Critique #147 — Adam Colston #4
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 6th, 2007
Door-to-door salesmen have to earn a crust, I knew, but that didn’t stop them annoying me.
I ripped open the front door ready bite a head off, but found only empty space.
Bloody kids, I thought.
A small cough made me look down with a jolt.
A very small man stood there — about four foot tall, I guessed — he had a bald head and a pot belly. His skin seemed a light shade of blue, which I assumed was a trick of the evening light. His choice of clothes was, well, medieval — all leather and plate armour.
“Yes?â€
He smiled, “I am sorry I was delayed – had some trouble with a witch-doctor in Borneo.†He gave a cursory smile and tried to walk pass me into the house. I stuck my hand out and stopped him.
“Excuse me,†I said, “I don’t know who the hell you are, but I can assure you I have not been exp—“
He held up a hand and then quickly whipped out a palmtop computer which he consulted for a moment.
“Did you, on August nineteenth of this year, at precisely 10.06am Greenwich Meantime, fervently wish your employer, one Paul Rutherford-Cates, dead?†He looked up at me, “You are George Fantimo?â€
“Er, Yes.â€
“Yes, you are George Fantimo,†he said and raised his eyebrows, “or yes, you did wish him dead?â€
“Er, both.â€
“Well, you have the gift, albeit the smallest amount I have ever seen, therefore a level-two fervent wish constitutes a binding magical contract — I am here to fulfil it.â€
He pushed past into the house.
Whoops, it didn’t seem this big in Word — it’s a tad more than 13 lines!
Hi Adam,
You are having fun with this sight, aren’t you? I see one problem with this, it’s longer than 13 lines.
I am intrigued by this piece. I would turn the page and see what this wierd looking guy has up his sleeve.
It was line 14 that pulled me in though.
>“Did you, on August nineteenth of this year, at precisely 10.06am Greenwich Meantime, fervently wish your employer, one Paul Rutherford-Cates, dead?†He looked up at me, “You are George Fantimo?â€
Nice opening. Good stuff.
Yeah — retrospectively, I probably could have stopped after that line.
I would likely have kept reading even without the extra lines. The “I’m sorry, I was delayed” line intrigued me in the face of the narrator’s dislike of salesmen.
Seaboe
Two problems:
The “with a jolt” seemed overdone.
Forget that it’s more than 13 lines, it’s not enough. When do we get the rest of it?
Great job!
Hi Seaboe and Ivy,
Thanks for you comments.
I agree about the ‘jolt’. I wanted to capture the surprise of looking down and seeing a small man dressed in armour and leather out side your front door. I couldn’t express it at the time.
Adam
Generally I liked it. One small problem I did face was how you described how he described the guy’s clothing choice. It was good, but I found it hard to think it was his voice. He keeps quite a consistant voice throughout the story but this line threw me a little.
Other than that, I would read on. Very interesting story.
Kim x
Hi Kim,
You found another of my sentences that i was unsure of. I thought it worked so I left it in. I liked the line “…all leather and plate armour…” so I worked around it.
Adam
I liked that part too but the bit before it. Perhaps try rewording it to include that phrase?
Hey Adam - I’m coming in a bit late on this [sorry, been offline for the last few days], but here’s what I thought:
Overall, very good, and I had no problems with the length. I did notice this, however (I’m being petty :p):
‘A very small man stood there — about four foot tall, I guessed — he had a bald head and a pot belly’ - when you insert something into a sentence with hyphens, you have to be able to delete the entire thing and have the sentence still make sense. Thus, ‘A very small man stood there he had abald head and a pot belly’ is a bit iffy. It’s not really a big thing, since you get the pause from the missing comma with the insert itself, but maybe something an editor would point at (Kevin will have to say whether I’m right or not on that one).
Also, I agree in part about ‘with a jolt’, but I also think you were right to put something there. I’d be inclined to have something along the lines of ‘… made me jump’.
But yes, nice opening, would definitely turn the page. Hope this helped :).
Hi Daniel,
It’s a good question.
‘A very small man stood there — about four foot tall, I guessed — he had a bald head and a pot belly’
Should be:
‘A very small man stood there — about four foot tall, I guessed — with a bald head and a pot belly’
No, because that requires a comma too.
I suppose it could be restructured so:
‘A very small man — about four foot tall, I guessed — stood there. He had a shiny, bald head and a big pot belly’
Yes? I think I preferred the first version though, it seems more natural.
I am not certain of the answer on your question, (as to if the hyphens can live in the vacuum of the comma) so will bow to the more knowledgeable on this score.
Debbie? Kevin? Anybody……..
Adam
Daniel,
BTW the robot story I intro’ed here is up on critters, if you want a look!
“An Empty Kind of Love”
Adam
Love this!
There’s some inconsistency in tone. For instance: “which I assumed was a trick of the evening light” sounds formal compared to the breezier, run-on prose found elsewhere.
But overall, this was loads of fun and I’d be turning the page eager for more.
Hi Beth,
Oh yeah I didn’t notice that…it does have a different tone.
Thanks for the positives, always appreciated.
Adam