Critique #38 — Sue Curnow
Kevin Andrew Murphy July 18th, 2006
Within a rock grew a crystal. Adamantine and amethyst, it called to be made whole, to add softness to its hardness and complete its cycle of life. At the start of a fresh May morning on the hills above the cliff fortress of Tintagel, it began its call, and by noon the rays of the sun cracked the rock, purple rays bursting forth to gleam into the sky.
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A mouse sat upon the rock, nose twitching, whiskers shivering, until a beam touched its tail and it scurried away to find the safety of its hole. Birds flew high above the beams, but none would dare to alight upon the rock. They sensed its strangeness.
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In the afternoon came along a wolfhound. The great grey beast trotted ahead of his master, sniffing the ground as he went. Alain de Montlice rode a fine white stallion, and carried a hawk upon his wrist. He let fly the hawk as the hound let out a deep woof of warning. At once the hound’s master dismounted, letting his stallion’s reins trail as the horse began to crop grass. He walked to where his hound stood, wind blowing the dog’s harsh coat backwards, his tail held aloft in alertness. The beast whined, so Alain petted his head and fondled his ears.
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“What have you found, boy?†Alain asked, and watched as beams of purple light played with the sunshine. “What is it?â€
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Makoiyi  (Sue Curnow)
Sue,
The “deep woof of warning” is giggle-worthy, but easily remedied by making it a “low bark” and leaving it as that.
Otherwise, this is nicely written, except the business about the birds is extraneous. Anything small enough for a mouse to want to perch on is resting on the ground, and a random rock is not going to entice your average bird, even if it isn’t glowing with a purple light show.
Bobbing the birds would also cut to the chase quicker. In fact, I’d ditch the mouse too. It’s interesting enough that the dog finds the glowy purple rock for its master without us being shown that every animal in the neighborhood is freaked…except the horse and the hawk.
Is the horse on drugs or something, and is the hawk hooded, because otherwise it should have freaked at what upset the other birds.
Anyway, I’m intrigued enough to go on by the hook here, and the nice description, but the more I’m thinking about it, the less certain elements are adding up, or worse, are adding up to what I generally call “the orbital mind-control laser.” The horse is laconic because the author wants him to be, not because he should be. Ditto the hawk.
Unless you need the hawk for something, ditch him. Gentlemen can go out riding with the dog without taking the hawk with them as a fashion accessory. Likewise, gentlemen can also go out walking too. Do you really need the horse for anything? If not, ditch him as well.
Then you have: Guy has dog alert him to glowy magic rock. That’s enough to hook us without the rest.
What’s wrong with woof? :smiles: it was nearly ‘boof’ since wolfhounds boof rather than woof, but I do draw the line.
Thank you.
Ums, the hawk flew off anyway, but I will take note of getting rid of the birds and the mouse. The story is loosely based on a very old folk song - ‘Twa Corbies’ and is called - The hawk, the hound, and the lady fair- so the hawk and hound do come into it, but I take your point on the non-reactionary horse. Mind you, he is meant to be a horse used in the lists so is fairly bomb-proof. Since Alain let the hawk fly, in my own mind the beasty was far enough away not to start blowing steam, but that either needs to be made clearer or I have him react.
I do find this interesting because I wouldn’t have said a woof of warning was giggly at all. I guess I’ve had too many wolfhounds who don’t ‘bark’. I will definitely change it if it creates that kind of reaction, though. It made me smile that you giggled. Not quite the reaction I was going for.
The woof didn’t bother me because I’ve heard that single woof sound from big dogs, and it is a “woof” and a single one. In fact, my terrier/chihuahua also does it from time to time.
Otherwise I found the mouse etc making me skim, but mostly I was confused at where the beam was coming from–the sun or the rocks, and is it really a ‘beam’ like a klieg light pointing up at the sky? Because the last line then made it seem like the beams are wiggling around.
Anyway despite my confusion I found it intriguing and would turn the page.
Thanks Sherwood,
I imagined it more like a camera beam, so it would fan out a little, but I will make that clearer too, because I didn’t want it quite as focused as a klieg light. As for the woof; I guess I was presuming all folk know about dog behaviour and that a woof isn’t simply a woof and a tail wag doesn’t always mean a hound is happy. I don’t like it when people trip over something, so I’ll try and reword.
Thank you!
Then I have two questions: how does a camera beam? (I am not trying to be tiring, but I’m trying to grasp the image you are seeing in your head.) Second, how does sunlight play with a beam? These are your first two clues that magic is happening, and so it seems a good idea to get the image as sharp for the most readers as possible, thus strengthening that story hook.
I was thinking of a movie camera rather than a, photographic camera. If you looked back at older ones when you sat in a cinema, they did appear to fan and move, but I can’t use ‘camera’ in the context of a medieval story, so I think I’ll simply use ‘fan’ as in fan out and play with some adjectives to show it isn’t static. In which case the beams would be playing with the sunlight rather than the other way around.
And no, you aren’t being tiring at all. I’m well aware of the importance of even minor details which can throw someone for a loop. And that an author’s personal imagery doesn’t always convey what she means
Sue,
The trouble with “woof” is twofold: first, “woof of warning” has alliteration to draw attention to itselve and makes it look more cutesy than “woof” by itself; and second, it’s a matter of bathos, a change of register in the words. Despite the accuracy of the sound, I read “woof” as a bit twee. Yes, it’s a personal reaction, but I’m not the only one who’ll have it, so be aware of it. I also do have dogs and do understand dog behavior, but that still doesn’t mean I find “woof” non-twee.
As for the Twa Corbies business, I picked up on that and on “The Witch of the West Merelands” which uses the same imagery, but honestly, unless there’s a good reason, it struck me as fashionplating the character, not actual storytelling. Personal reaction, but I’m not the only one who will have it.
If the hawk and the horse are going to be there, they need to be doing more work for the scene.
Okay, as long as you’re comfortable with this kind of in depth consideration: I don’t have Kevin’s problem with ‘woof’ but other readers might, as he suggests, so maybe others will speak up.
But I do have a problem with ‘playing’ beams because I’m seeing romping, wiggling and jiggling lights in a Disney sense. What do you mean by ‘playing’–shimmering? Lacing shafts that change in hue and intensity? Rainbow flickers of light, glitters, gleams? Sunlight doesn’t play, it reflects, and beams also reflect, so what exactly is happening here?
Oh. lord, now you’ve got me going - a strobe light but much slower? Oh, and the more in depth the better as far as I am concerned.
Do you remember those victorian light thingies whose name completely escapes me - that would whirl around and create pictures?
What I truly imagined would be - if you look at how an amethyst grows with all its points into prismatic shapes. If a beam of light emitted from each, it would be quite a show, and if light touched it at a certain angle it was have an almost stellar effect. I’m not thinking of ‘normal’ behaviour here, but I do think this is getting way too complicated and maybe I should just drop the playing sunbeams, keep it static.
Darn, I’ll drop the ‘woof’, Kevin. I’ll stick to whines and growls.
Yeah, I think playing seriously shortchanges a very powerful effect (and a nifty evocation of sense of wonder, too) that you are intending.
OK, I like the story hook and the image you put in my mind, but I’m going to hit you with some very nitty wording details. You are trying to set a vivid scene and these are some things to consider. Make your language vivid too - especially verbs - and lose some of the bland details of moment-by-moment movement and time accounting.
Details:
Referent for it - the rock, the crystal? If you lost the inverted wording of the first sentence, the referent would be a bit clearer, and I don’t think you would lose impact. “A crystal grew within a rock…”
Called is a very bland word; is there some kind of inanimate passion involved here? is this a need that implies yearning or something more painful, implying crying out? Is there a reason to hide to what or to whom this crystal is calling, because to me calling implies a receiver, whereas crying out can imply “to whomever is out there to hear”. (See? I told you. Nits and nuances.)
May morning is almost a synonym for fresh. You could just leave May morning without the fresh and the sentence would not sound so redundant;
Are mornings on hills? Morning light lies on hills, but we tend to use in the hills to refer to the encompassing environment;
it began its call - is it important that the call began on this morning? Began is one of those “hedge words” that I find myself using when I am sketching a scene, sort of like half, almost, and such, and then I end up taking them out as I tighten the prose. Descriptive sentences are almost always stronger without hedge words.
Consider something like:
in the hills above Tintagel the crystal cried out
purple rays bursting forth to gleam into the sky - gleam into is awkard phrasing. Gleaming is more of a property of the article itself rather than a verb implying a motion or action; you wouldn’t say something sparkled into the sky.
Yeah, this lost me, too. Too DIsneyesque, unless you are really telling a sentient animal story.
The inverted wording doesn’t work for me in this case, but rather saps the action. If you want to convey an active hunting dog, use a richer verb and more straightforward wording. The wolfhound bounded across the hill in the afternoon light. or some such. If you are trying for a prophetic or loremaster’s tone, and really want the inverted wording, just lose the along and maybe find a better word than the bland came.
Lose the as he went. It adds nothing and saps the action.
I like the hawk.
Even though we think of as as implying simultaneity, it doesn’t quite. The second sentence sounds like releasing the hawk is a result of the dog’s bark or as if the two events are connected in some way other than time. If the time connection is coincidence, then word it so.
At once - Lose it. If you just say the man dismounted, the proximity to the prior event implies that it happened next. If there is some urgency to his dismounting, then use words that give us a reason for it. (A threat would be more likely to keep him in the saddle for a quick getaway, right?)
More bland words, describing simple movements. Show us his state of mind. “A sharp command brought the dog to his side” or “he knelt beside the dog and ruffled his ears” or some such.
Either one communicates something about his reaction to the dog’s bark and puts him at the dog’s side without the boring movement.
Could imply it is the wind’s tail held aloft. And held aloft in alertness is a bit wordy.
But all in all, I would turn the page, too.
Hope this give you some ideas.
Carol
Thank you so much, Carol. I go to pieces when I write short stories. I panic at not being able to write 100,000 words and all I get is stodge. Even to me some of this sounded flat. But I liked the premise and I wanted to pursue it. It’s like someone says to me, you can only use the bottom eighth of a canvas. So it’s a skill I’ve been trying to get better at, although I know my natural bent is novels.
Thanks for the suggestions. Off to see what I can do.
Sue
Sue,
I really liked it and do think the animals fit in their way. If the countryside isn’t inhabited by people then animals are obviously going to be there and they have different senses to us. So I can see how they fit. For me it worked quite well.
The one thing I did think was a little out of context with the rest of the opening was “In the afternoon came along a wolfhound.” I didn’t think this sentence seemed to sit as well woth the other ones. Also instead of the dog just “woofing” in warning…how about it’s hackles rising and a little of a snarl? In my mind that’d be a little more of a warning than a simple woof.
Sorry but that’s how I see it…apart from those little things, I’m really curious about what happens next.
Thanks Jay, your thoughts are much appreciated. As an update, I took all these lovely folks’ thoughts and ideas and rewrote. I have already sent it out. I will let folks know if it gets anywhere.