Critique #157 — Rhiannon Rose #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 15th, 2007
My father and brothers and I waited for the missionary. We stood at the mouth of the road, in front of the town wall, all four of use dressed in our Sunday best. I had to wear my mother’s gasmask, since mine was still being repaired. I thought it was a rather dreary day for the missionary to arrive, all grey clouds without a lick of sun in the sky. At least it wasn’t raining.
He won’t come, my younger brother, Ermanno, signed, behind my father’s back. He made a dismissive gesture at the road, curving far off into the forest. We’ve been standing around for two hours. They’ll have to solve it without a missionary, because if we wait any longer my filter will clog. He tapped the side of his mask and pantomimed choking.
Hi,
And…and..Too many. Try:
My father, my brothers and I waited..
Structure:
My father and brothers and I waited for the missionary.
We stood at the mouth of the road, in front of the town wall, all four of use dressed in our Sunday best. I had to wear my mother’s gasmask, since mine was still being repaired.
I thought it was a rather dreary day for the missionary to arrive, all grey clouds without a lick of sun in the sky.
At least it wasn’t raining.
He won’t come, my younger brother, Ermanno, signed, behind my father’s back.
He made a dismissive gesture at the road, curving far off into the forest.
We’ve been standing around for two hours. They’ll have to solve it without a missionary, because if we wait any longer my filter will clog.
He tapped the side of his mask and pantomimed choking.
The above is how I would structure it to highlight small changes in POV.
Typo ‘use’ should be ‘us’. ‘A lick of sun’? Seems strange to my ear ‘…a lick of rain’ perhaps because it’s wet, but sun? I think you punctuation could be improved. I will leave that to others.
Would I read on..
No. You haven’t asked any question yet that interest me. Well perhaps one. Why are they wearing gas masks? But to be honest, it seems a slow starter. If I was an editor with only ten stories to read today — I would read on. If I had a hundred stories to read, I wouldn’t.
Adam
It’s a slow start, but an interesting one. I would read on. I want to know why they’re wearing gas masks.
Try varying the sentence structure a little, especially in the beginning.
I would merge that into one sentence:
I waited for the missionary at the mouth of the road in front of the town wall with my brothers and father.
I would also describe their clothes better than “Sunday best”, especially since they’re wearing gas masks.
I’m hooked, but I’m not sure if an editor would read on or not solely due to the spelling and grammar issues. I’d suggest reading your story over for spelling errors (or get a friend to if you have and your eye kept slipping over the use-us one). I’d also strongly suggest getting a grammar book and reading up on the proper use of commas. Some of your grammar choices are technically correct, like “My father and my brother and I…” However, in other places, you lack commas that are needed or use commas where they aren’t. (For example, “He won’t come, my younger brother, Ermanno, signed[,] behind my father’s back.” Delete the comma in brackets.)
How about “We waited with Father…” That implies the siblings. Or maybe not.
Just a thought.
I find it very interesting…just the combination of Sunday best and gas mask makes
me want to read one to see what kind of a world this is taking place in.
I’d read on. I’d like to know why they’re waiting for a missionary, what they’re expecting him/her to do, not to mention why a missionary would be expected to solve anything, and why they’re wearing gas masks. (Well, obviously because the air is toxic, but why is it toxic?)
I don’t have a problem with the ands in the first sentence–it sounds better than taking one out, but there are other ways to structure it as well, as someone suggested. Ditto Debbie’s comments on punctuation. Not sure what Adam meant by POV changes, but maybe he’ll explain that.
Also, this looks like less than 13 manuscript lines–I wonder why you didn’t use more.
Since the main grammar problem that we’ve been seeing lately is with commas, I decided to find a website that has the rules. So there are no more excuses! Go read:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
Adam and Ivy, you might like their information on Semicolons, Colons, Parentheses, Dash, Quotation Marks, and Italics. Their main index is at: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/index.html
If you’re ready for all the rules and some quizzes to boot, then try The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation.
Hope this was helpful.
Thank you all for your critiques.
Ivy - The clothes are described more after these lines.
Beth - This is 13 manuscript lines, in manuscript format - well, it’s the first half a page, not 13 sentences. …and there aren’t quite so many commas in the manuscript. Weird!
This is how it is on my computer:
My father and my brothers and I waited for the missionary. We stood at the mouth of the road in front of the town wall, all four of us dressed in our Sunday best. I had to wear my mother’s gas mask, since mine was still being repaired. I thought it was a rather dreary day for the missionary to arrive, all grey clouds without a lick of sun in the sky. At least it wasn’t raining.
He won’t come, my younger brother Ermanno signed, behind my father’s back. He made a dismissive gesture at the road that curved far off into the forest. We’ve been standing around for two hours. They’ll have to solve it without a missionary, because if we wait any longer my filter will clog. He tapped the side of his mask and pantomimed choking.
I have no idea if that’s better or not. Ah, commas. I’m secretly rather fond of the first sentence. It’s not terribly off-putting, is it?
The use-us mistake is very embarrassing.
I’ll get a friend to look over the text for spelling mistakes, since I seem to miss them after a while.
Oh, Adam - what did you mean by POV changes?
I don’t know of any rules that apply here so I tend to paragraph when POV shifts slightly, from near, to far, or to internal.
I checked out Strunk and White and the rules seem fairly flexible. I think I prefer shorter paragraphs when I read.
I don’t have a problem with the first sentence, at least as to its construction. However, it could be a little less flat and more inviting/mysterious, though. In fact…(thinking)…maybe you could drop it altogether. Because it becomes clear very soon why they’re standing there and who they’re waiting for.
I would drop that awkward comma and replace it with “from.”
You don’t need the intervening “I thought.” Everything she observes comes from her thoughts; this is understood in first-person (and tight third) POV.
Adam, I’m not sure what you mean. This piece remains in a single first-person POV throughout. Maybe what you’re referring to is a shift in focus? Such as exernal observation and description to internal thoughts or feelings?
Hello Rhiannon,
I agree with Ivy and her suggestion for combining the first two sentences. It flows better and isn’t as choppy to read.
This part though,
“He won’t come, my younger brother, Ermanno, signed, behind my father’s back. He made a dismissive gesture at the road, curving far off into the forest. We’ve been standing around for two hours. They’ll have to solve it without a missionary, because if we wait any longer my filter will clog. He tapped the side of his mask and pantomimed choking.”
I had a problem with this. I think Adam’s POV issue arose from the ’silent thoughts’ of her brother entering into the story while it is still her original thoughts from the beginning. If this is a silent conversation between them using sign language it would be hard to get it across to the reader. Since it is rather detailed in information, it would either have to be an elaborate language or it is what she thinks he is trying to say. You did mention, ‘dismissive gesture’ and ‘tapped the side of his mask’ which further implies that it is not an actual language, but simply motions to try to convey his thoughts to her. You might try something like, ‘…Ermanno signed, using our family code behind our father’s back. This lends a sense of age and mystique along with drama with the addition of a few words.
You used quotation marks at the beginning and end of the paragraph which I did not understand at all.
The gas masks issue wasn’t enough to hook me into reading further. I sensed no major conflict that needed to be resolved. If you were to include some hint as to what the problem is and why a missionary was called to solve it, I might take a second look.
Take everything with a grain of salt. It is, after all, only my opinion.
It seemed like he was using a real sign language and gesturing as well. I liked that.
Yes..focus.
Um, for those who care about grammar, I have a nifty post up above that has several grammar links. Because of those links, it was held for moderation and is now lost among the posts.
I was intrigued with this story. I would read on, and I don’t think it was too slow of a starter. I have found that to be popular on this site (no offense to anyone and I’m just saying my feelings so please no jumping down my throat because I understand what editors are looking for) you need to have an explosive introduction with all things needed in the story. In 13 lines it is difficult to do anything, and my preference would be for an occasional “slow-starter” to vary my reading.
There were one or two misplaced commas that I saw, but if you’re getting a second reader they should be picked up, also they’ve been mentioned above.
So in my opinion, I liked that they signed and acted out conversations rather than muffled talking, which is what I expected. Shows that whatever is causing them to wear masks has been happening for a long time and as such they’ve grown accustomed to coping with it.
I liked how they’re waiting for their saviour, makes me wonder why they need this thing to be solved, what this thing is, whether it’s related to the reason for the gas masks or anything like that.
I like the narrating character. I would read on.
what kim said. If I’m remembering right I’ve loved everything you’ve posted.
Aw, thanks, Nicole, Kim, and Ivy.
Roger, it is a real sign language that they’re using. Does every other character using it through the course of the story help offset any confusion?
Debbie - thank you for the links on grammar! They’re much appreciated.
Beth - I took your suggestions and also searched the rest of the manuscript for awkward phrases.
Hey, I guess I’m getting in here a little late, but what of the first sentence was We waited for the missionary?
Sort of forces the idea of reading on to see who we turns out to be.
Plenty of nitpicking above - which I understand to be sought after here - so I’ll leave you with that idea. Overall, sounds like it will lead into an interesting premise.
Rhi, I would totally keep reading this. A lot of the phrasing suggestions people have been giving you I don’t really agree with… I like it as-is and only the comma after signed should go, in my opinion. I feel like the voice is really strong for this character right from the start, and since it is in first person I am more lenient when it comes to structure and such.
I also go the impression that he was speaking detailed sign language AND making gestures as well, which I thought was cool.
Do I get to read this whole thing when you are done writing it?