Critique #47 — Jason Michael
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 4th, 2006
Lyr stood, looking out of the shuttle’s viewport in a high orbit around Bannur. The small moonless planet seemed to hang above her in the void, a luminous golden orb floating on an endless pitch black shroud studded randomly with diamonds. The planet was essentially an uninhabitable rock, perfect for the prototype warhead she’d been sent to experiment.
The amber glow originating from the button to detonate the warhead was the only distraction from the serenity of the scene before her. Silently pulsing, trying to communicate its own macabre desire to be pushed. Looking down at the button, Lyr noticed her skin had flushed to an azure blue from its usually pale yellow hue, showing her pleasure at the scene before her eyes.
“Yes it is a magnificent sight,” Lyr thought somberly to herself, “it’s also a shame that there’s going to be a very big hole there quite soon.”Â
Lyr thought of the hours of exertion she’d spent placing sensors, in concentric circular patterns around the initial charge. “The Weapons Tech Sect Director has high hopes for these,” Lyr thought to herself “I just hope they have the calculations right about the detonation radius. The charge is ridiculously small; I hope this doesn’t end up being a waste of time.”
The sound of her own breathing brought Lyr back to the moment. Her hand hovered over the detonator. She held her breath and gently lowered her hand.
The prototype warhead erupted in an incandescent flash.
I would like to know why the explosion went wrong.
Was there something unknown about the planet? Was it treachery? But I’m not sure this scene can be set up to its best potential in 13 lines. Orson Scott Card wrote something along the lines of ‘the more unbelievable something is, the more time you need to spend justifying it.’
If you start the story further back in time, we could have a better understanding of this scene. If, for example, you showed some of the work that went into preparing the warhead, or the worries Lyr had about it, or disagreements she might have had with, say, the Weapons Tech Sect Director, then we would feel more tension when she was about to hit the detonator. Alternatively, the story could even start right after the explosion, when she is waking up in the hospital or drifting in space. There could be some sort of pressure for her to discover what went wrong, or to survive. Also, I’m not buying that she would refer to herself with the term “somberly.” I’ll be interested to see the revision.
Vivian,
Thanks for your feedback. My idea of elaborating on the “why” of the scene is going to happen shortly after, and the “why” of the explosion going wrong is to be for reasons of treachery, which also become aparrant a little later, actually in a few paragraphs. but your suggestion gave me an idea of how to implement this in the beginning.
I did actually think of starting this story quite a lot earlier on but there are quite a few slightly bizarre things I plan on happening later on in the story, so I thought that probably the less said to give a potential reader opinions of the main character before at least one of those events take place probably the better…But I’m still thinking about how to go about it all.
Thanks again for the feedback…I must be heading in the right direction this time…..The feedback is much better this time round…lol
Jason, I like this a whole lot better.
Three small things: can you get ‘stood, looking out of’ into maybe one single verb? A few words as possible when there is no action. *g*
Second, if she’s looking at the button, how is she noticing her skin? Can you just say she glanced down’ or something more brief? (The fewer ‘stood, turned, looked’ we use, the better, since so many of those are implied.)
Third, her last talk to herself sounds like robot talk. You’ve hinted she’s not human…but that dialogue still rings false. Why not just report it in indirect dialogue so it won’t stand out?
Again, small stuff–I think it smoother and more evocative overall.
Jason you could also try putting the dialog in italics since this is thought and not spoken word.
I took a few liberties, which sounds a little more like internal thought to me. But it’s just a suggestion.
Jay,
Why you don’t want us to know Lyr well before certain events take place?
Vivian,
Because certain things happen to change the character quite profoundly, and establishing her as one individual, then changing Lyr’s attitude and perception of her life etc will kind of be a waste of time. The change is not going to be gradual, so it won’t be a case of the character growing over time and with experience.
Considering that this event ‘the testing of the bomb’ is the event that changes her directly in more ways than one, creating the story for the book, I didn’t think I’d put it in earlier. I was wanting to explain the events in a few more scenes, to set the stage for everything that follows. I hope that makes sense! It makes sense to me, but it’s still early days yet.
Sherwood,
as for noticing the change in hue of skin, I just realise I didn’t word that sentence correctly. I should have written that her hand was hovering above the button…Everything is easier in hindsight hey!
But thanks for your opinion.
Jay
Jay,
If this event is the reason for Lyr’s motives, and something she feels strongly about, then I would consider writing this scene so that we readers feel strongly about it too. That way we will feel strongly about what Lyr does, and feel strongly about events that connect back to this one. We don’t need to know a lot of things about Lyr to start caring about her; it can happen in a short period of time. Take a look at the beginnings of a few of your favorite books, what makes you like the POV character?