Critique #26: Jim Bob
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 6th, 2006
Looking out of the shuttle viewport, Lyr’s skin flushed from a pale yellow to an azure blue, a subconscious expression of the pleasure she gained from the scene before her. The small moonless planet just hung in the void, a luminous golden orb floating on an endless pitch black shroud studded with diamonds. The planet was an uninhabitable rock, perfect for the experiment.
The charge was set, placed just under the surface. Between: dark, frigid desolation inhabited only by silence. The detonator button blinked softly red, subtly communicating; she pushed it.
Lyr held her breath in anticipation safely in the shuttle in a high orbit. The charge erupted an incandescent flash. The planet replied by almost lazily tearing itself in half. A heartbeat later the ship was hit by an invisible wall and sent reeling. Lyr’s head slammed the floor. Every nerve ending in her body felt like it was being wrenched out of her. Gasping for breath, she silently screamed for help as darkness closed over her.
Jay, Jim, whoever you are — please start using your real name or at least a consistent fake one. It took me a moment to realize that this is the revision of your earlier piece and not one of the problems I have with Deepgenre’s html code.
Lyr’s skin is still looking out of the viewport, although at least we now know the name of the being it belongs to. Of course, if she has eyes all over her skin, this is interesting, but it needs to be made more clear. If she doesn’t have eyes all over her skin, then you have a “misplaced modifier” here, and it’s a biggie.
This is passive voice, but more to the point, it’s a missed opportunity to tell us who placed it.
ok sorry…will do.
Whose point of view are we in here?
We open the first paragraph with a description of Lyr’s skin color shifting and a declaration that it is a “subconscious” shift. Is she looking at her skin or noticing something that happens without her thinking about it? We also see a declaration that the planet is perfect for the experiment. “Perfect” in whose opinion? If Lyr’s, then we have a POV shift right in the first paragraph.
Yes, rules are made to be broken, but only with specific intent. The reader need to know whose head we’re in, especially in an opening, especially in a short piece.
I also find difficulty with
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This sounds as if her breath is being held in the shuttle, rather than Lyr sitting in the shuttle. This can be easily, if not elegantly, reversed to make sense. “Sitting safely in the shuttle in high orbit, Lyr held her breath.” The “in anticipation” is unnecessary.