Critique #51 — Linda Steele
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 10th, 2006
“He comes.” The words left Puma’s throat as a deep, throaty rumble.
Hugging her knees, Elena leaned to look out over the fields. A ragged black shadow crossed the sheep pasture. It looked large enough to be a man, but men didn’t come from the jungle at night.
Guitar music and laughter rose from the patio at her back, enclosed by the thick adobe wall upon which she sat. On one side was firelight and family, her brothers and father, on the other, moonlight and mountains. Behind the stone walls of barely-seen pens, the sheep milled nervously. No one else yet knew there was a man abroad at night. Puma uncurled at her side, his long tail lashing. His round animal eyes, silvered by the moon, shone with excitement.
His wide tongue flicked across gleaming pale teeth, each as long as one of her fingers. “Perhaps I shall eat him this time,” he said.
Linda,
Nix the “throaty” in the first line. What other sort of rumble would you expect to come from a “throat”? Besides which, it looks clumsy to repeat the same word or variant so close together unless needed.
Since you have “Puma” in the first line, when the shadow came out of the jungle, I was thinking of another four-legged animal, likely a black panther. Rather than “ragged” perhaps you might tell us that this shadow is “upright,” which is more telling of it being a man?
In the last line, Puma’s teeth can hardly “each” be as long as a woman’s finger. Maybe the canines (though that’s still one impressive set of chops for a puma), but the incisors? The molars? Yes, it sounds funny to talk of a cat having canine teeth, but it’s a limitation of the language. Find some way to reconstruct it without giving an image you don’t want.
 Aside from those (fairly large) descriptive nits (which really got in the way of the story for me), the rest of this is intriguing and I’d read further.
Linda, this is an interesting start, but there are indeed some clumsy bits of writing in it that spoil the effect.
Besides the points Kevin’s made, I’d mention the “barely seen” sheep pens and the “men didn’t come from the jungle at night”. Are there men in the jungle who come during the day? Why wouldn’t they come at night if so?
..to which I would add, when a shadow “crossed” a field, I thought of a bird in the air. The reference to a man confused me–how could they see a shadow and not the man casting the shadow, and since it was night, how could they see a shadow at all? Did you mean a silhouette of a man?
Also “animal eyes” in an animal seemed a tad redundant, popping me out of the story long enough to wonder what other eyes Puma might have had–insect?
That said, I found it an intriguing opening, I liked the idea of the protag sitting on that wall, safety, light, family on one side, the mysteries of night on the other, and I have a real penchant for talking animals.
It’s an intriguing opening — nice contrasting set-up (as mentioned) — although I missed it completely until I read Sherwood’s comments (and re-read the paragraph). “Moonlight and mountains” didn’t evoke a lot of mystery for me.
At the risk being picky (and hey, I begin my stories with “once upon a time, so that’s my expertise for ya!), “The words left Puma’s throat in a deep, throaty rumble” didn’t do it for me. It seems a roundabout way of saying that Puma spoke with a deep, throaty rumble (”throaty,” an adjective that describes a sound made low in the throat, I wasn’t so concerned with the rumble being throaty).
Other than his voice, is there anything else we should know about Puma early on? Did he manifest any kind of reaction to the man coming across the field that you could use here in place of, or in addition to, describing his voice? Did he pace or shift uneasily or put himself into a cat’s crouch? Is he also on the wall (later we find out, yes)?
Is he voice so significant that it warrants the first line? It doesn’t necessarily have to be all that important, of course, but it seems like something to think about.
The way it reads (to me), he made a casual observation (I imagine cats growl rather than speak do I didn’t get menace from the voice description). And Elena just hugs her knees (seems a natural enough pose for a garden wall). And later Puma “uncurls” his tail, which I didn’t read as aggressive.
So, I didn’t get any sense of menace or doom. At the end, to me, his suggestion of man-as-meal was teasing. (And just a thought — could he say this line with a deep, throaty rumble instead of the first one?)
Is this what you intended? (As a writer, I find it very helpful to get readers to tell me what picture I painted — and then I know if I’m on track.)
Other tiny, tiny things:
I think the phrase “her back, enclosed…” read (to me) as being not quite right. Structurally, it reads (to me) like her back is enclosed and I think it’s the patio that was enclosed.
The “thick” wall evoked (for me) the image of a rough, inexpertly constructed wall. Now that I read that Elena’s sitting on it, I think “wide” would have given me the image. Probably not a big deal.
Finally, “round animal eyes” — I’m not sure what you intend with “animal.” On the first read through, I thought, “yes, because he is one,” then I thought baby seals (just kidding!), and then I thought that you might want to convey something more primitive, bestial, etc.
All in all, it’s a nice frame for an upcoming story — three characters introduced with broad-brush relationships established in a few paragraphs. A mlieu, a tone set. A lot accomplished. Well done!
Ack! Well, this is embarrassing. The throaty rumble in the throat thing I will lay on having unwisely edited the line in e-mail, never a smart thing to do.
Every other point made is excellent. I’m looking forward to bringing this story up to the level this introduction achieves through your suggestions. Thanks!
I like these lines, but I’m not sure yet who the POV character is. I like to start the first sentence with the POV char (or when I start with a char, it is the POV char). I liked the line “Perhaps I shall eat him this time” the best. Good stuff there! That would make an excellent first line, if indeed, he is the main char of the scene or one of the main chars. Good work.