Critique #46 Leah Cypess’s revision
Katharine Kerr August 4th, 2006
(This is my revision of the first 13 lines of “Death Walking.)
    The woman passed right beneath Leila’s window, her hair black
in the moonlight, her footsteps soundless on the slick wet
cobblestones. She paused at the end of the house and looked over her
shoulder, dark hair falling like a curtain over her cheek.
    Leila drew back slightly to avoid meeting her gaze. She had
never before seen the woman this close. Usually the woman kept to the
outskirts of the village, or to the forest beyond. Leila had seen her
walking alone for as long as she could remember, which seemed to her
to have been a very long time. She didn’t know who the woman was, or
why she never did anything but walk, or why none of the villagers ever
talked about her.
  After a long moment, the woman turned away and kept walking, the hem
of her gown sweeping the cobblestones without getting wet. Leila
closed the window and went downstairs for dinner.
Oops — I don’t know why the line breaks are so uneven. This is something that I would guess Wordpress did, not Leah’s software.
Leah, your title gives everything away — or so it seems from the first 13 lines. Even if the woman isn’t Death, and the title’s meant to be ironic, I don’t think it works, as readers will assume it gives too much away anyway.
Kit beat me to it. Other than the title, much smoother and more evocative!
Thank you! Again, much appreciated.