Critique #166 — Len Bains #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy September 1st, 2007
Ravens! Always the ravens. They settled on the gables of the church even before the injured became the dead. Even before Rike had finished taking fingers from hands, and rings from fingers. I leaned back against the gallows-post and nodded to the birds, a dozen of them in a black line, wise-eyed and watching.
The town-square ran red. Blood in the gutters, blood on the flagstones, blood in the fountain. The corpses posed as corpses do. Some comical, reaching for the sky with missing fingers, some peaceful, coiled about their wounds. Flies rose above the wounded as they struggled. This way and that, some blind, some sly, all betrayed by their buzzing entourage. “Water! Water!” It’s always water with the dying. Strange - it’s killing that gives me a thirst.
And that was Mabberton. Two hundred dead farmers lying with their scythes and axes. You know, I warned `em that we do this for a living. I said it to their leader, Bovid Tor. I gave them that chance, I always do. But no. They wanted blood and slaughter. And they got it.
Wow. Excellent. I guess these critiques are supposed to find something wrong, but the only thing I didn’t like was the first line.
Is this part of a nearly finished manuscript?
Actually, I really liked “Ravens! Always the ravens.” - I thought it set the tone. It made me laugh out loud, and in a good way.
I’m not sure this is my kind of thing in terms of reading on, but I think you capture the narrator’s voice.
Hey Len :).
Very nice indeed - it’s morbid I know, but I loved your second paragraph. But then, I love the whole thing - I’ve just been reading Joe Abercrombie’s ‘Before the are Hanged’, so this is right up my street.
I can usually find SOMETHING to complain about in an opening, but frankly I think this is flawless. I know it’s a little presumptuous of me to ask, but for pure enjoyment’s sake I’d love to read more of this (if there is any), so if you want my opinion on it feel free to e-mail me at blue_phoenix86@hotmail.com
‘Loved it’ is all I have to say, really - sorry :p.
Daniel.
This is excellent. It might end up being a tad too violent for my wimpy taste, but voice, images, tone, everything is superb.
Well, I guess I’m just too nit-picky to please. None of these nit-picks would have kept me from reading further, but I did have three small “huh?” moments.
As I read this, I wondered why Rike was taking fingers from hands: does he collect fingers as a hobby? For proof for a bounty? Either is gruesome. Then I finished the sentence and figured that you meant he was cutting off only the fingers with rings to better steal the rings. Perhaps there is a better way to word this, but I can’t immediately think of one that would also keep the “voice.”
From the previous description, I was envisioning the aftermath of a battle. The mention of the gallows post suddenly made me wonder if all these people had been hung. Yet that doesn’t fit the description given before or after. By the end of the first 13 lines, I was still uncertain exactly how these people had died and what the gallows had to do with that. If the description of what happen is coming soon, then this isn’t really a problem.
Perhaps you know something about corpses that I don’t, but I don’t see how a dead person could maintain are arm reaching for the sky…especially if Rike has disturbed them to cut off those fingers. Don’t muscles relax at death? I’d read on, though, to find out if there was a good reason why these corpses weren’t acting like I expected.
Hope this helped.
Yeah, add me to the request list for this one via e-mail too. Actually, is it too early to start a fan group for you? Seriously good stuff.