggested, because it sets off that final killer (ha) phrase like a jewel.
Otherwise, yes, I’d keep reading, with one caveat. The story needs to start moving in the very next paragraph. This is a static opening and the only reason it works is because of the hook in the first paragraph, the voice, and the subject matter. OK, that’s three reasons, but now it’s time to hoist sail and head to open sea.
Coming in even later…
I like the voice in this piece, and I love the dark edge of despair in the introductory paragraph. Yes, definitely, I would read on. My only quibbles are at the nit-picky word level, little glitches and such that kept the prose and pacing slightly off-kilter for me.
I was one of the first to volunteer. I practically jumped at the chance.
These two sentences say the same thing to me. Consider cutting one.
Zero. Zilch. Nada. I have practically no power. I’m not smart. I’m not strong.
Okay, while I like the voice, I wanted to smack our friend and tell him all right, already, I get the idea. Get on with the story. You want to keep enough to retain the distinctive storytelling voice, but you might consider trimming just a bit so the reader doesn’t lose sympathy for the protagonist.
The third paragraph is the key, I think. We have the lovely terrible foreboding in the first paragraph. We have Rotzael trying to justify his actions in the second paragraph. The third paragraph has to hook us as deeply as Lucifer hooked Rotzael, then launch us into the story. What’s here is good, but I think some tweaking and rearranging might make it sharper. What if you tried something like…
…where Rotzael goes from complaining to showing anger and despair because he sees no way out for all eternity. So when Lucifer hooks him with that tempting promise, we can understand why better, and we wince in sympathy when Rotzael adds that “maybe I was blind.” Maybe he was, but now we have to keep reading to find out what terrible thing happened, and why Rotzael is now making his confession.
(Or at least, that’s my take. IMOO. YMMV. etc.)
Thank you for the feedback.
Beth, you’re right. It needs to be trimmed some. Actually, I think I might be able to cut the whole word count on this just a little by tightening throughout.
Adam, you’re right about the whitespace. It’s way too dense.
Hi,
Perhaps someone could explain the punctuation rule here. I have just noticed it seems strange.
You have written it as though it is like direct speech, yet not punctuated it so.
Why isn’t it either:
I didn’t get some
great task like, “Rotzael, Go lead the Israelites
through the desert,†or, “Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not
to lay a hand on Isaac.â€
or:
I didn’t get some
great task like ‘Rotzael, Go lead the Israelites
through the desert’ or ‘Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not
to lay a hand on Isaac’.
I am only asking because if I had written this section I would have naturally, and probably wrongly, punctuated it as one of the above. The most likely outcome would have been that I would have structured it differently to avoid punctuating something I had no clue about!
So I am seeking illumination.
Anyone got a torch?
Adam
Adam, I would have punctuated it like your second example:
I didn’t get some great task like ‘Rotzael, Go lead the Israelites through the desert’ or ‘Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not to lay a hand on Isaac.’
I would do that rather than the first because the commands where never actually said, so it’s not actually a quote. I think either would be acceptable, though.
Ivy’s sentence is clear even without that punctuation. Since it’s ‘thought talk’ (and talk is sometimes delibrately not punctuated right) and clear in context, I had decided not to comment on it until now.
Ivy, it just occurred to me: the angel’s Fall came before the above events. Shouldn’t it be, “I’d never get some great task like…”
Good catch, Debbie. Thanks!
I’m still not familiar with all the punctuation rules concerning single and double quotes. Help please.
Hi Debbie,
I have just noted a difference between my punctuation example and yours.
Yours:
‘Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not to lay a hand on Isaac.’
Mine:
‘Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not to lay a hand on Isaac’.
The full-stop (period) is in a different place. Presumably you have changed because it should always go within quotation marks?
Adam
I know that I shouldn’t be critiquing, since I am by no means a great writer, but for what it’s worth, I will give you my two cents.
First off, I agree with cutting down on the redundant sentences. When I first read it, I liked it, but now I can see how you might lose the reader’s sympathy towards the main character.
Second, I really enjoyed the first paragraph, and feel that it would be a mistake to cut it out. Instead you might want to consider tweaking the beginning of the second paragraph. Personally, I am not crazy about the sentence:
It’s been highly overused, and not only that, but it stops the fluidity of the story. Perhaps you could replace it with:
I was once a divine member of the kingdom of Heaven…etc.
or
I was a divine member of the kingdom of Heaven before I fell from grace…etc.
Something to that extent.
I agree with Debbie W. when she said God wouldn’t make Rotzael feel worthless. If you wanted to, you could instead attribute Rotzael’s rebellion to a desire for power, leadership, respect…etc. Or to jealousy or hatred. Or maybe, he didn’t know that what he was doing was wrong, or at least he didn’t consider what he was doing to be that bad. Just something to consider.
Hi,
I don’t think it is God making Rotzael feel worthless in this piece.
If you are sitting, basking in the love of God for millennia and then, well, begin to feel slightly dissatisfied with the whole basking business, it is precisely because Lucifer has already penetrated your mind.
The overt offer of power by Lucifer would have only occurred because the covert work had been completed, the angel was merely unaware of it.
I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with the motivations around the fall.
Adam
After reading the entry again, I now agree with Adam;God wasn’t directly making him feel bad. Rotzael only felt bad when compared amongst the other angels.
I didn’t really mean to say that I thought that God was making Rotzael feel bad. Let’s see if I can figure out the nuances that I’m referring to. This is written by Rotzael after he realized he was deceived by Lucifer, so he would be able to attribute his dissatisfaction to either himself (wanting more) or Lucifer (you’re nothing here, I’ll make you special). I would accept that he realized he would only get the small jobs and no name-recognition in the human realm from the start, but an unfallen angel would be okay with that because he knew that all jobs are very important to God. The way it’s written now, his feeling of worthlessness seems to come before Lucifer’s direct influence, but, in the third paragraph, this believe about himself seems tied to Lucifer.
If the second two paragraphs were modified like this, then I wouldn’t have a problem with them.
Adam, you will note that Ivy had the period inside the quotes in the very next sentence. Let me pull out my huge grammar book and see what the rules are for single and double quotes. Okay, according to “The Little, Brown Handbook”:
The only use of single quotes that they seem to recognize is within double quotes. So, Ivy, you used the ” ” correctly. The period ought to be inside the quotation mark, though. According to the same book, there ought to be a comma included. So:
I didn’t get some great task like “Rotzael, Go lead the Israelites through the desert,†or “Rotzael, Go tell Abraham not to lay a hand on Isaac.â€
Thank you, Debbie. Is the rule for quoting titles true in fiction or only non-fiction? I have one line in my novel:
How to Win a Girl of Ninety Days said to show an interest in what she’s interested in.
Should that be
“How to Win a Girl of Ninety Days” said to show an interest in what she’s interested in.
I’ll need to look this up (can’t at this exact moment), but I believe books titles are supposed to be in italics. I think you’re saying that this is a book being talked about, so:
For a magazine article, it would be:
I know I am off topic, but it seems strange English to my ear.
“How to Win a Girl of Ninety Days†said to show an interest in what she’s interested in.
should be:
“How to Win a Girl in Ninety Days†said to show an interest in what she’s interested in.
Surely?
Ah, oops. Thanks.
I double-checked. My above statement on titles is correct.
Thank you.
Dear Ivy,
I will keep my comments short. I loved the opening it hooked me in right away. The kind of thing that makes you sit up in your seat. It starts to lose steam by the time you reach the bottom of the page but there is enough momentem to carry it to the next page.
So success, i would read on. Now i’m curious who this individual is confessing to. Is it god or a priest? that alone would get me to read on.
I liked it before, I still do.. I’m hopefully waiting for the problems with your latest contribution to be straightened out so I can see it.
Ditto Miriam.
Where is Ivy Riesner # 4 ? It’s a hot topic!