Congratulations on the sale!!! I reallly enjoyed the story.

Nice having met you in person down in San Diego and a belated congratulations on the publication.

Everyone: Wanted to give a Deep Genre congratulations to Sharon on her sale of this story to Clarke’s World, the whole story for your reading pleasure here:

http://www.clarkesworld.com/magazine/mock_02_07.html

As I said earlier, “More! More!” And here it is.

What strikes me most is the Voice. I am instantly drawn in and want to read more. If I have to nit then it is the last para. ‘They say’ starts the first two sentences and ‘The’ the second two. This is an extremely petty nit and all I can find.

Thanks for sharing. Now I am left to wonder what happened next.

The present tense is a frame; the direct address continues thoughout the story.

(And Damon Knight would occasionally come over to the poetry RTCs at the Writers’ RT on GEnie. I remember him fondly, even though by that time I was in grad school and couldn’t keep up with the traffic in the SFRT. I’m very glad this is here to continue his legacy.)

I love present tense, myself, and have used it in several novels now, (the two POLAR CITY books, and FREEZE FRAMES.) It can be tricky, but it adds a real urgency to a story when it’s done right, as it is here. The bit of direct address at the very beginning fits well with the tense, too.

Both the voice and the tense, in other words, fit the mood of the narrator perfectly. This is a worthy goal for any writer.

And you, you cannot lend me words to explain what I have done.

What a powerful hook. Yummy.

This opening is in present tense, which works very well, but I can’t tell if you plan to tell your whole story in present tense or if this is but a frame for a story that will be told in past. Present tense can easily come off sounding amateurish, especially in longer works, but you’ve no problem so far. Just be very careful.

Keep writing!

Like Sherwood, I’m hooked. I want the next page. Now.

That said, niggling things: I’d drop the “perpetually” since that’s implied, and perhaps change “look” to “glance.” A ditto on Sherwood’s two niggles, and I’d also drop the “a” before “legend” in what the father said, since you’re going for a more courtly/poetic voice here.

However, this is really wonderful. More. More, please.

Second, can you think of a word with more impact than ‘heartbroken’? That one is so easy, it’s been used and even overused so long, it doesn’t have the effect that it once had long ago.

But those are just pickies–again, I got hooked right in the first graf.