Critique #48: Elizabeth Anne Hull
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 5th, 2006
What is death? I thought I knew and yet, now the shadow waits in dark corners, I am not sure. Good people go to heaven. Have I been good? Why has this cup of bitterness come to me, if so?
No, I’ll not brood on what has happened, or what will happen. If this is all the brief moments remaining to me then I will cram a lifetime of living into them.
Rain again today; great black clouds boil above, seething with moisture. I can see puddles filling outside. They have an evil skin forming; lanced by hard shafts of water that create bubbles to swell and burst like burning blisters. Do cancer cells swell this way in once healthy tissue? Do they burst in my brain to burn away sanity? I shall paint this scene for you, my clever, failing doctor - while I have sight left to record these details. Yes, I know I shall go blind.
Why can’t I seem to put things away properly anymore? I couldn’t find my palette knife at first and I was so frightened the rain would stop before I was ready, but it hasn’t. The smell of linseed oil and turpentine seems to fade when I paint lately — is this significant? I can smell rain on wet ground instead, that earthy green aroma that has no place in a studio.
I like this, but I think it could be a lot stronger without the first paragraph. You really do not need it, and I think it’s more effective if we aren’t given the information that the character is dying, but instead discover through the description inherent within the second paragraph.
Also, to go along with this idea, I would take out the sentence “Yes, I know I shall go blind.” The other sentences, “while I have sight” and “why can’t I seem to put things away, ” let us know that there is something wrong here, and pique our interest so that we continue reading to find out what that is. It is also redundent, since the prior sentence concerning sight does say the same thing.
I was confused by the “failing” doctor. I thought at first that it meant he was ill, then decided it had to be because he was failing the main character.
Hope this is helpful in some way.
Thanks so much for the insight. I have already cut out a couple of paras from the opening but I can see cutting out one more will put the piece in a more immediate light.
This is an experimental piece and I have it in diary form as the dates sort of give the reader a hint of the odd things to come. It culminates on Halloween and all the dates lead up to this point.
The other suggested cut is also a great idea. I didn’t see before how I had repeated the concept. In retrospect, it wouldn’t do me any harm to go through the rest of this piece in case I have got any more of the repetitious gibber going on here.
Thanks so much for all the help. It is very much appreciated.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth,
While a doomed narrator is a direct sympathy ploy, the doomed narrator’s purple prose and lashing out at his/her doctor detracts from this, and as a reader, I’m only going to spend sympathy on bitter dying people who are real, as opposed to imaginary ones.
That said, the final bit:
The smell of linseed oil and turpentine seems to fade when I paint lately — is this significant? I can smell rain on wet ground instead, that earthy green aroma that has no place in a studio.
This interests me far more than the dyingness of the narrator. If you started with this and then put in the details about the cancer and the confusion of thought–and the narrator having reason to doubt his/her senses–it would be a lot stronger, and gain a lot more character sympathy. A character frantic to hold onto sanity as they die is a lot more sympathetic than a dying person bitching out their doctor.
Thanks Kevin
That is an excellent point I hadn’t thought of and yes, I see exactly what you mean about the sympathy angle. When I edit this I will work the dyingness behind the desperate cling to sanity.
I want to generate sympathy because this character ends up not dying and I therefore want the reader to have a great sense of relief at that point.
Many thanks.
Elizabeth.
“What is death?” is a good opening. Maybe keep that in a par of its own. Watch the tense changes.
“I can see puddles filling outside. They have an evil skin forming; lanced by hard shafts of water that create bubbles to swell and burst like burning blisters. ” I would consider condensing/tightening this. I agree on what those above said about wordiness.
Let your POV work for you. With POV, you don’t need “I can see”, that is obvious and redundant to the reader.
Be active, vivid, descriptive. I would write something like “Puddles filled the street, like an evil skin forming ….” good description, just use more active/descriptive verbs.
Good work. I like this.
I see your point about the active verbs as opposed to my purple prose. The same thing is said in a much tidier and coherant manner and the reader doesn’t have to fight to understand what is being said. Maybe this will also eliminate all the tense slithers.
I might leave the death thingy in a much reduced form. This depends on what the rest looks like when I have been through it with a buzz saw.
Thanks so much, Alley.