Critique #43 Leah Cypess
Katharine Kerr August 2nd, 2006
(1st Revision)
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       The woman passed right beneath Leila’s window, her hair black
in the moonlight, her footsteps soundless on the slick wet
cobblestones. She paused at the end of the house and looked over her
shoulder, dark hair falling like a curtain over her cheek.
       Leila drew back slightly to avoid meeting her gaze. She had
never before seen the woman this close. Usually the woman kept to the
outskirts of the village, or to the forest beyond. Leila had seen her
walking alone for as long as she could remember, which seemed to her
to have been a very long time. She didn’t know who the woman was, or
why she never did anything but walk, or why none of the villagers ever
talked about her.
After a long moment, the woman turned away and kept walking, the hem
of her gown sweeping the cobblestones without getting wet. Leila
closed the window and went downstairs for dinner.
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(original draft)Â
The woman passed right beneath Leila’s window, her hair black in
the moonlight, her footsteps soundless on the slick wet cobblestones.
Leila saw her when she leaned out her window to look at the snow.
Beyond the last village rooftop, patches of white splattered the dark
mountains, the last traces of a long winter. Leila took a deep breath
of rain-washed air and drew back. It was only then that she noticed
the shadow of movement below.
   She had never before seen the woman this close. Usually the woman
kept to the outskirts of the village, or to the forest beyond. The
woman paused at the end of the house and looked over her shoulder,
dark hair falling like a curtain over her cheek. Leila drew back
slightly, just far enough to avoid meeting her gaze.
   She had watched the woman for as long as she could remember,
which seemed to her to have been a very long time. She didn’t know who
the woman was, or why she never did anything but walk, or why none of
the villagers ever talked about her.
Leah, I think you’re on to something here, but there seems to be some needless repetition. You start with the woman passing under the window, then pull back to Leila, and then re-introduce the woman. This is confusing.
At this point, the reader really loses track. Has she been at the window watching the woman “for as long as etc”? Or the years she’s lived in the village? Or when?
Leah,
I agree with Kit: This is a good hook, but awkward writing. Not the individual sentences themselves, but they way they’re order and the way they repeat. You’d do better to establish the woman first, your protagonist second, and something about the mystery of the woman third.
Still, it is a striking image and an intriguing beginning. Best on revisions.
Thank you! I had a sense that there was something wrong with this opening, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was. Now that you’ve pointed it out, it was very easy to fix.
Feel free to post your revision here.
Another question: Why hasn’t Leila asked the villagers about her?
Thanks! I will do that.
For various reasons (which are revealed in the story), Leila is a very passive character. She doesn’t tend to seek out answers, or to imagine that anything could change. Although of course it’s about to….