Critique #175 — Alex Fayle
Kevin Andrew Murphy September 11th, 2007
Perla never entered her house without checking for traps. Her limp, her cane and the puckered skin down the right side of her body constantly reminded her to do so. With a practiced flip,
she used her cane to unlatch and open the door. The smell of burnt sugar wafted out. She had laid no fire that morning. Nothing should be burning. Peering inside without crossing the threshold, she saw that the whole place glistened as if covered with dew. Something was definitely not right.
She pulled nine hairs out of her head. She crouched down to pick up a few twigs from the ground. She then used the long gray strands to bind the twigs into a stick figure. She muttered over her effigy and set it down on the doorstep. It walked inside on wobbly uneven legs. When it was fully inside on the first tile, it fell down and squirmed like a fly in honey.
Perla said a few more words and the figure stopped moving.
“I’m seventy-nine years old,” she muttered as she slowly stood back up. “Can’t people wait for the Fates to take me naturally?”
OK, I definitely want to know who’s out to kill this old lady, and why. So you’re off to a good start with that.
However, I also wonder why anyone make such elaborate and presumably dangerous and time-consuming traps…which can be so easily detected by anyone with a nose and a pair of working eyes.
So the credibility meter is wandering toward the red zone there.
Speaking to the actual writing, it’s a bit choppy and would flow more smoothly if you’d occasionally join some sentences together. Ideally, you want a variety of long, medium, and short sentences. And some verbiage can be safely trimmed. For instance, here–
Try something like–
With a practiced flip, she used her cane to unlatch and open the door. The smell of burnt sugar wafted out, though she’d laid no fire that morning.
Obviously, if she’d laid no fire, nothing should be burning. So it doesn’t need to be stated.
Peering inside, she saw that the whole place [vague; be more specific. The parlor? The foyer?] glistened as if covered with dew.
Don’t need “something was definitely not right,” as that is, once more, patently obvious.
You’ve got three sentences in a row starting with “she,” and while that’s not necessarily fatal, it can be avoided. I really try to avoid rewriting someone else’s prose (because I hate it when someone does that for me [g]), but just to show you some options and pretty much using your own words–
She pulled nine hairs out of her head, crouched down to collect a few twigs, then used the long gray strands to bind the twigs into a stick figure.
Or far more succinctly, though with some liberties taken with the writing–
With nine hairs from her head and a few twigs, she created a stick figure. After muttering a few words over it, she set it down on the doorstep. It toddled inside…
All in all, an intriguing situation and a potentially interesting character. I’d read on.
I always was arithmetically challenged. That’s four sentences in a row starting with “she.”
I like this a lot. It seems to me that both the traps and Perla’s response are magical, and therefore Beth’s concern about the time-consuming and elaborate nature of the traps doesn’t bother me.
I agree about the initial “She” in those three sentences; I’d also go out of my way to avoid constructions like “She then…” did something, which sound far too legalistic to me.
I would definitely read on, to find out who wants to kill the crafty old woman. I’ll bet she has a hell of a past.
I’m with Madeleine here, and I’ll add that I particularly like the the “drowned in caramel” trap and the way she defuses it, not by automatically knowing what it is, but by carefully testing with a dummy.
This is a definite page-turner.
I liked it, and I’d read on. I agree with Beth on one thing, though - ‘… which can be so easily detected by anyone with a nose and a pair of working eyes’. I wasn’t so worried about the place glistening as if with dew (who ever really looks at their surroungings when they first walk into their house… unless they have reason to, like your character), but burnt sugar is a pretty strong smell - something I would notice straight away, even it I wasn’t looking for it. I would’ve thought that someone who had the time and knowhow to lay such an intricate trap would be able to do something about that smell.
That said, it contributes to your ‘fly in honey’ image, so there’s good and bad.
Anyway, I’m rambling - yes I’m turning the page :).
I am generally in agreement. I liked it, and would read on, but was not enamored by the actual trap.
The way you play the magic, I would expect something more sophisticated. I would expect her to detect something subtler… If she could animate some twigs in only a few moments, surely she could do something better than relying on her nose and pushing a door open with her stick.
You mention traps, but otherwise there is no evidence they have been sprung in the prose. Surely if she laid traps, even if they were purely for the detection of intruders, you could hint at the sign they gave. e.g.
….the dead fish on the porch winked at her when she walked past.
Someones been here, she thought as she winked back at it, and recently by the looks of it…
Still, I liked it and would definitely turn the page.
Sorry I misread the first line (a few times!). I thought it said:
…she never entered her house without checking her traps…
So obviously discard the second part of my critique.
Although it does raise the question why she doesn’t keep he property protected by her own spells/devices. I would, especially if attacks had happened before.
Adam
Thanks all!
As soon as I sent in the piece, I looked at it again and thought “Ack! So many ‘Perla did’ and ‘She did’ sentences! Ack!” So, the suggestions on changing them are great.
As for the obviousness of the trap, in the next few lines Perla makes a comment about if someone was trying to kill her, they could at least do it well. So, I’m actually glad you all saw how poorly laid the trap was!
And Adam - your final comment made me think “yeah, you’re right.” Damn, I’m going to have to put in something that explains it - likely that the community she lives in is all about trust so to have protection spells would be a huge insult to them, like saying she doesn’t trust her community (which she doesn’t for good reasons, obviously).
Cheers,
Alex
Or have her check her spells and find them subtley altered. If the community she lives in would get insulted if she protected her own safety despite previous attempts that resulted in physical damage to her — well she should tell them where to get off! Your idea wouldn’t work with me if you are going to portray this lady as a canny old witch. Surely she would ignore any social mores if they weren’t in her interest.
Ah yes, good thought Adam. Thanks