Critique #168 — Daniel Woods #5
Kevin Andrew Murphy September 1st, 2007
The morning was cold; the wind howled as it rushed through the great oak trees like a wild animal, and the sun rose gently over the horizon casting shadows in the twilight. Crouching silently in the undergrowth, Faye Cartwright swept the forest with her deadly gaze, and took aim with her Windwood Bow. Death poised eagerly on the tips of her arrows. Together, they hunted. Together, they killed.
She drew back the shot.
Snap: the bowstring tautened, and she launched her arrow into the semi-darkness. The air hissed as it passed. Death laughed cruelly from the arrowhead as its target loomed: the kill was imminent, the arrow unbearably close.
Thud. A rabbit skittered away, startled. Faye blinked.
‘Bollocks,’ she said.
There was a slightly strangled noise off to one side – like a stifled laugh or an aborted snort. Faye’s eyes narrowed.
‘Bravo’ drawled a voice. ‘Masterful. Such grace. Such skill! What a display – I applaud.’ And it did – there was clapping. Faye glanced irritably in the voice’s direction, and saw a tall, black-robed figure brooding in the shadows.
‘Shut up,’ she said, ‘that was tonight’s meal you dolt. And spare me the theatrics, please. Long black robes indeed, what do you think you look like?’
‘Hmpf.’ With an elaborate gesture and a billowing of cloth and blackness, the figure disappeared.
More please.
I would read more.
I like the tonal contrast and the unexpected reversals.
But careful with those tonal contrasts - forex, “Bravo” drawled a voice. - and then you describe the figure as “brooding” although it struck me as more sarcastic than brooding.
Also, first sentence.
You really need say no more than “the wind howled through the great oak trees” - if it’s howling, it’s rushing, and “like a wild animal” is unnecessary.
Hard upon that, the sun rises “gently.” It’s a strange image set immediately the howling. If you want the contrast, then point it a bit more. Depending on what point of view you’re writing from (hers, an omniscient narrator, etc) you can be more or less aware of setting up a deliberate tonal contrast and let the audience know you know. If that makes sense.
Like Kate, I had a problem with ‘like a wild animal’ and the sun rising ‘gently’. I also had trouble with the casting of shadows in twilight, when my understanding of twilight is that this is the time after the sun vanishes, so the shadows and light are diffuse.
I also had trouble with the ‘brooding’ as the word implies, to me, a silent lurking about in sorry solitude, and this figure seems to be both lively and acerb–but that’s it. I really enjoyed the sudden shift in tone, the applauding. My interest began to pick up and I was eager to read on.
Minor note: you were using a hyphen in place of an em-dash. (not - but –). The single quotes also stood out, though maybe you are posting from England, which I understand uses single quotes.
Thanks to everyone for reading. To Kate and Sherwood, I guess the first line isn’t working as I’d hoped, so here’s my new version - better/worse?
‘The morning was cold; the wind howled through the great oak trees causing branches to sway eerily in the twilight, but nothing else moved. The sun would be up soon, the cover of darkness lost. Crouching silently in the undergrowth…’
With ‘brooding’, that was meant to be tongue-in-cheek (Death is trying to be dramatic and ominous, and Faye’s having none of it), but I guess that isn’t coming through. I had toyed with ’skulking’ or ‘lurking’, but they didn’t seem to work either. I can’t think of a word (short of ’standing’) that works any better, so I might have to change the sentence (’tall, black-robed figure regarding her solemnly’ or something). Any suggestions?
Oh, re em-dash vs. hyphens, I’m afraid that’s just a proof-reading error on my part - Word changes them automatically, and I forgot to go back and get rid of them before submission (though, I must admit, I wasn’t really sure what the difference is). And yep, I’m posting from England, hence the single quotes.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and comments :).
Hope you don’t mind if I only respond to part of the story…the Death character.
‘Bravo’ drawled a voice. ‘Masterful. Such grace. Such skill! What a display – I applaud.’ And it did – there was clapping. Faye glanced irritably in the voice’s direction, and saw a tall, black-robed figure brooding in the shadows.
Less words seems to make for a more ominous character to me. So first, I’d suggest you shorten the dialogue of Death, choosing the most descriptive words that you want to portray for the Reader to see in his/her head. Is the clapping slow? Fast? Describe the clapping using words that describe Death characteristically.
That Faye is irritable with Death is cool. She does not fear Death. Sets tone for her character. The verb “saw� is so problematic for me. Too passive. What can you do to make that figure noticeable, giving Death character again. I like your ‘…regarding her solemnly.’ Although, I’m not sure you want him ‘solemn.’ He is laughing at her, yes? Perhaps regarding her “darkly� or “assuredly�…whatever describes his attitude or shows “theatrics.�
‘Shut up,’ she said, ‘that was tonight’s meal you dolt. And spare me the theatrics, please. Long black robes indeed, what do you think you look like?’
Not sure what is the purpose of the last phrase in her dialog. What is that about? What does this describe for the Reader. Just questions for you.
‘Hmpf.’ With an elaborate gesture and a billowing of cloth and blackness, the figure disappeared.
Gosh. How is that spelled? Humph? Maybe British there too. Don’t know. I like your description of Death disappearing. Just not sure about the believability of Death getting irritated with Faye. Guess I need more of the story, but Death seems pretty wimpy here. Not much of a challenge for Faye. Depends on what you want.
Am still intrigued, however.
Hey Sengai, thanks for reading (and no probs on just commenting on Death).
I had considered scrapping ‘What a display’, but I hadn’t thought to describe the clapping itself. In my head, it’s slow, sarcastic clapping, so I guess I ought to mention that somewhere.
Death is indeed laughing at her, lol. I guess the ’solemnly’ creates the same problem as ‘brooding’ did - Death is trying to be an imposing figure, but he’s also making fun of Faye. Since, however, we’re seeing him through Faye’s eyes, he can’t seem like he’s actually an imposing figure, and that’s where the problem seems to occur. I think. Hmm.
‘what do you think you look like’ is an English phrase meaning ‘you look riddiculous and you’re embarassing yourself / making an
exhibition of yourself’ - really, the ‘do’ should be italicised (since that’s how it’s said if spoken aloud, if that makes sense).
Haha, yes, wasn’t quite sure on the exact spelling of ‘hmpf’. My excuse is that it’s onomatopoeic, and it’s more noise than word. Nevertheless, if there is an actual way of writing it, I shall defer to it. As for Death disappearing, he actually doesn’t, that’s just because of where I cut this off. Here’s the whole line:
Death could, of course, kill [or 'take', I suppose] Faye at any moment, but he won’t, and she knows that. He has too much fun following her around; ‘Death is on holiday’ was the premise of this story (though obviously you can’t tell that from just these opening lines).
Thanks for reading and for your comments :).
You can turn them off permanently if you like. Also, smart quotes.
As for the story, the part that stopped me was the Snap: the bowstring tautened… The way I read this, the bowstring grew taut as she released the arrow. In actuality, the bowstring tautens as you draw it back; once you let go, it loosens (so far as it can loosen while the bow is still strung).
Seaboe
Hey Seaboe. You’re right about the bowstring, come to think of it - I guess ‘taughtened’ is the wrong word. And, after much faffing about, I finally convinced Word to stop creating dashes automatically, lol - thanks for the tip :).
For others using Word and wanting to get rid of smart quotes (the curly ones) em dashes and so forth, it’s Tools -> AutoCorrect Options -> AutoFormat As You Type and uncheck anything you don’t want.
Seaboe
[comments in text & at the end]
The morning was cold; the wind howled as it rushed through
[it was a dark & stormy night.... opening with the weather is a bad and very over-used idea]
the great oak trees like a wild animal, and the sun rose gently over the horizon casting shadows in the twilight.
[for me, this sentence is unweildy and contains no hook]
Crouching silently in the undergrowth, Faye Cartwright swept the forest with her deadly gaze, and took aim with her Windwood Bow.
[I don't like full name introductions - weakens POV]
Death poised eagerly on the tips of her arrows.
[too purple, especially this early on, win me first.]
[you're hitting the adverbs quite hard - too hard for me]
Together, they hunted. Together, they killed.
She drew back the shot.
[sounds odd/wrong]
Snap: the bowstring tautened, and she launched her arrow into the semi-darkness.
[surely the bowstring becomes less taut when released?]
The air hissed as it passed. Death laughed cruelly from the arrowhead as its target loomed: the kill was imminent, the arrow unbearably close.
[ouch! too purple by far - still loading on the -lys too]
[we're getting this in slo-mo... why?]
‘Bravo[,]’ drawled a voice.
black-robed figure brooding in the shadows.
[in what sense is it brooding? He's doling out sarcasm...]
Not for me this one. It doesn’t give me anything unique either in character or situation to hang my hat on. The whole ‘death on the arrowhead’ thing was the nail in the coffin. I would ask myself, ‘what question do I leave the reader with?’ Here I have someone hunting their dinner and someone watching. Yes the watcher does vanish, but that’s not novel enough for this reader. I want some stronger foreshadowing of interesting character or threat. Where’s the tension here?
Len
Hey Len, thanks for your honesty.
I must admit, I’m not sure what you mean by ‘too purple’. Other than that:
Nobody seemed to like that opening line, so it’s being changed. I wanted something seemingly grand, to help set up the tone and make the switch more pronounced (hence the full name introduction - it wasn’t some girl, it was Faye Cartwright). For the adverbs, I suppose I could safely drop one here and there, but it’s all part of the same thing.
Seaboe already caught the bowstring thing, which I hadn’t noticed until then.
The slo-mo was deliberate - I’m building an anti-climax to put the tone-shift on. The net result was supposed to be humour (sarcasm, more specifically).
No-one else seemed to get what I was going for with brooding, either. It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek (”brooding” as opposed to brooding). Death wants to look dramatic - he isn’t actually brooding in the slightest, he just wants to look like he is. Nevertheless, that isn’t coming through, so I’m working on an alternative for it.
***
The hook was meant to be the shift in tone and the relationship between the two characters. The question in the background is ‘why is Death following this girl around, and why isn’t she afraid of him?’, but mostly I just wanted people to enjoy seeing how these two bounce off each other.
I guess that didn’t work for you, but thanks for reading anyway.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose
I see.