Comments on: Critique #55 — Chris Howard

By: Jason Herbert

Jason Herbert — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 15:26:59 +0000

A further note on the “perpendicular to the asphalt” line: Refererce to the asphalt makes me think of the surface of the road, rather than the line the road follows. So, I took this to mean that the truck had somehow parked vertically (parked perpendicular to the surface). I had convinced myself that this was some sort of flying vehicle that could perform such a maneuver, until I read the link about the tarp covering the load.

By: Chris Howard

Chris Howard — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 22:27:05 +0000

I have no excuse for that one, melospiza. Parallel is the obvious one. I can’t believe I didn’t see that. Thanks!

By: melospiza

melospiza — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 20:57:48 +0000

No one has mentioned it, but I’m bothered by the word “perpendicular”, which made me see the truck at right angles to the asphalt, crosswise to the road. Do you mean “parallel”?

Good tension though; I know something BAD is about to happen.

By: retterson

retterson — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 00:13:41 +0000

“And” is word that expresses “the general relation of connection or addition, especially accompaniment, participation, combination, contiguity, continuance, simultaneity, [or] sequence.” (”and.” Webster’s Third New International Dictionary, Unabridged. Merriam-Webster, 2002. http://unabridged.merriam-webster.com (16 Aug. 2006)

It takes on its meaning in context, and in this context, I think it’s clear that there’s a sequence, not simultaneity.

To be sure, “then” may sound better. But that doesn’t make “and” wrong.

IMHO

By: Chris Howard

Chris Howard — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 23:59:00 +0000

Thanks!

Alley, I read my first few lines after your comments, and you’re right, it’s awkward because it is a sequence of actions. The “gave” and “came” are understated. I’ll work on these. I need to focus on the points of suspense. Anytime someone puts armor on, you just know something’s going to happen.

Sherwood, “it” refers to the trucker pulling over without a protest when he’s hauling contraband that will guarantee something bad happens to him. Even that sounds much better than “It was just too easy.” I know there was more to the first line when I originally wrote it.

Kevin, I swear I have read and reworked the first two lines thirty times, and really thought they were tight and had a lot going for them. I think all the substance seems to have leaked out of the first line with a few editing passes.

Thank you for taking the time to look at my work.

By: Kevin Andrew Murphy

Kevin Andrew Murphy — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 21:34:28 +0000

Sherwood’s put her finger on what’s troubling me here. It’s not that there isn’t intriguing stuff or foreshadowing about things going horribly wrong, but I’m not really certain what’s going on at first. With her recommendations, it will be a lot more intriguing as opposed to just confusing.

By: Sherwood Smith

Sherwood Smith — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 19:44:04 +0000

I find this opening very intriguing. All except the first line–because I don’t know what “it” refers to–and by the end I still don’t know. The pull-over? The truck driver’s driving? The data-scan?

i think if you begin just a graf forward–we see what it is the narrator saw which made him want to pull the truck over–we’d be better oriented. (And incidentally have a better clue to what “it” is so we can better appreciate the irony when something goes sour, which the lines certainly implies.)

By: Alley

Alley — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 18:35:08 +0000

The most interesting part of this was when he pulled on his armor, otherwise, I’m not sure why I would read it. I was confused by the use of “and” in places where simultaneous action didn’t actually occur. “flipped, gave and pulled” s/b something like “flipped, gave, then pulled”. And look at “pulled, checked and moved”. I’d suggest better words than “gave” and “came”, something more descriptive, and/or active. Otherwise, it’s written well but I’ve nothing that interests me in the first 13 lines