Critique #155 — Ivy Reisner #5
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 15th, 2007
The floodlights dimmed and two pale spotlights crisscrossed over the center of the stage where Roland stood in his black velvet cape.
“You’ve seen the floating woman trick,” he said. “It begins with a request for a volunteer. But tonight–” He held up his hand to quell the audience’s enthusiasm. “–you will all be my volunteers. Please rise.”
He waited for the people to get to their feet.
“No. You only stood. I said rise.” He gestured and, pulling on his sparse reserves of power, floated the crowd just past the tops of the seats. After a long moment of wide-eyed wonder they burst into applause.
Roland smiled. “I think it’s safe to say, that in the history of Madison Square Garden, I’m the first performer to ever receive a floating ovation.”
Ivy,
Content:
Very interesting. I would definitely read on. The comment regarding ‘…his sparse reserves..’ makes me want to know why he is using them up on an audience, but I assume that is explained later.
Grammar (caveat: I know nothing):
Should be:
“You’ve seen the floating woman trick.� he said. “It begins with a request for a volunteer. But tonight,� he held up his hand to quell the audience’s enthusiasm, “you will all be my volunteers. Please rise.�
I am not sure if the your use of the hyphen was required, just the insertion of the description breaks the speech, anyway. I am fairly certain, but almost definitely wrong, that if you break a spoken sentence and insert description it begins with the lower case. If he had completed the sentence the description would start with a capital. I am sure someone will correct me if I am wrong!
floated the crowd just past the tops of the seats
Adam
It’s definitely a comma. “said” is a verb of speech.
You’re definitely right about the lowercase “he” and I’m not sure if it’s a hyphen or a comma.
Good point on the crowd reaction.
He’s wasting his power on the audience (and I think it’ll become clear later) because that’s how he makes a living. When his powers run dry he’ll have to go through the rather arduous process of finding another way. His kind are designed to have a hard time making decisions (and yes, he’s man made).
Gah, the send key got ahead of me.
The spotlights formed an X over him, hitting him from two different directions. I’m not sure how to phrase that.
Thanks!
I like it. Very intriguing beginning. But yes, I do think a few startled audience shrieks
are in order, as well as maybe a mention that he puts them down before the
applause (if he has them up too long, some may start panicking and forget to clap).
How about “two spotlights converged upon the center of the stage, where Roland…”
But I like the idea of a “floating ovation”.
I like the two spotlights converged line. Thanks! 
As written, I believe that the “you” in “–you will all…” should be capitalized because you are starting a new sentence. If you had a comma after “enthusiasm” and made the “he” lower case, then I think that the use of a lower case “you” would be correct. However, I think this section of the paragraph would read more naturally as:
“It begins with a request for a volunteer. But tonight–� He held up his hand to quell the audience’s enthusiasm. “Tonight, you will all be my volunteers. Please rise.�
Most people when interrupted back up a bit in their speech and start again. That may just be my preference, though.
Put a comma after “wonder.”
Move the comma from after “say” to after “that.”
Would I read on? I’m not sure. The hook is very mild at this point. I had assumed that he was a real magician (as in fantasy magic). It’s clear that he’s not typical and his power is surprising, but that sort of idea is fairly common in contemporary fantasy stories. If I knew that he was man-made (maybe describe where he’s getting the power from?), that would be a greater hook for me.
Yeah, sorry about my faulty correction — it is, indeed, a comma.
Sorry, but I’m not really hooked by this. I see a situation, an event, but no conflict.
Ivy,
It’s an interesting concept you’ve begun here. I too had some thoughts on the same issues brought up before.
The issue of the spotlight visualization problem could be resolved as such, ‘The floodlights dimmed as two corner spotlights focused on center stage where…’
The issue of the break in his sentence regarding, ‘But tonight,’ has an easy fix. Delete it.
‘…volunteer.” He held up his hand to quell the audience’s sudden enthusiasm. “Tonight though, I would like you all to assist me.”
The nervous panic of the crowd with a few screams would be better and your ‘floating ovation’ (which I liked) could be tempered with ‘as they were gently wafted back to the floor.’
Could it be worded to imply that the applause began sporatically but built as they were returned safely to the ground?
Just an idea.
It’s a good idea and I’m taking it, Roger, thanks!
I actually really liked this, hyphens and all. Especially the floating ovation, made me chuckle. Would I read on? 100% yes! I had no clue he was manmade- as in not human I’m assuming- and therefore assumed he was human when reading. Would be a twist I’d imagine that he’s not human. Before you mentioned this though, I was already hooked.
The questions that were raised were things like:
His last reserves, I would have thought that he used up his reserves in the act. Since this is obviously the climatic end to his show. Many magicians (real ones in fantasy) feel drained after performing these tricks etc so that’s what I assumed.
Why didn’t the audience react. So on this aspect, just one or two words added in would satisfy me. The gasps, screams, clinging, everything mentioned above, would fit in perfectly and add just that extra dash of realism.
All in all though I thoroughly enjoyed the opening of this story and want to read more! Well done
Just make those hyphens em-dashes and you’re good to go.
I really liked this opening. I thought the line fun, I was intrigued by his being down in his reserves. That made me wonder what would come next–a challenge when he has no reserves? anyway, I was all kinds of intrigued, and would instantly turn the page.
The only blip I experienced (and this might be idiosyncratic) is at the start when the light hits him in his black cape, I wondered if he was naked under it. Even a hint of something else (light on his shirt cuffs) would fix it for me.
Very interesting. I’d keep reading.
The first sentence is a bit awkward, I would fix it thusly:
The floodlights dimmed. Two pale spotlights crisscrossed over the center of the stage where Roland stood in his black velvet cape.
I just sold this piece to Golden Voices magazine.
Ivy,
Congratulations on your sale. I can’t remember if this is your first sale–if so, double woo-hoo!
I still wait for my first. Boo-hoo.
Anyway well done.