Critique #159 — Miriam Zibkoff #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 31st, 2007
I am counting ore samples when the cart hits Anya (my sister). There are very few samples where the purity comes up to standard, and I have to take careful note of which tunnels they were taken from. I look up from my board, however, when I hear the shriek of metal as the cart begins to derail. Looking up is a reflex, apparently. I try to return my gaze to my handboard (sample 437 is promising, I log it in) but the cart shrieks again as it takes the curve and I am interrupted again by the lifting of my eyes (defensive reflex, deeper than the limbic system, nothing to be done about it) so I see when the cart leaps entirely off the track, turning itself over in midair and I see (my sister) Anya look up, too (same reflex). She has a look, maybe, of mild surprise in the split second that I see her face, before the rearing cart blots out my view of her and her station. I look down at the sample rack and board again, but have no time to take in anything before the crash that tears the whole workstation from its moorings and leaves a wavering streak of blood leading to the cart’s wreck.
Miriam:
This is intriguing (I hadn’t read the first draft, so I don’t know what’s been changed) but it’s frustrating for me to read because the timeline jumps around a lot, despite the first person present tense voice. If Anya gets hit in the first sentence it’s hard to then go back to what lead up to the incident and retrace the whole accident. Add the intriguing but choppy paranthetical comments and that first graph is difficult to follow.
What I really love is the weird dispassionate voice of your narrator, more consumed with ore samples than the death of her sister. I really want to know why she is this way, so I would definitely read on–I will add, however, that if the timeline keeps jumping around I might get tired of trying to keep track of what’s happening when.
I agree with Madeleine. It’s a bit jumpy, and present tense is challenging (doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it, though) - but the voice is quite clear and it intrigues me. I believe I am really listening to this character.
Hey Miriam.
Very interesting, though could do with a bit more structure (it’s a little hard to follow). Firstly: ‘but have no time to take in anything before the crash that tears the whole workstation from its moorings and leaves a wavering streak of blood leading to the cart’s wreck’ - the ‘that’ after ‘crash’ is unnecessary. It implies that something else is coming (i.e. ‘before the crash that does this, this and this…’ does something else. Where’s the does something else?).
Secondly: ‘I see (my sister) Anya look up’ - I do like that you’re always bracketing ‘my sister’ (presumably because your character doesn’t want to think of Anya in terms of sister [to make the death easier to deal with]), but I found it a bit jarring here.
Thirdly: ‘but the cart shrieks again as it takes the curve and I am interrupted again by the lifting of my eyes’ - repeated use of ‘again’. The second ‘again’ could easily be ‘once more’ or something.
It IS a bit jumpy, but I really liked her thoughts popping up here and there (deeper than the limbic system, etc). It highlights her apparent apathy (brought on, I would’ve thought, by shock, and a desire to pretend that it’s not really happening [hence 'my sister' in brackets]).
On the whole, I liked it. The last sentence or two are a bit long, but other than that no huge complaints. I’d read on.
Miriam,
What Madeleine and Kate said: Really intriguing narrator. I question (slightly) that s/he would look immediately back to the ore samples, not because of a lack of concern for Anya, mind you, but because a mining accident would always cause a disruption of the day’s work. Which in fact is something you might play on, letting him/her lock up the sample case so that the ensuing chaos of medical teams, investigators and repair crews wouldn’t mess things up, allowing him/her to continue later after this unwanted interruption.
Of course, all this is why I’m turning the page, though the first lines could be neatened up.
Wow, thanks for the feedback.
Thanks, Madeleine, for pointing out the problem with the shifts in the timeline. I
wanted to start with the momentous (death of sister) and shift to the trivial
immediately, to emphasize the narrator’s detachment - it’s hard for me to figure out
how to do that in present tense, so I may have to junk that.
Thank you, Kate, for the favorable feedback - I want to make this character
interesting (eventually likable may be too much of a stretch, though I hope not).
Thanks, Daniel, for pointing out the repetitive use of words, will be working on that.
And thank you, Kevin. It’s true, she’s not reacting the way a responsible mining
employee would, but that’s sort of on purpose, and I’m glad it wouldn’t put you off
from continuing.