Comments on: Critique #157 — Rhiannon Rose #2

By: Gyp Oriens

Gyp Oriens — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 02:44:49 +0000

Rhi, I would totally keep reading this. A lot of the phrasing suggestions people have been giving you I don’t really agree with… I like it as-is and only the comma after signed should go, in my opinion. I feel like the voice is really strong for this character right from the start, and since it is in first person I am more lenient when it comes to structure and such.

I also go the impression that he was speaking detailed sign language AND making gestures as well, which I thought was cool.

Do I get to read this whole thing when you are done writing it?

By: JB Armstrong

JB Armstrong — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 21:15:25 +0000

Hey, I guess I’m getting in here a little late, but what of the first sentence was We waited for the missionary?

Sort of forces the idea of reading on to see who we turns out to be.

Plenty of nitpicking above - which I understand to be sought after here - so I’ll leave you with that idea. Overall, sounds like it will lead into an interesting premise.

By: rhi.rose

rhi.rose — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 00:46:18 +0000

Aw, thanks, Nicole, Kim, and Ivy.

Roger, it is a real sign language that they’re using. Does every other character using it through the course of the story help offset any confusion?

Debbie - thank you for the links on grammar! They’re much appreciated.

Beth - I took your suggestions and also searched the rest of the manuscript for awkward phrases.

By: Nicole L.

Nicole L. — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 01:35:15 +0000

what kim said. If I’m remembering right I’ve loved everything you’ve posted.

By: Kim

Kim — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:13:41 +0000

I was intrigued with this story. I would read on, and I don’t think it was too slow of a starter. I have found that to be popular on this site (no offense to anyone and I’m just saying my feelings so please no jumping down my throat because I understand what editors are looking for) you need to have an explosive introduction with all things needed in the story. In 13 lines it is difficult to do anything, and my preference would be for an occasional “slow-starter” to vary my reading.

There were one or two misplaced commas that I saw, but if you’re getting a second reader they should be picked up, also they’ve been mentioned above.

So in my opinion, I liked that they signed and acted out conversations rather than muffled talking, which is what I expected. Shows that whatever is causing them to wear masks has been happening for a long time and as such they’ve grown accustomed to coping with it.

I liked how they’re waiting for their saviour, makes me wonder why they need this thing to be solved, what this thing is, whether it’s related to the reason for the gas masks or anything like that.

I like the narrating character. I would read on.

By: Debbie White

Debbie White — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:14:15 +0000

Um, for those who care about grammar, I have a nifty post up above that has several grammar links. Because of those links, it was held for moderation and is now lost among the posts.

By: Adam

Adam — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 20:09:40 +0000

Yes..focus.

By: Ivy

Ivy — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 22:10:18 +0000

It seemed like he was using a real sign language and gesturing as well. I liked that.

By: Roger Thibault

Roger Thibault — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 21:31:01 +0000

Hello Rhiannon,
I agree with Ivy and her suggestion for combining the first two sentences. It flows better and isn’t as choppy to read.
This part though,
“He wonâ€™t come, my younger brother, Ermanno, signed, behind my fatherâ€™s back. He made a dismissive gesture at the road, curving far off into the forest. Weâ€™ve been standing around for two hours. Theyâ€™ll have to solve it without a missionary, because if we wait any longer my filter will clog. He tapped the side of his mask and pantomimed choking.”
I had a problem with this. I think Adam’s POV issue arose from the ’silent thoughts’ of her brother entering into the story while it is still her original thoughts from the beginning. If this is a silent conversation between them using sign language it would be hard to get it across to the reader. Since it is rather detailed in information, it would either have to be an elaborate language or it is what she thinks he is trying to say. You did mention, ‘dismissive gesture’ and ‘tapped the side of his mask’ which further implies that it is not an actual language, but simply motions to try to convey his thoughts to her. You might try something like, ‘…Ermanno signed, using our family code behind our father’s back. This lends a sense of age and mystique along with drama with the addition of a few words.
You used quotation marks at the beginning and end of the paragraph which I did not understand at all.
The gas masks issue wasn’t enough to hook me into reading further. I sensed no major conflict that needed to be resolved. If you were to include some hint as to what the problem is and why a missionary was called to solve it, I might take a second look.
Take everything with a grain of salt. It is, after all, only my opinion.

By: Beth S.

Beth S. — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 19:48:38 +0000

I don’t have a problem with the first sentence, at least as to its construction. However, it could be a little less flat and more inviting/mysterious, though. In fact…(thinking)…maybe you could drop it altogether. Because it becomes clear very soon why they’re standing there and who they’re waiting for.

Ermanno signed, behind my fatherâ€™s back

I would drop that awkward comma and replace it with “from.”

I thought it was a rather dreary day

You don’t need the intervening “I thought.” Everything she observes comes from her thoughts; this is understood in first-person (and tight third) POV.

Adam, I’m not sure what you mean. This piece remains in a single first-person POV throughout. Maybe what you’re referring to is a shift in focus? Such as exernal observation and description to internal thoughts or feelings?