Critique #171 — M.T. #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy September 5th, 2007
Groggy, I stare at the gruel sitting on the table. I can’t smell it. The cold wind makes me shudder; I stand to go back to my bed. But Arion stops me.
“Eat your gruel, my lord,” he says softly. He looks quickly at the door, which is open. The light outside slips in through the crack, blinding me. I groan and fall into the warm covers of my bed. I mutter, “Wake me up later.”
“You will eat your gruel now.”
I scowl at him. “I’m not hungry.”
Arion stands and grabs the bowl of gruel and walks to my bedside.
This is not un-catchy–but the first graph seems to zig around a bit. I’m not sure what relation not being able to smell the gruel has to the cold wind, but the way you’ve written it it seems as thouugh there should be some connection.
If it’s cold, why is the door open? And if the narrator is an adult (and a lord) who is Arion to order him around?
I get some emotion here, but am wanting more description to paint the picture more clearly.
…but Arion stops me.
Describe how he stops him. He bars his way, puts an arm out…
“Eat your gruel, my lord,” he says softly.
What is Arion’s expression here? Maybe that would explain how he can order his lord around. Maybe a description of age?
The words, scowl, stand, walk…though quick and simple (if you want this), could be painted more intricately, using more complex words or colorful words. Am I making sense? I’d still read on, but you’ve got to explain some things pretty soon or drop some clues, I’ll lose interest.
Hi,
I must say I prsonally dislike the present tense. It always feels false, to me. It puts me off reading stuff. The prose seems a bit stilted. Perhaps I shouldn’t comment on it any further as I think the tense is affecting how I view the piece
I’m a bit thrown off by the cold and the door. You start off with a cold wind inside the room. You do mention the door is open but then light slips in through the crack.
Is the door open wide or slightly ajar? If open, which would explain the wind inside the room, what crack is the light coming through?
And if it is so cold and windy inside the room, what is keeping his bed covers warm?
Also, I take it the main character is a child? If he is also a lord, why is he sitting in a dark cold windy room being forced to eat gruel?
That alone sparks my interest to want to know what’s happening. I just think tightening up the description of the room and the elements will help draw me into feeling what the main character is experiencing rather than being pushed out of the story in confusion.
I don’t care for present tense, so that’s going to alienate me right there. Sorry.
Beyond that, the sentence structure is staccato, jerky. The information presented (sensory details, descriptions) seem presented in almost random order. This needs editing to help it flow more smoothly and logically.
I apologize for not replying right away- I’ll get to it either tomorrow or Tuesday.
… :/
Alrighty then. First off, thanks for the helpful comments. They’ve helped me further pinpoint what I’m having trouble with. …at least, what I think I’m having trouble with.
Hence my question(s): am I depending too much on implication here? And not enough on context?
What I was trying to express is that the narrator’s ill. His illness makes it so that he can’t smell the gruel (plus the fact that the wind’s cooled it off), that he has to eat the gruel, and that he can’t really concentrate on the world around him.
(On the gruel: I guess this could be a case of cultural differences, but as a Chinese person my parents tend to feed me a mixture of water+rice called congee whenever I’m ill. Since congee seems very similar to gruel, I sort of…well…made that connection.)
I admit that the present tense + lack of elaborated description was an experiment of sorts, because the narrator strikes me as the sort of person who would ‘think’ that way. Since it doesn’t seem to be working, though, I’ll discard it.
To Charles: Yes, he’s a child. His bed covers are still warm because he just got out of them. The point about the open door is noted, though, because I’m not sure why it’s open either.
Once again, thanks.