Critique #153 — Roger Thibault
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 9th, 2007
Sgt Grady leaned around the tree to check on his team’s positions. As usual, Truk was trying to blend in with the woods while advancing to his chosen point. Aurora hid in the crotch of a tall tree where she had a good field of view of the target area. Raven and Whisper had faded from view which was normal. Those two could hide in a closet. Movement near Truk caught his eye.
“Hold positions.†Aurora said quietly as the head of a Lizard peered cautiously around a tree. “We have a sentry by Truk.â€
Whisper said, “Raven’s on it.â€
A pair of hands appeared from behind the guard’s head and quickly snapped his neck. The flexibility of the G’nash’s neck required a three-quarter turn to break it, but the big Navaho had practiced it enough.
“Field’s clear Sir,†Aurora stated. “Proceed?â€
Hi Roger,
I would always write the title in full e.g.
Sergeant Grady…
I don’t know if that’s correct — but it’s what I would do.
I feel slightly lost with this. I think it may be the lack of clearly defined POV. It could be omniscient or perhaps you will say it’s Grady that is the POV character. It doesn’t feel clear, hence the feeling I have. You could reinforce the POV by having Grady turn his head to look at so-and-so and then look over his his shoulder at someone else…they way you have it is confusing.
This concerns me. If this is Truk’s eye being caught, we have an omniscient POV — if it is Grady’s eye, we have lack of POV clarity.
I would also paragraph differently, to indicate small changes in POV.
e.g.
Sgt Grady leaned around the tree to check on his team’s positions.
As usual, Truk was trying to blend in with the woods while advancing to his chosen point. Aurora hid in the crotch of a tall tree where she had a good field of view of the target area. Raven and Whisper had faded from view which was normal. Those two could hide in a closet.
Movement near Truk caught his eye.
“Hold positions.†Aurora said quietly as the head of a lizard peered cautiously around a tree. “We have a sentry by Truk.â€
Whisper said, “Raven’s on it.â€
A pair of hands appeared from behind the guard’s head and quickly snapped his neck. The flexibility of the G’nash’s neck required a three-quarter turn to break it, but the big Navaho had practiced it enough.
“Field’s clear Sir,†Aurora stated. “Proceed?â€
Who see’s the sentry? If it is Sgt Grady or Truk why don’t they say something instead of waiting for Aurora to. If you want Aurora to do the saying then don’t have anyone else notice..her comment can be the indicator of the sentry’s presence.
I am also confused as to if the sentry, the Lizard (capitalized for a reason?) and the G’nash are the same thing. If they are then you need to clarify it, because you have called it different things in only a few lines.
e.g.
The G’nash’s lizard-like head swung back and forth as it patrolled it’s lonely….blah, blah.
Poor example..I am sure you can do better!
Otherwise, there is no tech specified but it suggests some sort of future soldiers by the presence of aliens(?), I suppose they could be something else. If it were tightened, I may read on.
P.S. Not sure about the names…it’s a bit sort of squad-based-name thing — think Alien 3 or is it 4 and loads of other films, books etc. It subtracts from what your doing at puts it somewhere cliched. Try a different strategy for naming them.
Hey Roger, here’s what I thought.
Not bad, just a few things. Firstly, I’m not sure about ‘team’s positions’ - I think you’ve got some singular/plural confusion there (you mean the members of the team, but it could also be read as if there were several teams).
‘the crotch of a tall tree’ - is that an actual term, the ‘crotch’ of a tree? If it is then ok, but if it’s just description then I’d consider changing it to something else. Just personal preference on that - it stuck out at me.
I’d join ‘Raven and Whisper had faded from view which was normal. Those two could hide in a closet’ together with a hyphen or semi-colon.
When Aurora says ‘we have a sentry by Truk’, how is she communicating with them? Obviously she’s not just shouting back to everyone, so it must be through some kind of comms device - I’d mention it briefly.
Swap round ‘Whisper said, “Raven’s on it.‒ to make ‘Raven’s on it,’ said Whisper.’
‘The flexibility of the G’nash’s neck required a three-quarter turn to break it’ is bothering me - it’s the first part. It’s clunky. Try re-wording it (e.g. ‘it took a three-quarter turn to break the G’nash’s [flexible] neck’ - actually, I’d consider dropping the ‘flexible’ too).
Is ‘Navaho’ a nationality / species, or a rank? Or indeed something else?
To quote the Turkey City Lexicon, ’said is one of the few invisible words in the English language’ - get rid of ’stated’, it sticks out like a sore thumb.
But otherwise, I think I’d read on. One thing I will say is that you haven’t painted a very vivid picture thus far - I’d like a little more detail on the surroundings. All I’ve got at the moment is a couple of tall trees and a dead G’nash floating around in the void.
Hope this helped :).
Hi Adam,
Thanks for the quick read. This is my first attempt at 13 lines so some of the basics, like ‘how do you count them’ and formatting will come with time. The ‘movement near Truk’ line should have been deleted and already has been. Throughout this portion of the story, the POV was Sgt Grady. When you are limited to 13 lines, getting a full description of five characters and their positions relative to each other is nearly impossible unless that was your main goal. Mine was to get the team ready for the attack. Thanks again. Roger
Choreography is always a challenge when you’ve got multiple characters in a scene. It’s especially difficult when you’re opening a story in that manner.
I’d add more from Grady’s POV–not just what he sees, but something about what he hears, feels, smells and/or is thinking. Some of that dialogue could just be cut–you could have Grady give the orders instead of just observe, and that would reduce the confusion,not to mention the chatter. Which seemed at odds with the need for stealth. If they’re using some sort of communications equipment, make that clear.
Two things here. One, put a comma after “view.” Two, I have no idea what you mean by saying they could hide in a closet. Anyone can hide in a closet. Why is that special, and what does it have to do with fading from view?
Daniel–Navajo refers to an American Indian tribe.
Now–would I read on? Probably not. There’s no real conflict here. I’d like to have a hint of what’s at stake.
I had guessed Navaho sounded like Navajo. Is that right?
Should be “Hold position,” Aurora said…
The crotch of the tree threw me too.
I had no problem with the idea that movement near Truk caught Grady’s eye. That was fine. I got the PoV. I didn’t like the names, especially Truk. I kept wondering how to pronounce it so it didn’t sound like Truck.
I had no problem putting Whisper said in front of the sentence rather than the back. It’s better that way when it would be unclear going in who is speaking.
I’d get rid of “field of” and say she had a good view of the target area. Also, I want to see the target area. That would be key for me. I wanted to slow down and experience the moment more. Is it hot or cold? What are they sneaking up on?
Oh, I’m going to disagree with Beth. I like the image of the two of them being able to vanish, even in a small space. I found the prose a little awkward and rushed, but yes, I would read on.
Hello Ivy,
Navaho is an alternate spelling of Navajo. I’ve condensed the wording to get the next few sentences to fit which explains what they are doing in the woods. If there is enough support for it, I’ll send it in as an updated version. Roger
Is that what he was trying to say–that they were able to hide in plain sight or in small spaces? Because that’s not what I got from the closet reference. My first thought was: “It’s no trick to hide in a closet. I could do it right now. (Though my family would find it strange.)” [g]
Hi Beth,
Yes, the reference was to the fact that these two could hide in an empty closet without being found. IE, plain sight but hidden. If you remember the Ninja warriors were famed for that trick of ‘you can’t see me.’ Step into an empty closet and hide, now have someone try to find you. that was my original idea.
Roger
Ah! Then you need to add “empty” to the description, because that changes the whole image. Makes much more sense now.
Dear Roger,
What you think of the this sight? You’ll get a lot of help for such a short piece. I love these people (don’t tell them though). With my first quick read my first thought that I would read on with out a doubt. Reading some of my coleagues comments I find myself agreeing with much they say. Some of the wording suggestions are great. I had no problem with the POV. It is something that could be come clear as you read on. As it was i assumed it was Grady’s. I liked crotch of the tree. I can visualize this squad moving into position. I liked it and would flip the page.
Sergeant Grady leaned around the tree to check on his team’s positions. As usual, Truk tried to blend in with the woods while slowly advancing on the enemy camp. Aurora hid in the crotch of a tall tree where she had a good view of the target area. Raven and Whisper had vanished, which was normal since those two could disappear inside of an empty closet.
“Hold,†Aurora said quietly over the comm unit as the head of a G’nash peered cautiously around a tree. “We have a roaming lizard near Truk.â€
“Raven’s on it,†Whisper replied.
Grady saw large hands appeared behind the sentry’s head. It took a half turn to snap the G’nash’s neck but the big Navaho had perfected the move.
“Field’s clear Sir,†Aurora stated. “Proceed?â€
“Roger that. Aurora, keep your butt in that tree and pick your targets carefully. Truk, take out the Comm building. Raven and Whisper, do your thing. We have civilians in there but if it has scales, kill it. Move out.â€
Much clearer. And you even gave us a hint of what’s immediately at stake–civilian lives. I could wish for a deeper POV–maybe one or two more internals from Grady–but even so, this is improved.
Couple of things–
“inside of an empty closet” — delete “of.” It’s not necessary.
better yet: those two could disappear in an empty closet
“Sergeant Grady leaned around a tree…”
and
“…the head of a G’nash peered cautiously around a tree…”
Too similar. Sets up an echo. I had to read that second one again to make sure you weren’t re-describing what Grady was doing, especially since both names start with a G.
I agree with Beth, definitely much better. Couple of other things, tho:
‘It took a half turn to snap the G’nash’s neck but the big Navaho had perfected the move’ - though it’s technically fine as it is, I’d prefer a comma after ‘neck’.
My only other slight complaint is that the first few sentences are all very similar. Grady did this. Truk did that. Aurora did this. Raven and Whisper did that. They’re not EXACTLY the same, of course (indeed, you’ve got ‘As usual…’ in the second one), but I’d suggest trying to vary the sentence structure a little. Only a small point, though, it’s not a major problem :).
Much better. I would cut this with an em-dash.
To
Raven and Whisper had vanished–those two could disappear in an empty closet.
And I agree with Beth, lose the “of”.
This seems extraneous. She should have received her mission orders earlier. She knows she’s the sniper.
Again, it seems like, unless this is the first chance Grady’s had to evaluate the scene (and if so, describe what he sees) then he should have issued these orders in the pre-mission briefing, not on the field.
You can work this in if there is limited information prior. Grady asks Aurora how many civilians there are, or where they are at the moment, something like that?
Much better, tighter. I like it.
Adam
The minor changes suggested for the first thirteen lines were evaluated and those which made an improvement were accomplished. Ivy, the reason for the update on the mission parameters, (who does what) is, this is a rescue mission to a planet that we have almost no intelligence on. The layout was seen briefly from a high altitude flyover as the team was inserted. Details were only seen from the approach.
That being said, The main question I have is, who wants to read the other 5005 words of the story?
I do!