Critique #160 — Daniel Woods #4
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 31st, 2007
Water is a strange substance. It’s not quite solid, but it’s definitely there, gently lapping at the sand on a beach or dripping steadily from the sky.
Melissa looked on thoughtfully as the silvery moonlight rippled along its surface. The World Pool was vast, and beautiful in its simplicity, perfectly circular and lined with stone. Within its depths she saw a blackness billow and swell amongst the lighter currents of sapphire blue. This water, at least, was never truly still. It lived and breathed, and gazed out into the world with its enchanted eye.
This water, she decided, was dangerous.
She looked up.
Maev was standing in the distance, looking out over the balustrade; they stood upon a great balcony, open to the night. The air was chill, but Maev did not seem to mind.
‘This land,’ she called, ‘was once full of these ancient artefacts. The World Pool? Nothing but a drop in the ocean.’ She sighed, and straightened, turning to face Melissa. ‘But we no longer live in such times, and we make do. These sacred waters can show you almost anything, for a price. Tell me Melissa, what do you wish to see?’
Melissa was no longer sure she wanted to see anything at all.
Daniel,
there is a lot of interesting stuff here, but it felt patched together; the transitions between paragraphs jarred me.
First - the narrative voice muses on water. An interesting way to open, although I feel it needs strengthening, less passive voice, and a stronger image.
Then - bam! - we jump to Melissa - again, take your time with introducing what is meant, I believe, to be a mystery.
Then she looks up (why? another jarring transition)
Now you introduce another character as well as new architecture, and then Maev gives a brief lecture on the mystery.
Finally, Melissa’s thought didn’t make sense to me in the context of what comes before.
So - my thoughts are - slow down, set your emotional tone with Melissa (either through her observations or through her interaction with Maev) and use that to elaborate on the mystery, or the other way around. Take your time. Enjoy what you are about to reveal to your reader.
Wooo, it’s up, lol.
Hey Kate, thanks for reading :). Re your thoughts on transitions, I hadn’t realised it was quite so jarring. I agree completely about the first paragraph, it was one of my main concerns, but the ’she looked up’ without any apparent reason was meant to imply that she’s doing something specific (and create a little reader curiosity). I guess it didn’t, but that’s what I wanted with that one :).
Oh, for ‘Melissa’s thought didn’t make sense to me’, did you mean the final line? I was going for the idea that she’s there for a reason, but she doesn’t trust the thing in front of her, and she isn’t happy about the vagueness of ‘for a price’, but maybe that needs more clarification.
Anyway, thanks again for the crit - perhaps another rewrite’s in order for this one, lol.
***
I usually post a list of concerns and questions when I submit an opening for crit, so for anyone interested, here’s what I had:
Aha, it’s up.
Firstly, apologies for the length, I just didn’t want to cut it off any sooner than this. Anyway, this time I’ve tried to do an opening that’s immediately quite heavy on description, so hope you liked. Here are my queries, and as always, all comments are welcome:
- As you can see, water is the prominent theme. I wanted to carry on the opening paragraph for much longer than I did, but I thought it’d then be verging on novel [not short story]. Any thoughts?
- ‘The World Pool was vast, and beautiful…’ - I know that comma shouldn’t really be there, but I wanted a deliberate pause after ‘The World Pool was vast’. Is it ok, or does it stick out like a sore thumb? Same thing at ‘She sighed, and straightened, turning to face Melissa’.
- ‘‘This land,’ she called…’ - again, I want a pause after ‘This land’, but is doing it this way awkward?
- ‘Maev was standing…’ - this originally started as ‘She saw Maev standing…’, but that meant I had ’she decided’, ’she looked up’, ’she saw’. Better / worse? Mainly a POV concern, here.
- Lastly, the description of the balcony. I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it - does it seem out of place?
Thanks for reading :).
Water is a strange substance. It’s not quite solid, but it’s definitely there…
Um, water is, by definition, a liquid. Thus, it’s not a solid, and behaves no differently than other liquids when it comes to existence. I found this beginning very odd, to say the least.
…silvery moonlight rippled along its surface.
Ripped across what surface? The last thing you mention was rain, which doesn’t seem to fit. Go ahead and just say, “rippled along the World Pool’s surface.” Which also brings up the point that it’s (probably) not the moonlight that ought to be rippling, but the light is shining on the ripples in the water.
This water, at least, was never truly still.
A pool of water that is never really still? I’ll let that go, because it’s clearly not a normal pool of water. However, after all the previous things I’ve mentioned above, I’m starting to wonder if what you’re calling water in this story is really water.
Hmm, let me suggest that drop that first paragraph. Maybe start with the two women standing on the balustrade and then describe the world pool. Or describe Melissa standing on the balustrade looking at the world pool, describe the pool, then have the sound of Maev coming up make Melissa look up. Maev can then make her comments.
As for the commas in the incorrect places in an attempt to make pauses: I’d say don’t do it. It simply looks like incorrect grammar, and commas don’t mean “pause here.” If you wish to force a pause, then put a period there and make the next part into a new sentence. “‘This land,’ she called…” seems fine to me.
Alright then, ‘liquid is a strange state of matter’. Unfortunately, it’s pretty impossible to follow that with a flowery, musing description.
Technically, the last thing I mention is water (albeit falling from the sky), not rain. Nevertheless: ‘Melissa looked on thoughtfully and watched the moonlight catch against the rippling waters of the World Pool’. This, however, means I lose ‘The World Pool was vast’, which I wanted to make a point of. And no, light doesn’t catch against things either, but I didn’t want ‘bounce / reflect off’.
Yes, a pool that is never truly still: ‘Within its depths she saw a blackness billow and swell’. Momentum, if you want a scientific justification. Maybe even convection, depending. Otherwise, it’s never still because it’s enchanted and alive, and quite simply because I said so. Magic.
In retrospect, the comma at ‘She sighed, and straightened’ isn’t needed after all. I stand by the other one; no convention is absolute. And even if there’s no rule that says ‘commas mean ‘pause here”, a pause is still what they create.
Something is making me think this sounds bitchy :S, so apologies if it does, it wasn’t meant to, and thanks for taking time to read and comment :).
I had not problem with describing water as solid. You mean “solid” in the day-to-day use of the term, not the precise definition of physics. Much as I would call my cat an animal, but I wouldn’t call my roommate an animal. Besides, it’s poetic license. I liked the language here.
The commas, not so much. I’d use filler words for pause.
I’d prefer “Maev stood” to “Maev was standing.” It makes it less passive and more immediate.
I’ve never in my life seen a totally still pool. Wind causes ripples or movement in the area causes the pool to respond. Things splash into it. Pools move.
I only started to get thrown out of the story when Maev spoke, because I wasn’t sure what it had to do with the pool and it seemed a bit like a lecture. If Maev brought her to the pool, she might comment on it. If she didn’t know Maev was there, perhaps a greeting is in order.
Overall though, I liked this.
Water is kind of a homely, common substance; maybe the first sentence might be more effective if your protagonist muses on the contrast between the familiarity of water and its shifting forms, the things it can either reflect or conceal in its depths.
Otherwise, I liked it, though I’d like to get more of an image of Maev, she is apparently somewhat frightening to your protagonist, though I don’t get a sense of why.
Thanks for the comments, Ivy and Miriam.
I didn’t realise that what Maev says is coming across as a ‘lecture’, so I’ll have to look at that again - basically, Melissa has been trapped on another world, and is searching for her parents and a way home. Maev has taken her to the World Pool, which will (for a price) show her where her parents are. That’s why Maev explains everything.
To Miriam, I like your idea of Melissa thinking about how water can both conceal and reveal things. I opened with her musings to try and set up a sense of character - she’s a very thoughtful and curious person, and often just stops to think about things. That’s why I wanted to carry it on longer than I did, but I guess the actual thoughts themselves aren’t interesting enough to hold their own. I’ll post another version when I’m happy with it :).
To Ivy, glad you liked the language :). As it stands, I didn’t want to have ‘Maev stood’ followed by ‘they stood’, but I might have to rework the balustrade bit anyway (in which case, I’ll be able to have ‘Maev stood’). And yes, I did mean ’solid’ in the everyday sense. To be fair to Debbie, ‘it’s not quite malleable, but it’s definitely palpable’ would’ve been more accurate - it just doesn’t sound very nice, lol. And I’ll try to let the reader know that Maev brought Melissa to the pool somewhere.
Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, and I’m glad you guys still liked it despite its flaws - it’s not a complete flop, lol.
Hi Daniel,
I liked how this started. I had no problem with the fact water is a liquid and not a solid bit. It just felt like someone musing on the properties of water.
I would have changed this to ‘……an enchanted eye.” Just seems better to me, after all I, as the reader, don’t know it’s enchanted yet.
As said I like the feel of this bit, that’s to say, the first two paragraphs.
Then, apparently Melissa doesn’t like the look of the pool. She thinks it’s dangerous, yet I quite like the sound of the pool. I don’t understand her dislike of it. All pools have some darkness. I would at least like her to have some physical reaction to the pool — a shudder or something — or perhaps some obvious threat. The darkness doesn’t seem enough.
The next bit — the looking-up and the conversation — threw me. I thought Melissa was by the pool and Maev was on balcony above. Then they seemed to be on the same level, I thought for a second someone else had arrived. I was confused — perhaps it’s just me — and had to reread it.
I’d read on, though.
Adam