Critique #20 Jason Michael
Katharine Kerr July 3rd, 2006
Looking out of the shuttle viewport, her skin flushed from a pale green to an azure blue, a subconscious expression of the pleasure she gained from the scene before her. The small moonless planet just hung in the void, a luminous golden orb floating on an endless pitch black shroud studded with diamonds. The planet was an uninhabitable rock, perfect for the experiment.
The charge was set, placed just under the surface. Between: dark, frigid desolation inhabited only by silence. The detonator button blinked softly red, subtly communicating; she pushed it.
Lyr held her breath in anticipation safely in the shuttle in a high orbit. The charge erupted an incandescent flash. The planet replied by almost lazily tearing itself in half. A heartbeat later the ship was hit by an invisible wall and sent reeling. Lyr’s head slammed the floor. Every nerve ending in her body felt like it was being wrenched out of her. Unable to breath momentarily, she silently screamed for help as darkness closed over her.
The charge was set, placed just under the surface. Between: dark, frigid desolation inhabited only by silence. The detonator button blinked softly red, subtly communicating; she pushed it.
Lyr held her breath in anticipation safely in the shuttle in a high orbit. The charge erupted an incandescent flash. The planet replied by almost lazily tearing itself in half. A heartbeat later the ship was hit by an invisible wall and sent reeling. Lyr’s head slammed the floor. Every nerve ending in her body felt like it was being wrenched out of her. Unable to breath momentarily, she silently screamed for help as darkness closed over her.
My interest did mount; a planet tearing in half is a big deal, but the single character in sight (Lyr? If so, name her in the first sentence) seems curiously dispassionate about what she’s doing.
It does not help to hook me that there is a howler in the very first sentence, unless her skin is really looking out of the shuttle viewport. The subsequent sentence (the first graf) makes it seem the story is about her skin. No sign of a thought, so I am already beginning to skim.
Second, if she’s really blowing up a planet, does she really think the shock wave isn’t gong to get to her in high orbit? (And that is a really weird sentence, too). If so, she deserves the shock smackdown.
In short, I might turn the page but i better find out fast WHY she did it; I’m sort of ambivalent.
My first reaction was “how dumb can someone get?” If she knows enough to be asked to test this explosive device, she should know that shock waves don’t just peter out in a few hundred miles.
There is a lot wrong with this sentence. As Sherwood points out, at first reading it seems that her skin is looking out of the viewport. The color-change of her skin is a good tip-off that we’re dealing with an alien race, but in a limited 3rd person, how can she be aware of a subconscious expression? I think you may mean that it changes automatically, without conscious control, as our species’ blushes do.
There are a number of adverbs here, such as in subtly communicating, that are unnecessary.
Ok well thanks everyone. I obiously didn’t notice that it could be seen as her skin looking out the window, thanks for picking that up.
As for the blowing up of the planet the explosion was not supposed to be anywhere near that powerful…a prototype leading to a mistake.
Maybe I should have made that clear by writing that someone had made a big error in judgement.
Thanks for your opinions and feedback though, I do appreciate it.
Jay
Jay,
I am definitely interested enough in this story to read more.
Are you going to post a re-write here? I’d like to see what you make of it.
Just so you know, as a reader, when Lyr presses the button I was kinda sorta expecting to read something about what she was feeling and what she was expecting to happen. That would have given me (as a reader) more of an emotional hook with Lyr (for example, if she is upset at marring such beauty etc - I’m only guessing at her reactions here), and if she is only expecting a little bang, the big explosion will come as more of a shock to me when I read about it. I’m not saying to include this - I am not in the business of telling other people how to write - I just thought that you might like to know that I was looking for it when I was reading the piece.
I really like the green skin and how it blushes blue, and the ending makes me want to read on to find out what happens to Lyr.
Well I have to say that I’m a little surprised that the feedback has been quite nice….I was expecting much worse because of my lack of experience in writing.
Rosemundra, yes I am going to re-write it and thank you for your insight, I’ll definately take all constructive criticism on board and see where things go from there.