Critique #16 — Rosamunda Delamer
Kevin Andrew Murphy June 30th, 2006
Briar-Rose ran frantically down the corridor, her heavy skirts held tightly in her sweaty hands, her slippers thudding on the stone floor. Behind her lay the brightly lit hall, filled with laughing guests and (she shuddered at the thought) her new husband. Before her, the way was filled with shadows. A murmured excuse had given her a few precious minutes to look for an escape. Otherwise … She shuddered again at the thought of what would happen if this plan failed. A hundred years of dreams should not end with - that.
The old rhyme sang through her mind, burning bright in a memory sharpened by panic. Left, left, and left again. Briar-Rose drew a sobbing breath as she turned the last corner. A grey door stood at the end of the dimly-lit corridor. She flew down the corridor and collapsed against it, tears spilling down her cheeks. Her fingers scrabbled for the handle that would deliver her from her fate.
Rosamunda,
Certainly a dramatic beginning, and I’d definitely turn the page, but I don’t know how long you can keep up this pace.
The first sentence is overmodified: Briar-Rose ran frantically down the corridor, her heavy skirts held tightly in her sweaty hands, her slippers thudding on the stone floor.
frantically, heavy, tightly, sweaty… Bob one adverb and one adjective. I’d drop “frantically” and “sweaty,” and change “tightly” to “tight.” Also, slippers won’t thud on a stone floor. They’d slap. Of course, you don’t want “slippers slapping” but try to find a synonym. Maybe “pounding” or somesuch, or a mention of the way the sound will echo down the corridor.
Definitely a page turner! But I think you could get it tighter and sharper, and thus the pace even more brisk. A beginning that spikes the reader’s interest in the least number of words but with maximum errect is, I believe, always a worthy goal.
With that in mind, here are my specifics:
If you use strong verbs, you don’t need to slow down the pace by loading sentences with a lot of adverbs. ‘Ran’ is okay, but why not a verb that suggests avoidance instead of just running, which would obviate the ‘frantically’? Bolted, fled, sped, dashed, pelted (the last one implies sound) mean someone is not just running, but trying to get away. (Dashed and sped less than bolted or fled.)
If you have her grip her skirts, you can get rid of ‘tightly’.
Slippers don’t thud, as Kevin pointed out. Smacked? This is where the real work of revision makes us examine each sentence to get each word, phrase, clause to do the maxiumum work, so we don’t feel we have to bolster the effect by piling on adverbs, adjectives, more phrases, more clauses.
‘brightly’ is far less vivid than ‘chandelier-lit’ or ‘torch-lit’ or a specific image, rather than the bland ‘brightly’. Especially since she’s not looking at it, therefore not seeing the shaft of light slanting into the hallway behind her or whatever. Unless that light is illuminating ancient or scary or artistic objects all around her, the light gradually diminishing until she can scarcely see.
Another tiny thing that I notce the really effective writers never do is attribute a single emotion to a crowd, unless they give it to us in specific images or sounds or actions. In other words, is everybody really laughing, or are they celebrating–some chatting, some drinking (she’d hear the clink or ching of glassware or pewter cups)? If they are all laughing, did she hear a warm masculine voice rise on the finish of a joke followed by laughter? Try not to let your crowds diminish into the book version of a TV laugh track.
Again, this is tiny and really picky, because the text is perfectly fine, but it could be just that little twist better, and that is ‘filled with’ which has become a cliche. Can you think of a better verb that gives us a more sharp visual? Or rewrite the sentence so that we’re not just seeing an amorphous hall, but how the shape of it, or the stone, or the objects in it, are masked? Also, are there smells, or other sensations besides just sight that contribute to her sense of mystery and tension?
Murmured excuse to whom? if the husband, give us a tantalizing glimpse of his reaction–did his cat’s eyes narrow, did his curved lips flatten into a line, did his tentacles . . . stop that, Smith. Just because it’s ninety degrees in here . . .
Ahem. ‘Minutes’: do they use clocks, then? or can you measure time in heartbeats, breaths, or some other way that gives a clue to the details of this world?
Now, here I was totally thrown. What plan? And is she a hundred years old? And what is ‘that’? I know you’re trying to pique curiosity here, but too many unexplained bits and I get frustrated, I’m thrown out of the story as I reread the two sentences two or three times, trying to pry some meaning out of them. I want each sentence to lead directly into the next, connecting story details as she runs.
Last sentence, a handle would deliver her from her fate (and ‘from her fate’ is not interesting to me if I don’t have any idea what the fate is)? Or a door?
Tentacles?
It’s more than ninety degrees in here, what can I say.
I agree with what Kevin & Sherwood have said. Overall, this would cause me to turn the page and see if I should buy the book. A couple of minor additions to what they’ve said…
“Briar-Rose”? Maybe it’s my age, but I was immediately thrown out of the story with cartoon images of Briar Rabbit in my head. Is there a reason why she has a hyphenated first name?
100 years? How old is she? Are they her dreams, or dreams of her family/race/secret cult. Yup to this point, I’d gotten the impression of she was young (her fear & running from her new husband) and the “100″ was another bit that threw me out of the story.
How is it dimly-lit? Similar to what Sherwood said above, describe the flickering torches, or the modern lights on a dim setting, or ….
Everyone else has said what I’d say. Carry on, all . . .
Oh, “was filled by” is the dreaded passive voice — “Shadows filled the hall” would be better, but Sherwood’s suggestions are best.
Yes, I’d turn the page, too.
Everything Sherwood said.
(And for the record, I recognized from Briar-Rose and the 100 years what story we’re in — and I’m loving it.)
—L.
Thank you! This is wonderful feedback. When I do a re-write, may I post it here so you can see it, or is that imposing on your good natures too much?
L. N. Hammer, thank you! I was hoping that people would pick up on that without me having to state it explicitly.
With the last sentence - three seconds after I sent this in for review, I realised that the second half was pretentious rubbish, and I cut it so it stopped at ‘handle’. I apologise for inflicting that prose on everyone.
Once again, thank you for the wonderful feedback. You have given me exactly what I was looking for.
I was so happy with the feedback, I forgot to put this in the above post.
I’m assuming that all the questions are what that person thinks as they read the story, and are included for my edification, and not because you are looking for answers. If not, I will answer them, but I won’t do this without a post saying ‘yes, please, tell me x (or y or z)’, as that doesn’t seem to me to be the point of this section. On the other hand, I don’t want to be rude and ignore anyone when they are waiting for an answer, so I will answer direct questions addressed to me.
Rosamunda, by all means post your revisions! In fact, if any other posters who were moved to revise are reading this, then post your on your own page, too.
I don’t know the “Briar-Rose and 100 years” story. Wazzat?
Kit
You’re all going to murder me when you find out.
The ‘Briar-Rose and One Hundred Years’ story can be found here.
I’m quite worried about that fact that only one person picked up on this, as I thought it was hit-over-the-head obvious. I need the reader to have that story in mind when they read my piece, or they’ll miss parts of what I’m trying to say. Any suggestions for how I can make this background story more obvious in my piece? What are the words that make you think of this story? Maybe I just need to change those…
Thank you for letting me post my revisions. It won’t be straight away, I’m afraid - I’m sitting on the piece for a while to avoid a repeat of the last-line incident (which still brings a fiery blush to my cheeks).
I thought it might be Briar Rose (or Sleeping Beauty) but the wording suggested the girl had been awake those hundred years, or at least so I assumed. Maybe if you just reword it so it’s clear she was asleep the 100 years, everyone will catch on.
I got the Sleeping Beauty link right away… I like the twist you’ve given it with her desire to escape! It makes me wonder if you’re going to go back to the early-early versions of the story, in which Briar Rose is wakened, not by a kiss, but by labor pains as she gives birth to the child of her savior/rapist…
I would definitely keep reading! Looks like you’ve gotten some great suggestions for sharpening the story up a bit.
Thanks you for the advice, Sherwood. I’ll keep playing with words and see what I can come up with. Although now I keep going off on tangents involving tentacles, impressionable person that I am.
I’m glad you got the link, Red Molly. I’m not going back to early versions, but rather playing ‘what-if’ within the general bounds of all the versions (if Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather appear, you have my permission to hit me - hard - until they un-appear.)
Thank you for commenting, everyone.
Tentacles are simply irresistable.
so are squeegees and squids. Fact of life.
I’m going to have to include tentacles now.
This is my revised version of the lines above. I have the horrible feeling that in my attempt to fix the errors pointed out above, I have committed another batch of writing sins. I do hope that this reads better (I’m at the point where I have looked at it for so long that I simply can’t tell anymore).
Revised Version
Briar-Rose fled down the passage-way, her heavy skirts crushed in her sweaty hands. Her heart pounded in her chest in syncopation with the pounding of her slippers on the wooden floor. Behind her lay the castle hall, filled with candlelight and guests and (she shuddered at the thought) her new husband. A murmured excuse had produced a knowing look, a possessive caress, and this one chance for escape. Otherwise … She shuddered again at the thought of what would happen if her plan failed. A hundred years of roseate dreams should not awaken to - that.
The old rhyme sang through her mind, burning bright in a memory sharpened by panic. Left, left, and left again. Briar-Rose sobbed under her breath as she turned the last corner. A grey door stood at the end of the shadowy corridor. She flew down the corridor and collapsed against it, tears spilling down her cheeks. Her fingers scrabbled for the handle.
I think this is worlds better–I’d turn the page in a flash.
The only think that blipped me a bit is how someone can sub under their breath–I think I know what’s meant, there might be a slightly smoother way to express it–but the overall opening really appealed to this reader.
Thank you for telling me that you thought it was better, Sherwood. I really appreciate it. I’ll change the ’sobbed under her breath’ back to the original ‘drew a sobbing breath’, as I quite understand what you mean about the imagery there.
I now have:
Revised Version Mark II
Briar-Rose fled down the passage-way, her heavy skirts crushed in her sweaty hands. Her heart pounded in her chest in syncopation with the pounding of her slippers on the wooden floor. Behind her lay the castle hall, filled with candlelight and guests and (she shuddered at the thought) her new husband. A murmured excuse had produced a knowing look, a possessive caress, and this one chance for escape. Otherwise … She shuddered again at the thought of what would happen if her plan failed. A hundred years of roseate dreams should not awaken to - that.
The old rhyme sang through her mind, burning bright in a memory sharpened by panic. Left, left, and left again. Briar-Rose drew a sobbing breath as she turned the last corner. A grey door stood at the end of the shadowy corridor. She flew down the corridor and collapsed against it, tears spilling down her cheeks. Her fingers scrabbled for the handle.
Dang! That really hits the spot.
Okay, just because we’re here, I’m going to make two suggestions. Actually, one is a spelling suggestion, not a style one: passageway is usually one word, sometimes two, but I’ve never seen it hyphenated.
The other one is the word ’syncopation.’ The image is nifty–heartbeat and steps’ sounds in counterpoint–but the word is so strong, it has so many connotations that lie outside of the seeming reach of this story, for example, the first image up for me is jazz. I wonder if it’s the right word here at the very start. But I hasten to add that this is the sort of finicky detail one mulls over on the last polish–the rest of it works to hook me, at least! I rilly rilly rilly want to turn that page!
Thanks again, Sherwood. I was wondering whether to use ‘counterpoint’, ’syncopation’, or ‘asynchronously’ (the last being one of my favourite computer-geek words). I chose ’syncopation’ as I thought it would be the best known of the three (I really wanted to say ‘asynchronously’, but I’ve had trouble when I have gone down that path before).
I’ll mull over this a little longer, and then I’ll probably change it to ‘counterpoint’. That doesn’t have any incongruous connotations, does it?
My spell checker didn’t pick up on ‘passage-way’. Thanks for noting that. I’m changing it to one word.
I’m actually starting to enjoy this revise-and-polish business. Who would have thought it?
I think counterpoint draws less attention–and thus fits the mood and the ongoing image better–but as always, that’s just one person’s opinion.
It’s a nifty opening!
Very good opening now, Rosamunda. I do wonder about “her heavy skirts etc” because it’s not clear now if she’s wearing the skirts or carrying them in her hands. Considering that she’s fleeing from someone, it’s possible that he pulled the skirts off and either tried to have sex with her or actually did, so you might want to clarify the skirt situation.
Yes, I know I have an evil mind.
I enjoy revising, myself. I like seeing a mess turn into something that communicates what I was trying to say.
Thanks, Sherwood and Kit.
Kit, I can see where the ambiguity comes in. I’ll have a think about how I can reword that to make it clear that the skirts are being worn. I may have to add in a bit more detail to convey the image I have in my mind (floor length skirts of a heavy fabric being lifted up and gripped tightly as the wearer of them runs along the passageway). I wouldn’t want other evil-minded readers getting the wrong idea.
So do I, now. It’s like the feeling I get when I finally tidy a messy room, and look around to see that the room is vacuumed and dusted with everything sitting neatly in its place. Of course, the room only stays that way until the rugrats arrive, so it’s nice that revising is a bit more permanent.
I think one of the reasons that I’m enjoying revising this time is the feedback. It’s making me feel a lot more confident to know that what I am doing is actually improving the writing.
Now I just have to get the rest of the short story just as nifty.
Just a sidenote, the skirts thing was clear to me because I’ve worn heavy skirts, both on stage and in costume situations, and so I know you have to lift your skirts to safely run, much less negotiate stairs. But that said, someone who hasn’t done that might be confused exactly as Kit describes. (AActually, that was why i suggested gripped come to think of it. )
Oh, good. I’m glad someone else has worn long, heavy skirts and knows about running in them. The number of times I have read about a heroine running somewhere in long skirts and not holding them up - I’m always puzzled as to why these wonder-girls never trip and fall flat on their faces.
I think the problem is in the way I changed the sentences around, so I no longer have the image of skirts followed by the image of slippers, which makes it clearer that the skirts are actually on the person. I’m not sure that using ‘gripped’ instead of ‘crushed’ will resolve this ambiguity (although it was certainly better than my original ‘held tightly’, and I definitely appreciate the suggestion). I’m thinking that I will have to say something like “her heavy skirts gathered (up?) in her sweaty hands”, although I’m not sure if this expression fixes the problem either.
Hmmm - I will have to ponder this some more.
Thank you for the feedback and the suggestions. They are all greatly appreciated.
Hey, you’re in the saddle and you’re riding fine. Just keep that story moving. I want to read it in a magazine!