Comments on: Critique #4: John League

By: RedMolly

RedMolly — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 19:06:45 +0000

This is great–funny–but the one thing that gives me pause is the roses. I can’t help but think that one could probably find something less prickly into which to vomit? Marguerites, perhaps, or creeping thyme?

Other than that, I think this is wonderfully amusing, and I like the poignant image of the legendary king reduced to a sick old man. I’d definitely read on!

By: John League

John League — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 13:06:25 +0000

Thanks to all. Funny, I didn’t even notice the vagueness in the last paragraph, but when I read the story I see an old king. When you read the story you don’t see an old king because I haven’t shown you that he’s old, just that he’s sick. Being subtle and evocative is nice but so is being accurate.

Thanks again.

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 03:26:22 +0000

I’d add only that you might shorten the opening list of Exalted Titles. Yes, it’s meant to provide irony, and it does, but it goes on a bit too long.

By: Sherwood Smith

Sherwood Smith — Sat, 24 Jun 2006 18:45:58 +0000

I really liked this a lot. Like the others I got thrown in the last graph, but a couple rereads made it clear that this poor bloke is sick–despite all the courtly hoopla about his youth and power and so forth. i would definitely turn the page on this one.

By: makoiyi

makoiyi — Sat, 24 Jun 2006 15:14:51 +0000

It was amusing, but the gritty reality of throwing up was a real turn off for me. I don’t think, if I’d picked this up in a store I would have carried on reading. But that’s a purely personal choice, not because of the writing, and, as seen, others found it funny.

The last para was confusing and I couldn’t work out if that was a deliberate deception or a mistake, so that threw me. Like Kevin, I read it several times and it still didn’t make sense and seemed a bit too coy perhaps?

At the same time, I found the patiently waiting narrator very intriguing. It was him I wondered about once I got past the retching.

By: jay

jay — Sat, 24 Jun 2006 09:32:04 +0000

What can I say….I thought it was pretty great actually
kinda reads a little like a couple of the legends like Pratchett or Adams…
Can’t wait to read a little more.
Not everyone will share my view but everyone is entitled to their opinions hey.

By: Kevin Andrew Murphy

Kevin Andrew Murphy — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 15:46:46 +0000

John,

This is terribly amusing. You’ve done a nice job of contrasting the courtly romance with the actual reality, though the last two sentences had me rereading them several times. I wasn’t certain at first whether the king was under a wicked enchantment or you were just using an overly shortened construction to say that he’d been young when he’d gotten the nifty titles and he was old now.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to reading the next section, though I’m not certain if you’d be able to keep the amusement factor this high throughout. But that’s what reading a story is for.