Critique #163 — Adam Colston #5
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 31st, 2007
With his eyes shut, Zerpai turned as though still deeply asleep. He half-opened an eye and peered in the direction of the sound.
In front of the gently stirring curtains, four feet away, a figure crouched, almost invisible in the shadows, the barest hint of moonlight illuminating its black robes. The white face-mask it wore seemed to float in the darkness as it turned to look about the room.
Zerpai’s pulse quickened.
A white — a master assassin, he thought, damn.
Keeping his eye on the intruder, Zerpai slowly slid a hand under the pillow to grasp the hilt of his dagger.
The white face-mask turned slowly towards Zerpai.
His heart thumping, Zerpai contemplated his options: stay still and die, fight and die, or call the guards and die.
No choice really, he thought.
Zerpai threw his sheet high, toward the assassin, while he spun onto the floor beside the bed. As his feet touched the stone floor, he launched himself at the figure, his dagger aimed at the assassin’s neck. A moment before the blade found its mark, the assassin twisted away, like smoke in the wind. The dagger was ripped from Zerpai’s grasp, in a blur of movement.
He heard a faint sound behind him, but, as he whirled to face it, the sudden bite of cold steel at his neck, and a silky voice at his ear, made him stop.
“I am not here to kill you, my King,†a woman’s voice said huskily, “but to make you an offer. One you can’t refuse.â€
The middle is great.
The beginning seems to suffer from a flaw in logic and the ending seems cliche.
The flaws in logic (and maybe it’s just my perception) that jump out are:
Barest hint of light illuminating black robes in front of curtains. Maybe it’s no biggie, just feels wrong to me, especially since the character sees them but still feels like the mask is floating.
Does the character recognize the mask right away? That might be better mentioned earlier on.
Still, the middle is quite exciting and well-written.
J
I agree with JB. Keep the middle, rewrite the opening, and think about the last part, which with its silky and husky voiced woman with cold steel held to his neck is cliched.
I already posted a crit for this on Ivy’s site, but I’ll post it here in case anyone disagrees with me
First line - I did assume that he was in a bed, but only because it was the only thing that could possibly make sense. I’d try to find a way of using ‘bed’ or ‘pillow’, or just something to confirm that he is indeed in bed. Else, he could well be standing in the middle of the room, for all we know.
I’d rework the third sentence - the crouching figure is the important thing, not the curtains. I’m not 100% happy with either of these examples, but you get the idea: ‘Four feet away, a figure crouched in front of the gently stirring curtains, almost invisible in the shadows. The barest hint of moonlight illuminated its black robes’ or ‘A figure crouched by the window four feet away, almost invisible in the shadows - the curtains stirred gently, and the barest hint of moonlight illuminated its black robes.
I do like the idea of ‘a white’ and ‘master assassin’, but these people need to be sent back to concealment 101. White masks, however aesthetically pleasing, will stick out like a sore thumb in a dark room, given even the tiniest bit of ambient light. I suppose you could argue that it’s the mark of a master assassin - that they can do their job despite a massive handicap - but it’s something you need to justify at some point.
‘No choice really, he thought’ - I liked the irony in that line. It made me smile.
‘Zerpai threw his sheet high, toward the assassin, while he…’ Firstly, try to get rid of the subordinate clause - those two commas are slowing down the action. Secondly, this bit needs to be quick - instead of ‘while he’, a simple ‘and’ will do; instead of ‘high, towards the assassin…’, you could get away with ‘threw his sheet [high] at the assassin’. Thirdly, I’m not sure about past participles and such, but I think that ’spun’ should be ’span’. That said, I’d find another word altogether - ’spinning from his bed’ is a strange image (I expected him to roll, dive or leap from it). These alternatives give you ‘Zerpai threw his sheet high at the assassin and span to the floor beside his bed’, which doesn’t slow down the action. No, it’s not perfect (the word ‘high’ now sticks out a bit, and you could still change ’span’ to another verb’), but it doesn’t have several [indeed any] pauses in it.
‘As his feet touched the stone floor, he launched’ - again, subordinate clauses slow things down. Also, is it really important that we know it’s a stone floor specifically right now? He is, after all, fighting for his life at the moment. Perhaps either ‘His feet touched the floor, and he launched himself’ [still a subordinate clause, yes, but a shorter one] or indeed just ‘His feet touched the floor and he launched himself’. With either of these, it’s then ok to keep the comma at ‘… figure, his dagger aimed…’, and you get a faster pace.
‘A moment before the blade found its mark, the assassin twisted away…’ - yet another subordinate clause. You’re still saying exactly the same thing if you go ‘The assassin twisted away a moment before the blade found it’s mark, like smoke in the wind’, but you don’t have that extra comma to slow things down.
The last one [’In a blur of movement, the dagger was ripped…’], however, is ok. The sentence is still quite short, and you’ve got the sense of speed with ‘in a blur of movement’ (not to mention the fact that the brief exchange is over, and the situation is changing now).
‘He heard a faint sound behind him, but, as he whirled to face it, the sudden bite of cold steel at his neck, and a silky voice at his ear, made him stop dead’ - this is a veerry clunky sentence (like the curtains one from earlier), and needs re-organising. For a start, get rid of the comma after ‘but’. That done, split this up. There are several important things in this sentence, so give them all some room. Here’s my example [again far from perfect]: ‘He heard a faint sound behind him and whirled to face it - cold steel bit into his neck suddenly; he stopped dead. A silky voice whispered in his ear.’ That one’s also a bit clunky, but it doesn’t have the eight million commas that yours does.
Lastly, would a ’silky’ voice then say something ‘huskily’? Also, ‘one you can’t refuse’ is a bit of a cliché, but I think the irony in this situation makes it ok.
All that said, I did like this opening. Unfortunately, I think that’s because it’s very reminiscent of a scene from one of the books in Jonathan Stroud’s Bartimeus Trilogy (of which I am a big fan). Until the assassin says ‘I am not here to kill you my King’, I’m still expecting Ptolemy to come out from under a table. It also occurs to me that assassin-sent-to-kill/blackmail/otherwise-inconvenience-a-King is a pretty standard storyline. I was more interested in Zerpai BEFORE he was a King, frankly.
Hope this helped
If the white face-mask is clearly visible, then the figure is not “almost invisible.” Perhaps, everything except the white face mask was “almost invisible.” Perhaps drop that phrase from the sentence and say, “…a figure crouched in the shadows, the barest hint of moonlight illuminating its black robes. The white face-mask it wore seemed to float in the darkness as it turned to look about the room.” This still has the problem of the white mask “floating” in darkness when you just stated that the rest of the assassin is faintly visible.
Which begs the question, “why would a master assassin be so foolish as to wear something white that might give his presence away?” Even if they had the skill to pull it off, why do it?
I’m not asking you to change it, but the fact remains that he just listed three choices and acts on a fourth one. I rolled my eyes at this line.
I can’t picture the mechanics of this. Last you said, he was lying on his side in a bed. I just can’t envision how he manages to throw his sheet that high or how he gets out of the bed and hits the floor. Since the sheet was thrown in the direction of the assassin, I was picturing him going off the opposite side of the bed.
Wait, he’s a king? You might want to mention that sooner. I had to totally revise my mental image of the room they’re in. Okay, just why does a king sleep with a dagger under his pillow (especially one that appears to be rather dangerously unsheathed all the time), and why aren’t his guards better positioned to protect him if he feels so unsafe as to need a dagger at hand even when he sleeps?
I’m having a had time imagining this sentence said in a voice both silky and husky at the same time. Maybe pick one or the other?
There are some incorrect uses of commas throughout these first 13 lines, by the way.
Hope this helped.
Maybe I like cliches, but I liked the cold steel against the neck description. So, for those of you who didn’t like it, what are you suggesting? Or am I missing something? What about this cliche is sterotypic that should be avoided? What is overdone about it? Would love to hear more about this. Thanks!
it’s the phrase “cold steel” and that it is at his neck that is the cliche. You can have the same imagery, phrased differently, to suggest that the blade is pressed into his neck, and the metal is very cold, or that he feels it as surprisingly cold, or whatever. Sometimes going for a clear image it’s easy to set down cliched words instead of the specific detail that will evoke the same thing more vividly.
Thanks, Kate! I see now. Yes, I’ve found myself falling into these sometimes. Argh. Re-reading is how I’ve found them. First drafts just to get the scene down is where they show up in my writings usually.
Hi
Thanks for everyones comments. I am sorry I have been unable to reply, but I was on holiday in France. I submitted this about six weeks ago and have subsequently re-read it a number of times. I think there are things about it I like, but I have no quibble with the comments made as they reflect my feelings.
Debbie..
I am sure fighting the white mask was one of the options! Also the white mask was cult of assassins whereby you started with a black mask as a ‘novice assassin’ and worked your way up. It was an honor to be a white mask, and the fact they could infiltrate somewhere and dispatch someone gave them legendary status. At least in the little world behind my eyeballs.
Thanks, Kate, for your comment but I have a question. I only wrote the cold steel line because I thought it such a commonplace phrase it was barely noticeable. How do you know when to draw the line?
Thanks for the comments
Adam