Critique #30: Sharon Mock
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 9th, 2006
The shadow of my father’s citadel stretches over me and still I tremble. Still I look perpetually over my shoulder as though you follow me, you who are banished from this land forever. In my fever I think that it is you who dries the leaves on the trees, blows away the petals of the rose. But no, it is only autumn, nothing more.
My father will be heartbroken. And you, you cannot lend me words to explain what I have done.
#
They say that when I was born, blossoms spread on the rose bushes outside my mother’s birthing chamber. They say that where I step, blood-red petals spring from the earth. The first, my father tells me, is a legend. The second has been known to happen on occasion, though only by my design.
Boy, I really like this opening. I find it quite compelling. I’d turn the page, but because we’re here looking at the little stuff as well as the big, I wonder if you can think of a slightly better verb than ’stretches’ for that shadow. Shadows result from absence of light, and thus to be most effective require one of the verbs that imply the ‘action’ of light.
Second, can you think of a word with more impact than ‘heartbroken’? That one is so easy, it’s been used and even overused so long, it doesn’t have the effect that it once had long ago.
But those are just pickies–again, I got hooked right in the first graf.
Sharon,
Like Sherwood, I’m hooked. I want the next page. Now.
That said, niggling things: I’d drop the “perpetually” since that’s implied, and perhaps change “look” to “glance.” A ditto on Sherwood’s two niggles, and I’d also drop the “a” before “legend” in what the father said, since you’re going for a more courtly/poetic voice here.
However, this is really wonderful. More. More, please.
What a powerful hook. Yummy.
This opening is in present tense, which works very well, but I can’t tell if you plan to tell your whole story in present tense or if this is but a frame for a story that will be told in past. Present tense can easily come off sounding amateurish, especially in longer works, but you’ve no problem so far. Just be very careful.
Keep writing!
I don’t even have any more niggles to add to the list. Good job!
I love present tense, myself, and have used it in several novels now, (the two POLAR CITY books, and FREEZE FRAMES.) It can be tricky, but it adds a real urgency to a story when it’s done right, as it is here. The bit of direct address at the very beginning fits well with the tense, too.
Both the voice and the tense, in other words, fit the mood of the narrator perfectly. This is a worthy goal for any writer.
Thank you all!
The present tense is a frame; the direct address continues thoughout the story.
(And Damon Knight would occasionally come over to the poetry RTCs at the Writers’ RT on GEnie. I remember him fondly, even though by that time I was in grad school and couldn’t keep up with the traffic in the SFRT. I’m very glad this is here to continue his legacy.)
This is a powerful opening. What I am getting is this girl, (for I cannot imagine rose petals spring from the footprints of a guy), has done something that is causing her father grief. Someone else has been banished tht she cares deeply for. I am also getting that this girl has some sort of magical ability because of the rose petals.
What strikes me most is the Voice. I am instantly drawn in and want to read more. If I have to nit then it is the last para. ‘They say’ starts the first two sentences and ‘The’ the second two. This is an extremely petty nit and all I can find.
Thanks for sharing. Now I am left to wonder what happened next.
Sharon,
Nice having met you in person down in San Diego and a belated congratulations on the publication.
Everyone: Wanted to give a Deep Genre congratulations to Sharon on her sale of this story to Clarke’s World, the whole story for your reading pleasure here:
http://www.clarkesworld.com/magazine/mock_02_07.html
As I said earlier, “More! More!” And here it is.
Sharon: That is a lovely, powerful story. And a brilliant sale. Congratulations!
Sharon,
Congratulations on the sale!!! I reallly enjoyed the story.