Thanks for the suggestions. Off to see what I can do.

Sue

Details:

Within a rock grew a crystal. Adamantine and amethyst, it called to be made whole,

Referent for it - the rock, the crystal? If you lost the inverted wording of the first sentence, the referent would be a bit clearer, and I don’t think you would lose impact. “A crystal grew within a rock…”

Called is a very bland word; is there some kind of inanimate passion involved here? is this a need that implies yearning or something more painful, implying crying out? Is there a reason to hide to what or to whom this crystal is calling, because to me calling implies a receiver, whereas crying out can imply “to whomever is out there to hear”. (See? I told you. Nits and nuances.)

At the start of a fresh May morning on the hills above the cliff fortress of Tintagel, it began its call

May morning is almost a synonym for fresh. You could just leave May morning without the fresh and the sentence would not sound so redundant;

Are mornings on hills? Morning light lies on hills, but we tend to use in the hills to refer to the encompassing environment;

it began its call - is it important that the call began on this morning? Began is one of those “hedge words” that I find myself using when I am sketching a scene, sort of like half, almost, and such, and then I end up taking them out as I tighten the prose. Descriptive sentences are almost always stronger without hedge words.

Consider something like:
in the hills above Tintagel the crystal cried out

purple rays bursting forth to gleam into the sky - gleam into is awkard phrasing. Gleaming is more of a property of the article itself rather than a verb implying a motion or action; you wouldn’t say something sparkled into the sky.

A mouse sat upon the rock, nose twitching, whiskers shivering, until a beam touched its tail and it scurried away to find the safety of its hole. Birds flew high above the beams, but none would dare to alight upon the rock. They sensed its strangeness.

Yeah, this lost me, too. Too DIsneyesque, unless you are really telling a sentient animal story.

In the afternoon came along a wolfhound.

The inverted wording doesn’t work for me in this case, but rather saps the action. If you want to convey an active hunting dog, use a richer verb and more straightforward wording. The wolfhound bounded across the hill in the afternoon light. or some such. If you are trying for a prophetic or loremaster’s tone, and really want the inverted wording, just lose the along and maybe find a better word than the bland came.

The great grey beast trotted ahead of his master, sniffing the ground as he went.

Lose the as he went. It adds nothing and saps the action.

Alain de Montlice rode a fine white stallion, and carried a hawk upon his wrist. He let fly the hawk as the hound let out a deep woof of warning. At once the hound’s master dismounted, letting his stallion’s reins trail as the horse began to crop grass.

I like the hawk.

Even though we think of as as implying simultaneity, it doesn’t quite. The second sentence sounds like releasing the hawk is a result of the dog’s bark or as if the two events are connected in some way other than time. If the time connection is coincidence, then word it so.

At once - Lose it. If you just say the man dismounted, the proximity to the prior event implies that it happened next. If there is some urgency to his dismounting, then use words that give us a reason for it. (A threat would be more likely to keep him in the saddle for a quick getaway, right?)

He walked to where his hound stood

More bland words, describing simple movements. Show us his state of mind. “A sharp command brought the dog to his side” or “he knelt beside the dog and ruffled his ears” or some such.
Either one communicates something about his reaction to the dog’s bark and puts him at the dog’s side without the boring movement.

wind blowing the dog’s harsh coat backwards, his tail held aloft in alertness.

Could imply it is the wind’s tail held aloft. And held aloft in alertness is a bit wordy.

But all in all, I would turn the page, too.

Hope this give you some ideas.

Carol

What I truly imagined would be - if you look at how an amethyst grows with all its points into prismatic shapes. If a beam of light emitted from each, it would be quite a show, and if light touched it at a certain angle it was have an almost stellar effect. I’m not thinking of ‘normal’ behaviour here, but I do think this is getting way too complicated and maybe I should just drop the playing sunbeams, keep it static.

Darn, I’ll drop the ‘woof’, Kevin. I’ll stick to whines and growls.

But I do have a problem with ‘playing’ beams because I’m seeing romping, wiggling and jiggling lights in a Disney sense. What do you mean by ‘playing’–shimmering? Lacing shafts that change in hue and intensity? Rainbow flickers of light, glitters, gleams? Sunlight doesn’t play, it reflects, and beams also reflect, so what exactly is happening here?

The trouble with “woof” is twofold: first, “woof of warning” has alliteration to draw attention to itselve and makes it look more cutesy than “woof” by itself; and second, it’s a matter of bathos, a change of register in the words. Despite the accuracy of the sound, I read “woof” as a bit twee. Yes, it’s a personal reaction, but I’m not the only one who’ll have it, so be aware of it. I also do have dogs and do understand dog behavior, but that still doesn’t mean I find “woof” non-twee.

As for the Twa Corbies business, I picked up on that and on “The Witch of the West Merelands” which uses the same imagery, but honestly, unless there’s a good reason, it struck me as fashionplating the character, not actual storytelling. Personal reaction, but I’m not the only one who will have it.

If the hawk and the horse are going to be there, they need to be doing more work for the scene.

And no, you aren’t being tiring at all. I’m well aware of the importance of even minor details which can throw someone for a loop. And that an author’s personal imagery doesn’t always convey what she means