Naughty me! It was really a short story — I just found a way to weave it in to novel I am writing. So now it’s not the start of short story or novel, but will be the start of scene.

I am removing the cough and leaving it ‘…The lie seemed to close his throat, but he continued, “…’

Or something like that.

Adam

(Check them out: somewhere just over the 100 mark!)

I really liked your 13-liner … as for the cough-or-no-cough dilemma, I agree that it would be too much of a clear sign of lying, but coughing discreetly would work. As has been said, different people have different ideas when they read something, but…

The lie seemed to close his throat, making him cough.

To me, the sentence just seems unfinished, incomplete. Reading it in my mind, it sounds like more needs to be said. I really can’t think of any way to make this better — I think I’ll just have to accept it as a strange quirk of mine, and congratulate you on some good writing

By the way, you said this is the opening of a novel — I thought some people were quite fierce about only short story openings being critiqued on here? Maybe it’s changed? I remember when I was on here (nearly a year ago?) that quite a few peeps were told off for this!

I’m perhaps rambling a bit now, but since becoming an on-line book reviewer, my writing seems to have improved … you’ll have the dubious pleasure of reading some on here soon, I hope!

Bye Bye, people It’s nice to come back,

~Chris

I take your point about bring her to life.

Thanks for reading.

Len

As said this is scene from a novel — I had to tailor it be an intro — and it may well be the ‘intro’ of a chapter.

In the story they are actually stuck in caves — the enemy have caused a cave in, trapping them. He has the knife because the enemy never ‘met’ them to take it off him. When I wrote it as an intro for 13-lines, I had the soldier throw the knife in just before the wall-in was completed. A sort of mock gesture of kindness ‘you can always kill yourselves’ or something. I took it out as it used a lot of words, figuring people can often hide a small blade on their person.

Yeah I should have named the girl — they have been together for a while — her name is Hannah.

If he’s trying to be reassuring, why answer her “will it hurt?” with “I don’t know.” Doctors always tell kids it’s not going to hurt, even if they know full well it is. On second thought, that’s why kids never trust doctors.

I’d like to know the girl’s name. They’ve been in a cell together, it seems for a while. He would have asked by now, wouldn’t he?

I like it overall and want to read more.

I tried ‘catching in his throat’ but didn’t like what I got. Also tried it without the the cough. I went for the cough in the end (more of a quick clear of the throat). I think you are right though, we can argue over word choice for ever. I think it’s generally pretty O.K. So I am done with it!

Adam

But then, it’s not my piece. When all’s said and done, everyone reacts a little differently to each sentence / paragraph, and we’ve already established that this is a page-turner - one sentence won’t change that :).

“I have brought back others from the dead.� The lie seemed to close his throat, making him cough. “As long as the body still has some of its own warmth left, it can be done.�

A cough, right there, would be too audible a telegraph (even to a small child) that it might be a lie. It might cause unease in someone who ought to be trusting. How about “…the lie seemed to close his throat for a moment; he forced himself to go on.” That way the struggle is only inner.

Or maybe I’m just being too picky.