I didn’t mind the swear word, not under the circumstances. I actually thought it was a good shorthand for the shock. It is true, though, that some readers (like Sengei) will react negatively to such a word - fair enough, because in many situations I am put off by egregious use of swear words. This didn’t bother me, though.

I did find the first paragraph choppy. It’s not quite lined up right, I think, although several of the sentences are just fine as is (I liked the first, third, and fifth). I think you do need the transitional sentences, but like Madeleine I couldn’t parse When I need to stop I go fishing. And the second sentence is a bit vague.

Otherwise, though - as I said - I want to know what happens next.

Stephen King has a lot to say on swearing in dialog, and I’ll admit, it does describe a character. I mean, grandma swearing “horsefeathers!” IS pretty descriptive.

Instead, can you SHOW the frustration or irritation or anger without resorting to swearing? What does his expression look like? The color of his skin or the bulging of eyes in shock. Describing his reaction would be much more interesting and less likely to jar me out of the story.

I also have problems with “When I need to stop I go fishing.” Stop what? Ordinarily I wouldn’t need to know that right now, but the way you’ve phrased it makes my curiosity about what is being “stopped” more urgent.

Mostly it’s housekeeping. Have you read the piece aloud? It’s a good way to catch things that may snag the reader.

Well, I did and didn’t like this. I can’t decide whether the present tense works or not. Present tense gives an immediacy that isn’t always necessary. Your first paragraph, for example, is about ‘zoning out’ and relaxing. It’s hard to get into that frame of mind when you’re talking in present tense. ‘I relaxed’ is more laid back than ‘I am relaxing’ (or, at least to me it is). Then, however, you’ve got your second paragraph, which is building up to a panic - the present tense works quite well there. It’s very difficult to switch between past and present (and do it well) in the space of two paragraphs, so I’m not suggesting you just swap all the ‘am’s for ‘was’s at the start, but it’s something to think about.

Other than that, here are some line-by-line thoughts.

‘The cold bite of the southern wind, salt on the breeze’ is [I believe] a sentence fragment. I ground to a halt at this, and re-read it over and over, trying to figure out how it fits in to the rest of the story. Is it continuing on from the last sentence [i.e. 'not taking any notice of much - not the cold bite of the southern wind, nor the salt on the breeze']? It is a lone piece of description ['The cold bite of the southern wind stings my eyes - must be the salt on the breeze']?

I’d put a comma after ’stop’ in ‘When I need to stop I go fishing’.

I found ‘gives up’ in ‘it gives up none of the secrets’ a bit awkward - ‘reveals’, or perhaps ‘releases’ would also work.

‘A bit of flotsam’ - personally, I’d prefer ‘piece’ instead of ‘bit’.

‘powered by the wake of a container ship’ - is it really powered by the wake, or just caught in it?

‘As it gets closer I see something that makes the world freeze’ - the ‘makes the world freeze’ is a little cliché for my taste. Frankly, I think it works better if you cut it out and just have ‘As it gets closer I see something. My heart skips a beat, and I start to shake’. Then you’d just need one more little something, and it’d lead on nicely to ‘Among the rubbish and driftwood is an arm’.

So would I read on? Yes, I think so - my interest is caught by the end. It’s the first paragraph mainly that’s throwing me off.

Hope this helped :).