Critique #40 Erin Underwood — Revision
Katharine Kerr July 23rd, 2006
The tavern’s common room was stuffy, filled with the smell of burning peat
from the hearth and smoke from the sconces. Caked on layers of horsehair
plaster, which boasted a fairly fresh coat of mustard colored paint and a
thin film of soot, covered the walls. A dozen wooden tables with benches
were spread throughout the room, most of which were in use by travelers who
stopped in for the night.
“He should have been here by now. Where is he?†growled Rashim.
Kahill glanced at the door wondering when the stranger, Lem, would be
arriving. It had taken them three months to reach Dunmere’s lake lands from
their desert home, and Kahill’s father was growing impatient. There was no
use in trying to sooth Rashim’s frustrations. Instead, Kahill kept to
himself, letting his father grumble to their companions about the unexpected
delay.
The door to the common room swung open. A burst of cool damp air blew
inside, carrying with it the faint fragrance of rain and wildflowers. Kahill
turned his head toward the door as the largest man he had ever seen walked
inside. He was nearly bald with a closely shaven beard that made his mouth
look as if it were cast in grim shadow. Giving the room little more than a
cursory glance, the enormous amn shook the damp from his cloak, shut the
door and made his way to their table.
The story really begins for me with “The door to the common room swung open…’
Picky question: the use of ‘growled’ for all those words. Some will always consider growled a said-bookism, and those are out of fashion these days. I think that people do in fact
growl’ a word or a short phrase, but a sentence and a half would be rough on the throat and sound odd, or so it sounds to me when I hear it in my head. (And also, a man who can growl sentences would raise curiosity wouldn’t he?)
Hi Sherwood, Thanks for your response. You’ve managed to address a question that I was struggling with prior to positing this piece. The first two paragraphs were primarily for story setting orientation purposes and I wasn’t sure how much they really added to the piece… except to give a general feel for where the characters were any why they were there. I think that it would read much better if I started at the opening of the common room’s door. What do you think?
Also, thanks for pointing out the problems associated with the use of “growl.†I meant to have the term “growl†apply to the last few words “Where is he?†but that wasn’t really communicated effectively. I’ll keep a sharper eye out for that type of thing in the future.
Do you think the piece would read better if I started with the opening door? Or would I get myself stuck in a “Where are they?†“Why are they here†mess?
… revision starting with the opening door ….
The door to the tavern’s common room swung open. A burst of cool damp air blew inside, carrying with it the faint fragrance of rain and wildflowers. Kahill turned his head toward the door as the largest man he had ever seen walked inside. He was nearly bald with a closely shaven beard that made his mouth look as if it were cast in grim shadow. Giving the room little more than a cursory glance, the enormous man shook the damp from his cloak, shut the door and made his way to their table.
“You’re late,†said Rashim.
“Late is a matter of perspective. I’m here now and that’s what matters,†said the big man. Sharum and Hama, the two men sitting opposite of Rashim, moved aside. Lem took the offered space and made himself comfortable. “Now, there is still the matter of payment.â€
Rashim pulled a palm sized purse from the inside pocket of his robes and placed it on the table. The big man looked at the purse with displeasure. His expression darkened when he opened the bag.
I like that version a LOT better. Remember, if we don’t need to know about the decor of the room, then stay with the men. Since we’re not in any of their POVs, who is the narrator? Why is the narrator telling the story? Sometimes that helps shape the visuals, at least it does me.
but I, at least, like that second opening much better.
As usual, Sherwood’s right — start with the opening of the door. I’d turn the page on the revision of the revision.
A ditto to Kit’s comment. The revision of the revision starts the story up with a proper bang. The only nit is to hyphenate “palm-sized.”