Critique #150 — Ivy Reisner #4
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 9th, 2007
Apep had chased the sun barge low into the western sky by the time I’d arrived on the scene. The normally gold and glittering barge was burnt black in patches and splattered in copper blood from the gods and green blood from the dragon.
Ra’s pants were soaked with blood and he leaned on his left leg, not putting any weight on his right. He remained at the helm, trying to outrun the dragon, but he was out of the fight. Amon, a plain-looking god, who could pass himself off for a mortal with little effort, lay unconscious near him, bleeding from a head
wound. Horus defended the sun alone.
I’ll give Horus one thing. He had his pride. I might call him a bird-brain–he had the head of a falcon and the intellect of a dodo–but no matter how hurt he was, the self-proclaimed king of the gods wouldn’t admit defeat. I just wish he had the power to back
it.
This is intriguing and vividly written. POV is clear right away (thank you!
).
The only criticism I have is that “Apep” is mentioned in the first line, then never again. It took me two reads to figure out that the name refers to the dragon. It’s one thing to start a scene in media res, but this almost feels like we’ve started mid-story. Even just saying “Apep the dragon” would help.
Would I keep reading? You bet.
Thanks, Beth. I was worried that, by not naming the PoV character yet, it wouldn’t be confusing. You’re right about it not being clear that Apep is the dragon. How about
Apep had chased the sun barge low into the western sky by the time I’d arrived on the scene. I summoned my Wass, a staff with a sharpened V at one end, and stabbed it into his nose. “Bad dragon. No cookie.”
The normally gold and glittering barge was burnt black in patches and splattered in copper blood from the gods and green blood from Apep.
Hmmm. The first sentence needs changing around, I think, just to get things in order. Plus, you don’t need the past perfect tense there. And what about saying what Apep is before naming him? Like this–
By the time I arrived on the scene, the dragon had chased the sun barge low into the western sky I summoned my Wass, a staff with a sharpened V at one end, and stabbed it into his nose. “Bad Apep. No cookie.â€
Of course, it’s not clear what the narrator’s physical situation is. Is s/he flying as well? Did s/he poke the dragon mid-air? Or was Apep on the barge itself?
Hmm. He’s standing on the sun barge. I like the idea of naming Apep first for those readers who know the legend.
By the time I arrived on the scene, Apep had chased the sun barge low into the western sky. I summoned my Wass, a staff with a sharpened V at one end. I moved in front of Horus, the only defender of the sun left standing, and stabbed Apep in the nose. “Bad dragon. No cookie.â€
He wheeled back and I raised my hand to the sky, ordering my storm clouds to gather.
“It’s about time you showed up, Set.” Horus stepped up along side of me.
I shot him a sideways look. “I’d have been here sooner if someone had invited me to the party.”
“I’m sorry you missed the fun.” His voice dripped anger and sarcasm. The normally gold and glittering barge was burnt black in patches and splattered in copper blood from the gods and green blood from the dragon.
Ra’s pants were soaked with blood and he leaned on his left leg, not putting any weight on his right. He remained at the helm, trying to outrun the dragon, but he was out of the fight. Amon, a plain-looking god, who could pass himself off for a mortal with little effort, lay unconscious near him, bleeding from a head wound.
Apep hovered a moment, then swooped in, claws extended. Even as I battered Apep with lightning bolts, Horus threw an energy blast of his own, that all but fizzled before it even reached Apep. He’d hit his limit, but he glared as if ready for the next round.
I’ll give Horus one thing. He had his pride. I might call him a bird-brain–he had the head of a falcon and the intellect of a dodo–but no matter how hurt he was, the self-proclaimed king of the gods wouldn’t admit defeat. I just wish he had the power to back it.
The only thing is–when Set pokes the dragon, what is the dragon doing at the time? Is he in the midst of swooping in for another attack? Or has he already landed on the barge?
This is utterly nitpicky, but I think you’ve lost some euphony there. “I arrive, I summoned, I moved…” The subject-verb constructions are too repetitive.
Maybe–
By the time I arrived on the scene, Apep had chased the sun barge low into the western sky. I summoned my Wass, a staff with a sharpened V at one end, and moved in front of Horus, the only defender of the sun left standing. The dragon [insert some clarifying action such as "swooped in to attack again" or "landed on the barge and snapped at me"]. I stabbed him in the nose. “Bad dragon. No cookie.â€
One thing I miss from this newer version is the up-front description of the wounded gods, which is unexpected, since one tends to think of gods as being invincible. The surprise factor was part of what made it appealing, and it also painted a vivid image in my mind. Maybe you could revert to that, and delay the “bad dragon, no cookie” part until after “Horus defended the sun alone.”
That brings back the space between “Apep” and “the dragon” though.
Hey Ivy, I’ll keep my comments to your second version.
I must admit, I’m not sure about this one. Dragons, celestial battles, gods kicking each other’s asses… I should be loving this, but I’m not.
The Apep issue definitely needed clarifying, but there’s still something clunky about your revised opening paragraph - Beth pretty much covered it (I summoned, I moved… etc). Speaking of Apep, ‘He wheeled back and I raised my hand to the sky’ - just how bloody far did he go, because there’s time for a conversation and a survey of the surroundings before (s)he comes back again.
‘…raised my hand to the sky, ordering my storm clouds to gather’ - this bit it flows oddly; you could just as easily say something like ‘raised my hand to the sky, summoning my storm clouds’. I’m also slightly concerned about the repeated use of ‘my’.
‘”I’m sorry you missed the fun.†His voice dripped anger and sarcasm.’ … it did? I’m just not getting the anger - there’s nothing to back it up. It’s like ‘Horus arrived, and he talked to Set (who shot him a look and replied), and then talked some more. Oh, and he was reallyreally angry’ - do you see what I mean? And besides, I personally find it quite hard to imagine anyone saying ‘I’m sorry you missed the fun’ in anger. ”Pay attention next time then, idiot,’ he snapped’ - that’s just a random example (not a suggestion), but can you see how that carries more of a sense of anger than ‘I’m sorry you missed the fun’?. Also, the whole ‘the party’ cliché is… well, a cliché.
‘… splattered in copper blood from the gods and green blood from the dragon’ - something about this is annoying me. It’s a bit ‘this and that’, if you see what I mean. I must admit, I can’t think of a better way of writing it, but I thought I may as well make the point.
‘Ra’s pants were soaked with blood and he leaned on his left leg, not putting any weight on his right’ - the repetition of the word ‘blood’ sticks out at me (that is, after the two times it’s used in the previous sentence). It’s easily remedied by rearranging the sentence: ‘Ra leaned on his left leg, not putting any weight on his right - his pants were soaked with blood’.
‘Amon, a plain-looking god, who could pass himself off for a mortal with little effort, lay unconscious near him’ - they’re in the middle of a battle at the moment. Is there really time to be making god/mortal comparisons right now?
‘Apep hovered a moment, then swooped in, claws extended. Even as I battered Apep with lightning bolts’ - I’d change the second ‘Apep’ to a him / her.
‘… Horus threw an energy blast of his own, that all but fizzled before it even reached Apep’ - firstly, lose the comma after ‘own’. Secondly, ‘lightning bolts’ and ‘energy blasts’ (particularly the latter)? It’s all terribly familiar and young adult. I physically rolled my eyes when I read ‘energy blast’ I’m afraid - is there a better way of describing it?
Finally, the last paragraph - I’ve no problem with the prose, but it’s the same issue as with Amon’s description: they’re fighting right now. Is this really the time to be having a quite moment of contemplation?
As I said in the beginning, I should be loving this, but somehow I’m not :(.
Sorry hun, hope this helped.
Hi Ivy,
I like the first opening much better. I think if you address the action — what the dragon is doing, how the narrator arrived and what s/he is doing — in the next paragraph the opening works. Can you smooth out the dragon confusion by saying: “Apep the dragon had chased the sun barge …”? I don’t know the legend, so it reads ok to me. (I also didn’t understand Apep and the dragon were one and the same). And you can fix the blood thing by changing that sentence to “splattered in copper blood from the gods and green from the dragon.” But I didn’t notice it on first read.
If you go with the second version, l thought the dialogue was kinda clunky and forced sounding. And please lose “dripped” in “His voice dripped anger and sarcasm” How does a voice drip?! It’s cliche.
I would read on for the first version, not the second.
Nicole
Yes, Nicole’s put her finger on it.
Sometimes getting the flow of information right is akin to solving a Rubrick’s cube. You get one side all nice and uniform but that throws all the rest out of whack.
However, here the fix is simple.
Anyone not familiar with the legend (that would be me) is going to think Apep is a person until you correct that misapprehension. The sooner that’s done, the better. In this case, you can do it in the very first line:
“By the time I arrived on the scene, the dragon Apep had chased…”
Would it work as:
Apep had chased the sun barge low into the western sky by the time I’d arrived on the scene. He hovered above heads of the gods on black wings, swiping with his claws. I summoned my Wass, a staff with a sharpened V at one end, and stabbed Apep in the nose. “Bad dragon, no cookie.” He darted up out of my reach.
The normally gold and glittering barge was burnt black in patches and splattered in copper blood from the gods and green from the dragon.
Ra’s pants were soaked with blood and he leaned on his left leg, not putting any weight on his right. He remained at the helm, trying to outrun Apep, but he was out of the fight. Amon lay unconscious near him, bleeding from a head
wound. Horus defended the sun alone.
I’ll give Horus one thing. He had his pride. I might call him a bird-brain–-he had the head of a falcon and the intellect of a dodo-–but no matter how hurt he was, the self-proclaimed king of the gods wouldn’t admit defeat. I just wish he had the power to back it.
Is this coming off as a story for small children? I’m concerned because “Apep, the dragon” and “the dragon, Apep” suggestions make me think of “Puff, the magic dragon”. If it is coming off that way, I need to do something about that.
Hi Ivy,
I can’t really think about what to add. I like the idea, but the execution is not great. The things I would change are mostly stylistic:
“By the time I arrived on the scene, Apep had chase…”
I don’t like the use of the word ’scene’. I think it’s jarring, makes me realize it’s an artifice. I think you could stop after “arrived,..”
With regard the whole dragon thing…I presume it’s a standard flying dragon? Could you not make a reference to something dragon-like linked to the name Apep, e.g.
By the time I arrived on the scene, Apep had chased the sun barge low into the western sky. The sun gleamed off his golden scales as he wheeled in the sky. I summoned my Wass, a staff with a sharpened V at one end. I moved in front of Horus, …”
Just an idea.
What is a sharpened V? Is it a two-pronged staff with two sharp points or a single point that e.g. an inverted V? I always think a V is usually used to denote a notch or something. Beside the whole explanation seem a little expository. Would it best to dump this part of the sentence to allow the read to be easier and just say that you summoned your spear or something equivalent? Or a least call it ” ..my sharp-pointed Wass..”. To me, it slows the sentence when you could be poking already!
There are some instance that seemed a bit telling not showing, you can say that they were the narrators opinion but I would still prefer to see “…run the dragon, but he was out of the fight.” as “..run the dragon, but seemed to have no no fight left in him..” or something that shows that it was opinion.
“I’m sorry you missed the fun.†His voice dripped anger and sarcasm. (paragraph)
The normally gold and glittering barge was burnt black in patches and splattered in copper blood from the gods and green blood from the dragon.
Would I turn the page? Mmmm– needs some work–but then yes.
Adam
Ah, the Wass. It’s always annoying to get that into the story.
It looks like this
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It’s about six feet long and it’s so heavy only he can lift it. The prongs on the bottom are sharp. It’s the weapon he’s always shown as using to vanquish Apep in the carvings.
Ideas?
Hi
I guess you could make more of an event of the summoning. May be he could spin it into existence, watch it as it formed of nothing.
“…first the haft appeared from the blinding light, then…
First the staff, then the metal prongs or perhaps he comes across it…describes it as he recognises it:
“….ah, yes, my Wass, just what I need to poke this pesky dragon.”
Adam
Well, when you have a god show up with a forked stick, poke a dragon in the nose, and say, “Bad dragon, no cookie,” it does leave that impression.
If you don’t want to say “the dragon Apep,” then you could simply say, “the dragon” and work his name in a little bit later. However, you already objected to that solution, so in light of that, I think the version where we get an actual description of him would solve the problem. That way, he’s not just a name.
As to the weapon, you could describe it as a stick with sharp double prongs, or a sharpened fork.
Yeah. That’s what I was worried about. Oops.
I was kinda surprised when that crept in the revised version.
So go back to version 1, explain the fact that Apep is a dragon better, and get a sense of who is doing what exactly. Let Set joke around later. Gotcha. Thanks.
That sounds good, Ivy.
Just a small point:
“7th Century A.D. - The earliest cookie-style cakes are thought to date back to 7th century Persia A.D. (now Iran), one of the first countries to cultivate sugar (luxurious cakes and pastries in large and small versions were well known in the Persian empire). According to historians, sugar originated either in the lowlands of Bengal or elsewhere in Southeast Asia. Sugar spread to Persia and then to the Eastern Mediterranean. With the Muslim invasion of Spain, then the Crusades and the developing spice trade, the cooking techniques and ingredients of Arabia spread into Northern Europe.”
I presume the cookie joke takes place before recorded history?
Just kidding ;).
Hee! If I change it to “Bad dragon, no beer” it’ll fit better with the mythical history (beer was offered to Set from the beginning of his cult worship) and make it sounds less kiddie.
Just a few belated grammar issues to keep in mind:
“He wheeled back” and “I raised…” are two complete sentences joined by an “and,” so put a comma after “back.”
I believe that the comma after “god” is not needed as ‘plain looking god” and his ability to pass himself off as mortal are directly related and it reads fine without the comma.
Debbie,
I didn’t know of that rule regarding ‘and’, I thought it was enough and didn’t require a comma.
The ship ran aground, and I jumped into a lifeboat.
The ship ran aground, I jumped into a lifeboat.
The ship ran aground as I jumped into a lifeboat.
Are these correct, then?
Is the second an example of a comma-splice? Or should it be (can it be?) a semi-colon.
I am a little confused.
Adam
This one is a comma splice. It should be
The ship ran aground; I jumped into a lifeboat.
Ivy,
Thanks. I wrote a story recently and someone said I use a lot of comma splices. Now I know!
Adam
I may be putting the cat amongst the pigeons, but I didn’t have a problem with the first para. You have to give your readers some credit in being able to add 2+2, and making everything too obvious belittles their intelligence(Loved the Puff comment).
Anyone who applies the process of logical reasoning to the two statements “Apep had chased the sun barge” & “copper blood from the gods and green blood from the dragon” has to come to th conclusion that (due to the plural word ‘gods’) that: A - Apep is the dragon; or B - Apep is the name of a cabal of gods bent on sinking the sun barge. Reasoning is fun, more people should try it.
The last word from your submission obviously got left out from Kevin’s cut & paste but I will pretend it is there.
That’s a problem I’ve been struggling with for a while, Brendan. Every so often I hit something that half the readers find confusing and the other half find obvious. I’m not sure why this is, but it’s something I need to work on. Thanks.
Yeah. seems to happen a lot with me too. I guess it’s a fine line about how explicit about a particular thing you become.
I liked it; a very effective setting of the scene.
I know nothing of the technicalities of commas; they looked all right to me.
May I suggest making the gods’ blood ‘coppery’ instead of copper? Makes it more of an adjective, less metallic (also, fresh blood is crimson, only when it clots does it become brownish, like copper). Also, did the ancient Egyptians really wear pants? (I ask merely for information).
The Egyptians wore, for lack of a better term, skirts. The Pharaoh wore this huge triangular apron. The gods…well, they’re gods.