Comments on: Critique #43 Leah Cypess

By: Leah

Leah — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 02:57:16 +0000

Thanks! I will do that.

For various reasons (which are revealed in the story), Leila is a very passive character. She doesn’t tend to seek out answers, or to imagine that anything could change. Although of course it’s about to….

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 20:57:19 +0000

Feel free to post your revision here.

Another question: Why hasn’t Leila asked the villagers about her?

By: Leah

Leah — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 18:05:16 +0000

Thank you! I had a sense that there was something wrong with this opening, but I couldnâ€™t figure out exactly what it was. Now that you’ve pointed it out, it was very easy to fix.

By: Kevin Andrew Murphy

Kevin Andrew Murphy — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 07:07:36 +0000

Leah,

I agree with Kit: This is a good hook, but awkward writing. Not the individual sentences themselves, but they way they’re order and the way they repeat. You’d do better to establish the woman first, your protagonist second, and something about the mystery of the woman third.

Still, it is a striking image and an intriguing beginning. Best on revisions.

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 06:19:52 +0000

Leah, I think you’re on to something here, but there seems to be some needless repetition. You start with the woman passing under the window, then pull back to Leila, and then re-introduce the woman. This is confusing.

She had watched the woman for as long as she could remember,
which seemed to her to have been a very long time.

At this point, the reader really loses track. Has she been at the window watching the woman “for as long as etc”? Or the years she’s lived in the village? Or when?