Critique #174 — Adam Colston #6
Kevin Andrew Murphy September 10th, 2007
“W…will it hurt?â€? the girl said in a small voice that barely crossed the damp cell.
Joshua looked up from the flagstone he had been using to sharpen the knife. The mote of elf-light spun a few feet higher to give him a view of the girl’s face.
“I don’t know.�
He looked down, away from her large brown eyes.
“I suppose it will – for a moment,� he continued. He tested the edge of the blade with his thumb “ – but I’ll try to do it quickly.�
The blade was kitchen-sharp. He carefully put it behind his back on the floor.
“And you are s…sure I will be able to come back?â€?
“I have brought back others from the dead,� he assured her, “As long as the body still has some of its own warmth left, it can be done.�
He knew the ritual words. He had even seen Master Basias do it, but Joshua had only ever healed the nearly dead before — never the dead.
There was no other way, and he knew it. The granite blocks they had used to wall them in would not budge, and he had used all his strength.
“When you pass on, you must call for Master Basias. Call loudly, and tell him where we are. When your body is cold to my touch, I shall heal your wound and revive you. It will be like waking from a beautiful sleep.�
The small girl smiled bravely, but her body began to shake.
“Come sit by me.� Joshua patted the ground next to him.
Hey Adam.
Nice opening, I’d read on, no real complaints - just a couple of things.
* Kitchen-sharp; sharp as a kitchen! Yes, I know what you mean by it, lol, but I’ve never been a fan of kitchen-sharp knives.
* ‘The mote of elf-light spun a few feet higher’ - the word ‘mote’ is usually used to refer to a dust particle. Hence, you’ve got a tiny speck of light that is in some way similar to a mote of dust. Thus, I expected the elf-light to drift (or something similarly passive) rather than spin.
* “I have brought back others from the dead,â€? he assured her, “As long… - we all know that I’m no expert on speech punctuation, but should this be ‘dead,” he assured her. “As long…’?
* “And you are s…sure I will be able to come back?â€? - can’t decide whether I like this second use of the stutter or not. Thought I may as well point at it.
That’s pretty much it for my nitpicking - I liked it and would turn the page :).
I’d read on.
This sentence
was a little confusing, since you use they and them practically back to back to refer to two different groups of people. Please consider giving their enemies a name.
Seaboe
What this opening has going for it is that it dumps us right into a disturbing and deadly situation. Both characters are facing very serious problems with many potential complications. I’d definitely read on, though maybe with one eye closed. [g]
There were some consistency problems, though.
Compare the following–
to this–
And this–
to this–
Hi,
Daniel,
The mote is meant to be a tiny speck of light, therefore dust-like. The guy is meant to be a healer primarily, and not good at other forms of magic. A mote of light is all he can summon.
I wasn’t sure of the second stutter. Is there a rule to say once you have established the stutter that it is implied from then on?
Not sure about the speech tag — but I think you are right.
Ta.
Seaboe,
I didn’t spot the ‘them’ and ‘they’. It would be clearer to say ‘the soldiers’.
Thanks.
Beth S.
He assures but it is a lie! When i first wrote it the speech tag was he lied, but I thought finding out the lie later was better.
When someone dies they slowly loose body heat over quite a few hours, but the body only needs to loose a few degrees before it will feel cold to my touch. Think about what a few degrees does when you have a fever.
I hope those were the points you were making — I was unsure. If not, post what the issue was.
Thanks
Adam
Heya :).
It’s not a problem with ‘mote’ that I had, just with the use of ’spun’ in conjunction with it (due to the dust-like nature of the light).
I don’t think there’s a rule about stutters being implicit one they’re established - I think it was just a bit soon after the last one to use it. After all, she doesn’t have an ACTUAL stutter (in which case, you would have to write it every time), it’s a fear stutter. Having two fear-stutters this close together is a bit like going ‘There he was - Jane gasped with shock. He couldn’t be here. Suddenly, the door burst open - she gasped with shock’.
Daniel.
Very cool beginning -
If Joshua wasn’t the POV character then finding out later he lied works for me as a reader. However, since he is the POV character, if he is lying I, as the reader, want to know he’s lying as he does it.
If a POV character lies to the reader then it pulls me right out of the story.
Just my opinion, I don’t know how others feel about this.
I didn’t see it as lying as such - I thought he was just ‘bending the truth’. He’s trying to get this poor girl to let him kill and resurrect her - telling her he’s never done it before isn’t exactly going to help matters. If you take it as lying, he’s speaking to the girl when he lies, so he’s lying to her (not us). When he reveals that he’s actually never done it before, it’s part of the narrative, so he’s speaking to us (in a sense).
I’d leave it as it is on that point, personally.
Daniel and Charles,
I pretty much wrote it as Daniel interpreted it. I changed the tag is it felt more important to accent the assurance he was giving her, rather than the lie. I qualify his experience almost immediately in the next paragraph.
What do others think?
I am actually going to use this as scenario in a novel I am writing. I thought it would be a good way out of a ‘no-win’ situation.
Adam
Oh yeah…the elf-light. I saw it as buzzing about like Tinkerbell from Peter Pan — more active than dust, and under Joshua’s control.
Wow, a novel eh? I’d love to read some of it sometime :).
Sure, I am going to put the first chapter on critters soonish. This bit is about halfway through (I haven’t written that far yet!), and happens to secondary character.
But I’ll give you a heads-up when I do, if you are still interested.
Ooo, yes please. A heads-up would be useful - my visits to critters are a little… sporadic, lol; I may miss you without a prior warning :p. You know what I’m like with annotations, but I’ll make sure to do you a general crit as soon as I’ve read it :).
Well, this is certainly going to get me to turn the page, but Beth pretty much nailed my objections. I wouldn’t mind a “he lied” and if he’s trying to be reassuring, have him say he’ll revive her when she “begins to cool” or somesuch. Or he can just wait a while after he stabs her. One assumes that after the master hears the screaming soul, he isn’t going to need an extended conversation.
In any case, a killer beginning, and I’m certainly turning the page.
The fact that you had to explain it to me (and that Kevin had the same interpretation I did) shows that you didn’t communicate what you had envisioned.
It’s fine to have him lie, nor does the reader have to know he’s lying, not right off. Maybe you could wait until later, after she’s dead, to let us know that he’s never actually done this before. The shock will be ever so much more…shocking. [g] And ditto on Kevin’s fix concerning the wording about body temp. The way you have it, it really does look like a goof.
Adam, an effective opening. I would turn the page.
I like how you reveal the conflict (and it’s a big one) through their conversation, not through infodump. Also, of course, you show a lot about their relationship without stating it.
Otherwise, what Beth and Kevin said. You need a fine touch with the business of lying/giving assurances, but with careful tweaking you can make it work.
I personally as a reader would not have minded a tad bit more setting (smell, texture, taste, hearing, etc), but that’s just my personal quirk. You don’t have to have it if you’re not inclined to such. And it would just be a tiny bit of grounding, not a lot (a lot would, of course, throw off the pacing).
I have mad those changes suggested.
Kevin-tag line has been changed.
Kate- A few more bits of description (not much, I know. But as you say, I have to watch how it plays with the pacing.)
REVISED:
“W…will it hurt?� the girl said in a small voice that barely crossed the damp cell.
Joshua looked up from the flagstone he had been using to sharpen the knife. The mote of elf-light spun a few feet higher to give him a view of the girl’s face.
“I don’t know.�
He looked down, away from her large brown eyes.
“I suppose it will – for a moment,� he continued. He tested the edge of the blade with his thumb “ – but I’ll try to do it quickly.�
The blade was razor-sharp. He carefully put it behind his back on the cold floor.
“And you are s…sure I will be able to come back?�
“I have brought back others from the dead,� he lied confidently, “As long as the body still has some of its own warmth left, it can be done.�
He knew the ritual words. He had even seen Master Basias do it, but Joshua had only ever healed the nearly-dead before — never the dead.
There was no other way, and he knew it. The granite blocks the soldiers had used to wall them in would not budge, and he had used all his strength.
“When you pass on, you must call for Master Basias. Call loudly, and tell him where we are. When your body has grown cool, I shall heal your wound and revive you. It will be like waking from a beautiful sleep.�
The small girl smiled bravely, but her body began to shake.
Joshua took a deep breath of the fetid air, and smiled as calmly as he could.
“Come sit by me.� He patted the ground next to him.
BETTER OR WORSE?
I’d get rid of the ‘confidently’ (since I get the impression he’s anything but - otherwise, he would have done it sooner, and not waited until ‘there was no other way’) in ‘he lied confidently’. Otherwise, good.
What Daniel said. Ditch “confidently.”
And you don’t really need to say “he lied. It could be something like:
“I’ve brought others back from the dead.” In actual fact, he’d only healed the nearly dead before–never the entirely dead.
And “after your body has grown cool” still appears to contradict “still has warmth left.”
Perhaps–
“Before your body grows cold, I shall heal your wound…”
Hi…
How about:
“I have brought back others from the dead.� The lie seemed to close his throat, making him cough. “As long as the body still has some of its own warmth left, it can be done.�
That, at least, that was true. He knew the ritual words. He had even seen Master Basias do it, but Joshua had only ever healed the nearly-dead before — never the dead.
And:
“When you pass on, you must call for Master Basias. Call loudly, and tell him where we are. Before your body grows cool, I shall heal your wound and revive you. It will be like waking from a moment of beautiful sleep.�
Yay or Nay?
Yay!!
Final then:
“W…will it hurt?� the girl said in a small voice that barely crossed the damp cell.
Joshua looked up from the flagstone he had been using to sharpen the knife. The mote of elf-light spun a few feet higher to give him a view of the girl’s face.
“I don’t know.�
He looked down, away from her large brown eyes.
“I suppose it will – for a moment,� he continued. He tested the edge of the blade with his thumb “ – but I’ll try to do it quickly.�
The blade was razor-sharp. He carefully put it behind his back on the cold floor.
“And you are sure I will be able to come back?�
“I have brought back others from the dead.� The lie seemed to close his throat, making him cough. “As long as the body still has some of its own warmth left, it can be done.�
That, at least, that was true. He knew the ritual words. He had even seen Master Basias do it, but Joshua had only ever healed the nearly-dead before — never the dead.
There was no other way, and he knew it. The granite blocks the soldiers had used to wall them in would not budge, and he had used all his strength.
“When you pass on, you must call for Master Basias. Call loudly, and tell him where we are. Before your body grows cool, I shall heal your wound and revive you. It will be like waking from a moment of beautiful sleep.�
The small girl smiled bravely, but her body began to shake.
Joshua took a deep breath of the fetid air, and smiled as calmly as he could.
“Come sit by me.� He patted the ground next to him.
Adam -
I really like the changes. Knowing he lies and that he feels remorse but finds himself in a situation where he must - to the point of possibly sending the girl to her death - really heightens my reaction and sucks me in. Not only am I eager to see whether they will be successful, but I am anxious to discover why it is so imperative he escape.
I imagine that there has to be more involved than him simply not wanting to be locked up.
Well, it makes my heart start to pound there at the end, so I guess it works. [g]
I like it, I think the changes were for the better; it’s important that the protagonist feel the heinousness (is that a word?) of what he’s about to do, no matter how necessary. I would, maybe, eliminate the cough here:
A cough, right there, would be too audible a telegraph (even to a small child) that it might be a lie. It might cause unease in someone who ought to be trusting. How about “…the lie seemed to close his throat for a moment; he forced himself to go on.” That way the struggle is only inner.
Or maybe I’m just being too picky.
Personally, I preferred ‘”I have brought back others from the dead,” he lied’ :p. That said, I think Miriam’s right about the cough - it reads oddly, and it doesn’t exactly help his credibility :p. I know it’s a cliché, but my suggestion is having something like ‘”I have brought back others from the dead.” The lie seemed to catch in his throat’ (or maybe ‘…dead,” he said, the lie catching in his throat).
But then, it’s not my piece. When all’s said and done, everyone reacts a little differently to each sentence / paragraph, and we’ve already established that this is a page-turner - one sentence won’t change that :).
Daniel, Miriam, Charles and Beth S.,
I tried ‘catching in his throat’ but didn’t like what I got. Also tried it without the the cough. I went for the cough in the end (more of a quick clear of the throat). I think you are right though, we can argue over word choice for ever. I think it’s generally pretty O.K. So I am done with it!
Adam
My first question is–where did he get the knife from? Didn’t his jailers disarm him?
If he’s trying to be reassuring, why answer her “will it hurt?” with “I don’t know.” Doctors always tell kids it’s not going to hurt, even if they know full well it is. On second thought, that’s why kids never trust doctors.
I’d like to know the girl’s name. They’ve been in a cell together, it seems for a while. He would have asked by now, wouldn’t he?
I like it overall and want to read more.
Ivy,
As said this is scene from a novel — I had to tailor it be an intro — and it may well be the ‘intro’ of a chapter.
In the story they are actually stuck in caves — the enemy have caused a cave in, trapping them. He has the knife because the enemy never ‘met’ them to take it off him. When I wrote it as an intro for 13-lines, I had the soldier throw the knife in just before the wall-in was completed. A sort of mock gesture of kindness ‘you can always kill yourselves’ or something. I took it out as it used a lot of words, figuring people can often hide a small blade on their person.
Yeah I should have named the girl — they have been together for a while — her name is Hannah.
Yup - it worked for me. I have a minor gripe regarding the girl being called ‘the girl’ and the ‘little girl’. Joshua is our POV (or at least it settles into him here) and presumably he knows her name? You could also bring her to life more, and thereby heighten that hooky tension, by giving us a few visuals through Joshua relating to her fear & indirectly illuminating them both.
Len
I should have named her in the intro. Her name is Hannah.
I take your point about bring her to life.
Thanks for reading.
…
I haven’t been on Deep Genre for quite a while now, when I submitted some truly awful 13-liners under the (yet again, truly awful) pen name Taensray Lewins.
(Check them out: somewhere just over the 100 mark!)
I really liked your 13-liner … as for the cough-or-no-cough dilemma, I agree that it would be too much of a clear sign of lying, but coughing discreetly would work. As has been said, different people have different ideas when they read something, but…
To me, the sentence just seems unfinished, incomplete. Reading it in my mind, it sounds like more needs to be said. I really can’t think of any way to make this better — I think I’ll just have to accept it as a strange quirk of mine, and congratulate you on some good writing
By the way, you said this is the opening of a novel — I thought some people were quite fierce about only short story openings being critiqued on here? Maybe it’s changed? I remember when I was on here (nearly a year ago?) that quite a few peeps were told off for this!
I’m perhaps rambling a bit now, but since becoming an on-line book reviewer, my writing seems to have improved … you’ll have the dubious pleasure of reading some on here soon, I hope!
Bye Bye, people
It’s nice to come back,
~Chris
Christopher,
Naughty me! It was really a short story — I just found a way to weave it in to novel I am writing. So now it’s not the start of short story or novel, but will be the start of scene.
I am removing the cough and leaving it ‘…The lie seemed to close his throat, but he continued, “…’
Or something like that.
Adam