Alrighty then. First off, thanks for the helpful comments. They’ve helped me further pinpoint what I’m having trouble with. …at least, what I think I’m having trouble with.

Hence my question(s): am I depending too much on implication here? And not enough on context?

What I was trying to express is that the narrator’s ill. His illness makes it so that he can’t smell the gruel (plus the fact that the wind’s cooled it off), that he has to eat the gruel, and that he can’t really concentrate on the world around him.

(On the gruel: I guess this could be a case of cultural differences, but as a Chinese person my parents tend to feed me a mixture of water+rice called congee whenever I’m ill. Since congee seems very similar to gruel, I sort of…well…made that connection.)

I admit that the present tense + lack of elaborated description was an experiment of sorts, because the narrator strikes me as the sort of person who would ‘think’ that way. Since it doesn’t seem to be working, though, I’ll discard it.

To Charles: Yes, he’s a child. His bed covers are still warm because he just got out of them. The point about the open door is noted, though, because I’m not sure why it’s open either.

Once again, thanks.

Is the door open wide or slightly ajar? If open, which would explain the wind inside the room, what crack is the light coming through?

And if it is so cold and windy inside the room, what is keeping his bed covers warm?

Also, I take it the main character is a child? If he is also a lord, why is he sitting in a dark cold windy room being forced to eat gruel?

That alone sparks my interest to want to know what’s happening. I just think tightening up the description of the room and the elements will help draw me into feeling what the main character is experiencing rather than being pushed out of the story in confusion.

I must say I prsonally dislike the present tense. It always feels false, to me. It puts me off reading stuff. The prose seems a bit stilted. Perhaps I shouldn’t comment on it any further as I think the tense is affecting how I view the piece

…but Arion stops me.

Describe how he stops him. He bars his way, puts an arm out…

“Eat your gruel, my lord,” he says softly.

What is Arion’s expression here? Maybe that would explain how he can order his lord around. Maybe a description of age?

The words, scowl, stand, walk…though quick and simple (if you want this), could be painted more intricately, using more complex words or colorful words. Am I making sense? I’d still read on, but you’ve got to explain some things pretty soon or drop some clues, I’ll lose interest.

If it’s cold, why is the door open? And if the narrator is an adult (and a lord) who is Arion to order him around?